Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:
Juells · 19/02/2019 09:48

Could he not bring his son along to the audition? Just not go to football on this occasion?

Why is everyone saying 'ask your dad'? Where did the OP say anything about her own father?

HoptoitDufflepuds · 19/02/2019 09:48

Assuming dh was originally taking dd to the audition, he is being a dick to not ask his ex if she can do the football match on this occasion. Unless it's always been clear cut that he does every football match regardless of what day it falls on, he is showing his daughter that she comes second to her half brother. That what men want must come first and women fall in with their plans. Is that really a lesson you want your dd learning from her dad, and at such a young age?

Ask your dad to take dd so she doesn't miss out and have a serious conversation with your dh about where the women in his life feature.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 09:49

And he’s potentially damaging his reationship with his other child if he just drops him like a hot brick when something more important comes along.

It’s not that it’s “more important”. He has two children so he should want to show an interest in both of their activities.
If this wasn’t a blended family there would be no hysterical comments about children being more important or less important. Hmm

OP I would do one what you’ve suggested. Ask if your dad could help or ask if dss’s mum could take him. But asking the child’s other parent if they could take them to their hobby is of course a sin on mumsnet. In real life it’s completely normal Smile

Cla9 · 19/02/2019 09:51

But he sees his DS 50% of the time and his DD 100% of the time - that’s the point here. You’re sounding more and more like you’re point scoring rather than looking for the best solution.

Exactly this.

Wheresthebeach · 19/02/2019 09:51

As the football is what's changed then yes, I think he should stick to his original commitment. It the DD being dropped, not DS.

The lack of interest in DD is also an issue. He shouldn't let one child down, in preference for another. Esp if relationships are good.

Sounds like he's doing what he'd prefer with no thought of the impact on you, or DD.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 09:52

'Awful message to give his daughter that she doesn't matter as much as his son.'

Equally awful for the DS to be shown he doesn't matter as much as DD.

Why the fuck is it always such a fucking competition in blended families?!🙈 Jesus.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:54

So you think it’s ok for him to dro the plans to take DD purely because the football fixture has changed last minute?

OP posts:
Juells · 19/02/2019 09:56

Why the fuck is it always such a fucking competition in blended families?!

Because it is. The non-resident children usually see the new improved family taking precedence. Children know when they've shifted downwards in importance. :(

Whycantistaymotivated · 19/02/2019 09:56

I'm in the same postion OP. I'm dreading thus happening as I KNOW OH Ex will not take DSSs to football. We also don't know the fixtures until 2 days before the games. We have DD together who is 2 so only just starting with swimming and dance classes on a Saturday, she can't start the football sessions until she's 4, would be ideal if she wanted to do that but wanted her to try something in the meantime. I think this is something that will happen to us in years to come

I would certainly tell your DH to ask if his Ex can take DSS as your SPA day has been planned for a while and he can't expect you to have nothing planned every Saturday "just in case". He has a DD as well so needs to step up

Cranky17 · 19/02/2019 09:57

*And he’s potentially damaging his reationship with his other child if he just drops him like a hot brick when something more important comes along.

It’s not that it’s “more important”. He has two children so he should want to show an interest in both of their activities.
If this wasn’t a blended family there would be no hysterical comments about children being more important or less important. hmm*
Hmm right to back you! I said that before the update about the audition bring the Pre arranged activity.

IceRebel · 19/02/2019 09:58

Equally awful for the DS to be shown he doesn't matter as much as DD.

How is the DS getting the message that he doesn't matter? His dad takes him to football every week on a Saturday. However, the match has been moved to a Sunday, which unfortunately clashes with something he had already agreed to. If his dad had been at work he also wouldn't have been able to take him.

cheercaptain · 19/02/2019 09:58

Football probably is coming first because that was part of his original schedule. In your shoes, I will just ask my Dad and let everyone do what they already planned to do. Go enjoy your Spa Day and try not to dwell on this too much...any longer.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:58

No point scoring whatsoever I would just expect the plans made for him to take DD not dropped because of a changed fixture. I love my step children dearly and there is not point scoring or resentment towards them whatsoever, my issue here lies with DH and what he thinks is acceptable parenting.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 19/02/2019 10:00

I guess the football is more of social event for your DH, so he'd prefer to go to that.
With the additional background info you've given, I'd say that if DH had originally agreed to take DD, then he needs to make arrangements for someone else to do so, or take her and make other arrangements for his son. Is there a reason why the 11 year old can't get himself to football or go with a friend?
I think this is for DH to sort out, not you.

Pinkbells · 19/02/2019 10:03

Could your Dad take your stepson to the football match, also a chance for them to get to know each other?

HotpotLawyer · 19/02/2019 10:03

So if you are off on a Spa day, who would normally have both children on a Saturday?

Would he need to take Ds to the audition thereby missing his football?

Is there another parent involved in the dancing who could do the audition run? Or football?

Either way, you have one parent and two kids with conflicting needs, so extra help is needed.

viques · 19/02/2019 10:04

I think if the spa day and audition were planned first then the football fixture changing and clashing is unfortunate. If you have already made a comittment then you honour it.

It's a bit like the "Am I wrong to cancel friend /child's party because a better offer has come up" quandary which comes up on MN regularly and usually ends up with the original agreement being the preferred choice.

It's different if it is something un-moveable like a hospital appointment or a funeral, but a football match will happen again.

He is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:05

You have completely misread this entire situation! I love my step children I’ve been in their lives since they were very young! We are a very happy blended family. My issue here is my DH.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:07

Juells
Just because a family is happy and one child lives there full time, doesn’t mean the resident child should take a backseat at the weekend when everyone is off work/school. All of the children are equally as important and I say shame on any father who over compensates and doesn’t make any effort to be part of one child’s interests and hobbies.
But this dad just can’t be bothered because he prefers football. That needs to be addressed.

Juells · 19/02/2019 10:09

But this dad just can’t be bothered because he prefers football.

We don't know that. But...I think it is for the father in this case to work something out, as there were existing arrangements that now have to be changed.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:09

My DH does not have a few commitments to his other 2 children, he is very much present in their lives daily and does way above and beyond any other father I have ever known who does not live with his children, please do not make presumptions that he is a part time dad who only has part time access as this is not the case here and you are totally missing the point of my OP

OP posts:
Lalliella · 19/02/2019 10:11

Are some of these replies for real? Your OH is no longer a full time dad to DS but has a long standing arrangement to take him to football. What sort of a father would he be to break that arrangement in favour of DD? DS is probably already sad that his dad isn’t part of his direct family anymore, OH probably doesn’t want to compound that by letting him down in favour of his new family. OH is not U, YABU. Get your dad to take her.

T2705 · 19/02/2019 10:11

YANBU whatsoever, this is totally down to your DH's attitude. If you are anything like me and my friends, spa days happen very few and far between and actually managing to get one booked on a date we can all make is so rare, i would guess it took some organising and has been arranged for ages so why should you even have to consider changing it? I can absolutely understand your frustration. Its a no brainer for me - You made plans far in advance, you made arrangements with DH to cover the audition. Days before, the football fixture changes, DH has plans so DSS either has to miss it this one week - no biggie (it happens frequently within a team, particular with a change of day with a fixture - people do have lives and plan other stuff at weekends apart from football) or someone else takes him to football.

I don't even know why people are making this about being a blended family. If both children were yours and DH's and there was no one else available to help out then you would go with whichever was the prior commitment.

That said, I would also be so pissed off with DH I would probably tell him if it was such a big deal then not to bother and arrange for someone else to take DD.

Meet0nTheledge · 19/02/2019 10:12

Why is everyone saying 'ask your dad'? Where did the OP say anything about her own father?

In her opening post.

I don't think DH should be dropping the audition because the football has changed, but the pair of you should be exploring all the options to make sure both children get to their events, by asking DH's ex, your dad or trying to arrange a lift to the football with other team members, which, IME of team sports happens all the time. If no one else can help then I do think the audition takes priority as it was arranged before the football match.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:15

I think you need to re-read OP, only a change of fixture for DSS’s football has created the issue

OP posts: