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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 19/02/2019 14:58

Num you;re so busy getting aerated with posters that you seem very unwilling to see that your problem is not just this one incident, but your OH in general.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 14:59

As football is a weekly occurrence I don’t think it is much to ask him to accompany his DD to the audition as prior arranged as there was originally no football fixture on that day! I have unfortunately....god forbid I have a life and get 4 hours in a spa.... arranged the spa for a friends birthday months before the audition can about. I already feel awful that I’m not going to be there without all the ‘perfect’ parents on here telling me I shouldn’t miss it! Which is why I thought the best substitution for mum would be that her DAD take her to her first ever audition!

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 19/02/2019 15:01

Ok - a timeline of events for those not bothered to read the OP

  1. Mum (OP) books a Spa Day on the Sunday for her friends birthday, a one off special occasion all paid for
  1. Dad (OP's DH) has a regular Saturday commitment to take his son to football training/match
  1. The daughter has a dance audition on the Sunday that clashes with Mum's already booked Spa Day - but that's OK becasue her Dad is available to take her instead.
  1. Last minute the day of the football is changed to the Sunday meaning it now clashes with daughter's dance. It's not really possible for OP to re-schedule her friend's birthday treat so Dad needs to inform ex wife and mother of his son that football has changed and can she possibly take him as he has a prior important commitment to his daughter on the Sunday.
  1. Dad decides football is more important/preferable etc to dance and doesn't even ask ex-wife to help with her own son.
Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 15:01

Just annoyed with people who are so hell bent an making out I’m a terrible mother and stepmother! I know it’s a problem with my OH as stated in OP is other people who seem to be turning this into something it’s not!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 15:02

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 15:04

He would take her to football with him!

OP posts:
chillpizza · 19/02/2019 15:05

Wonder why his ex left him. Man child favours male child to daughter detriment.

Comefromaway · 19/02/2019 15:06

Am I correct in thinking that if your dh would just ask his ex to take the son and she turned round and said no for whatever reason, that you would then try and work something out so that both children got to their events?

My dh even took our dd to a blinking drag queen show because it clashed with me taking ds to his theatre group rehearsal. That really was NOT his cup of tea but he did it because we do our best for the kids and treat their commitments equally.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 15:08

DH ex would not say no, she’s not unreasonable and we are all very flexible and amicable with the children

OP posts:
RiverTam · 19/02/2019 15:10

so what are you going to do long-term, OP? Because you can't allow your DD to grow up with a father who ignores her.

Opheliablox · 19/02/2019 15:11

The fact that the step son has a mum is the only thing making pp’s say this is about “my kid v your kid”. Op clearly embraces both kids but in this situation it’s perfectly reasonable to ask the son’s mum to step in. You are not in the least u Op

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/02/2019 15:28

If that comment about 'your' was aimed at me, I know your daughter is both of yours. I worded it badly, probably should have put yours and his but I meant your as in both of you.

It's pretty obvious he would just take her to football which is why I said that you should just ask your dad and then deal with him so that she doesn't miss out.

Youseethethingis · 19/02/2019 15:30

dontdoubtyourself - it’s not about the ex. He could ask and she could say no. Fine. But he won’t, because he has decided to ditch his plans with his daughter at the last minute and wait for the OP to sort it all out. That’s the part that’s really piss poor.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 15:35

Have you told him how angry this has made you, OP?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 19/02/2019 15:51

But he won’t, because he has decided to ditch his plans with his daughter at the last minute and wait for the OP to sort it all out. That’s the part that’s really piss poor.

Agreed. It's a real shame OP that you've taken the problem on and not at the very least left it to him to ask your dad solve.

FilthyforFirth · 19/02/2019 16:09

How is he with his other daughter? Does he only have time for his son?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/02/2019 16:29

He does not h e long standing Sunday plans with his son. He has long standing Saturday plans with his son. He can go or a Saturday plan. He can't do Sunday.

Son needs to realise that the world does not revolve around his schedule. It's no ones fault but a last mi Ute change was made and as such the rota was already filled.

That's family life.

Gatehouse77 · 19/02/2019 16:38

Nmum09

I'd be telling him (or setting him up depending on my mood) that he's the one telling her that he's changed the plans. Start a conversation and leave the room. If your daughter gets upset leave him to deal with it (until you feel the need/want to step in).
It's her reaction to this that he needs to see and , hopefully, will understand one day.

bluegreygreen · 19/02/2019 17:42

I'd be telling him (or setting him up depending on my mood) that he's the one telling her that he's changed the plans. Start a conversation and leave the room. If your daughter gets upset leave him to deal with it (until you feel the need/want to step in).
It's her reaction to this that he needs to see and , hopefully, will understand one day.

Yeah, cos playing games with a six year old's feelings is such a great idea...

This needs to be sorted out between the adults before anything is said to the children.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/02/2019 18:14

It actually only needs to be sorted by one adult. He's the one that's double booked himself.

OP only needs to worry about what treatments she will get at the spa.

bluegreygreen · 19/02/2019 18:16

Perhaps, but surely in most families the parents get together to discuss and sort clashes out?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/02/2019 18:34

Op has come up with a solution.

DH take DD like he promised. DSS mum take him. Job done.

Peanutbutterforever · 19/02/2019 20:28

Don't get involved. DH is looking after the kids that day as you are away. Let HIM sort the logistics.

MissEliza · 19/02/2019 22:56

Can't another parent from the football team take the ds? That's what would happen in our house.

ittakes2 · 19/02/2019 23:07

I bet he has not only the option of asking his ex but also asking other parents of football team members if they can help out. He sounds like my hubby - football obsessed. I have boy/girl twins and I don't even bother to ask my hubby to miss a beloved boys football match to help out my daughter with something. Its not OK but it causes so much angst I do not bother. Dig your heels in if you want to - you are in the right - but I would ask your dad and if he can't do it...don't miss your spa day - insist your hubby finds another parent to help with his son.