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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:17

Your OH is no longer a full time dad to DS but has a long standing arrangement to take him to football. What sort of a father would he be to break that arrangement in favour of DD?

The sort of father that has more than one child and sometimes compromises need to be made? Yes, in all families. Confused
The football is normally on a Saturday but was moved to Sunday. Any “long standing arrangement” might not fit if it’s not on the right day anyway.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:19

You’ve not got a clue what you’re talking about! DS does not remember his parent ever being together, nor does he ever remember me not being in his life, I’m not some new squeeze his dad has just shacked up with who wants him to ditch his children! We are a happy family, football was scheduled for Saturday DH was taking DD to an audition on Sunday, football got changed now DH wants to drop arrangement to take DD, where you get the rest of your assumptions from I do not know!

OP posts:
DamonSalvatoresDinner · 19/02/2019 10:19

@Nmum09 I'm sorry that people don't seem to be able to read today or are pushing their "evil stepmother" issues onto your situation.

YANBU. You booked and paid for a spa day. DD then has an audition booked so naturally, her dad, who had no previous plans, was booked to take her.
Dad is a footie fan and shares this passion with his son. Son's plans change and he now has a better offer for his dad (shared interest if footie vs some girls's audition) therefore dad drops daughter like a hot potato now that the better offer has come up.

Yep. You have a DH problem. I'm sorry. He should tell his son he is sorry but he has a previous commitment and is busy that dad but son's mum can take him this time.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:20

Some of us get you op Smile YANBU at all.

Juells · 19/02/2019 10:21

In her opening post.

I've read and re-read that OP to see why people were mentioning her dad, and never read that closing sentence until now! Total comprehension fail 😂

Having now finally seen that sentence, I think the OP should ask her dad to do it this once.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/02/2019 10:22

From the OP

Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

Stop being a martyr and ask your father.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:22

Finally someone who get it!!! I’m glad you picked up on everyone trying to make me out as a wicked step mother, that couldn’t be further from the truth!

OP posts:
spreadingchestnuttree · 19/02/2019 10:22

I would either ask your dad (which sounds an ideal solution) or ask one of the other football parents to take your son to football.

spreadingchestnuttree · 19/02/2019 10:23

*sorry, step son.

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2019 10:24

This is just an unfortunate fixture change, no one has done anything wrong

Outside of being a blended family a grandparent taking is exactly what would and should happen.

The football arguably was the original commitment but here it’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances

And yes asking his mum might not work either she may have Sunday commitments as well

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:26

Stop being a martyr and ask your father.

The next time an ex moans on here about her children’s father not doing something for their child, maybe you should call her a martyr too and get her to ask her parents to do it instead?

The op asking her dad should be a very very last resort in order for her dd not to miss out!

Serin · 19/02/2019 10:27

If your dad is willing to take DD then I'd go with that option.

JellyBook · 19/02/2019 10:28

I think your DH’s logic is just a bit off - he always takes his son to football therefore must still take his son to football even though the football has changed and therefore interfered with his other commitment to his daughter.

I don’t think it’s so much that he’s choosing one over the other, he’s just being thick, he’s not thinking any further than ‘son - football- must take’

cricketballs3 · 19/02/2019 10:31

the football is a longstanding hobby that your DP does with his DS - this is not about 'dropping' his DD but honouring the commitment to his DS with regards to their shared interest.

Juells · 19/02/2019 10:31

The op asking her dad should be a very very last resort in order for her dd not to miss out!

But...everyone is doing something different on that day, I can't see what's the big problem about asking the OP's father to help out on the rare occasion when arrangements have all clashed. The 'audition' can't be that important or the OP wouldn't be voluntarily missing it.

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 10:32

The thing is, I'm presuming DS has a long-standing commitment to football, just as DD has a long-standing commitment to dance.

I think it would be foolish to turn this into a DSS vs DD issue when in reality its just a logistics issue that has unfortunately come about due to a change of fixture. This happens in non-blended families too!

In this situation I can't see why you wouldn't ask your dad to help out and ensure BOTH children get to do their hobby instead of expecting one to forego for the other as some kind of parenting test of your husband.

Gatehouse77 · 19/02/2019 10:33

I get you. It's not about the relationship your DH has with either children, it's actually about the fact that both you and your daughter are being inconvenienced (unfairly) in order that he can attend a football match having previously agreed to take DD to her audition.

If it were the other way round would he have dropped the football match for the audition? I suspect, no. That's the issue - where he is prioritising.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:33

Op has his mum ever taken him to his football practice? I love taking my ds but I know his dad has more of an interest in football than me. I just enjoy watching my son have fun and develop his talent. I have no idea what the rules are or anything though and I find football so boring on the tv.

1StepBeyond · 19/02/2019 10:34

tell your OH that my exh used to behave this way

when we got divorced, dd refused to go and stay with him because 'why would I, he was only ever interested in ds and going to his football'

that literally came out of her mouth

she's an adult now and I've worked very hard to repair the damage he caused in their relationship so they do see each other, but not often. Children are wise enough to see these things, even at a young age!

micromanager1 · 19/02/2019 10:34

I think it's probably a tricky situation for DH. Perhaps he already suspects that his ex DP will not be able to make the date or DS/ex DP will be resentful if he cannot.

Additionally, it is an activity that they enjoy doing together, and makes him feel close and bonded with his son.
It might be an internalised guilt thing, and he probably also loves watching him play - it's his thing and he doesn't want anyone else to go instead.

Also, perhaps he doesn't view the spa as a necessary factor (I think you're perfectly in your rights to go but maybe he doesn't). Maybe he views your plans as a luxury, which is going to force him to make a tough choice between supporting his children. I think he's falling back on what he views as "domains".
E.g. The football is his domain - he takes full responsibility for getting DS to football whenever it's on.
Dancing is "your" domain, (perhaps I am making assumptions, but sounds like you normally take DD and make these arrangements). It is your responsibility to get her there, whenever it is.

Therefore, even with change of plans on fixture, his parenting technique is to compartmentalise responsibility. I'm not saying this is right, but is maybe a good way to approach the situation. I don't think he views it as a negative towards DD, just that his primary responsibility is DS's football commitments.

Muddysnowdrop · 19/02/2019 10:37

Well he wants to watch the football game and he doesn’t want to watch the dance audition. He’s a man so he should get to do whatever he wants, natch.

Juells · 19/02/2019 10:37

I wonder what age the DD is?

CandyflossKing · 19/02/2019 10:39

YANBU. What message does it send to your daughter when he drops a commitment to her to do something with his son.

Neither child is being asked to forego anything. OP has merely stated that DSS' mum be asked if she can take him. A reasonable and logical request!

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:40

Ok and when my daughter asked why daddy is no longer taking her?.....sorry kid football is more important than supporting you.

OP posts:
OVienna · 19/02/2019 10:41

This is another completely insane thread. It's got it all, wicked stepmother, a dig at you having made plans with friends at the weekend, etc etc.

@Nmum09 YANBU - at all. The date of the fixture changed to a time your DH had already agreed to do something for DD. Your DSS's mum could take him - and might well welcome the chance, if it's something your DH has previously insisted is 'his thing' with him. (I have a friend in this situation and she finds it a bore.)

What's happened here is that your DH prefers the ACTIVITY of going to the football - like a previous poster said, it's probably a social thing as well, and I am guessing that whatever DD is auditioning for is something he has less interest in/experience of. I'd be annoyed too.

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