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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:27

Yes ex would take him, it’s just my OH saying he shouldn’t have to miss sons football when he always takes him but he usually plays on a Saturday and had a last minute fixture change to a Sunday. DD is 6! DS is 11!

OP posts:
GlacindaTheTroll · 19/02/2019 09:27

I agree wit's your DH

  • you don't expect an ex to do stuff when it's your weekend unless it's an emergency (accident, illness, arrest etc)
  • asking when it's not an emergency may be a bit more flexible, but needs more notice and is all part of a balance of exchange of favours. It's up,to DH, not you, to decide when it's reasonable to ask.
  • the football is just as important as the dance
  • a match is just as important as an audition
  • each DC needs a parent with, and there are two DC and two adults
  • it's well established that DH covers the footie, especially the more important days such as this one, when there is a match
-yuntake on the dance. It is up to you to find someone else to go if you want to be elsewhere. Ask your dad, or hire daytime babysitter
Sirzy · 19/02/2019 09:28

But if your dad is free to take her then why does it need to be an issue? If both children have someone to take them then great.

If he has a long standing arrangement with his son, who he doesn’t get to see as much of then if it can be avoided I am with him not wanting to change it.

It’s also not fair on the ex to expect her to step in during his time because your family can’t sort things

SassitudeandSparkle · 19/02/2019 09:30

It does seem a little unfair - despite the change - to ask him to miss out on one of his contact days with his sons tbh. That's the issue on this occasion, the OP seems to be seeing it as more of a pattern of disinterest though - unfortunately, while that may be true I don't think this is a good example to go in to battle on!

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:30

It is not DH weekend, we have access every weekend so it’s not an inconvenience or change of plans. My point is both DC have 2 parents who are able to take the children places, if I’m not available for our DD I need DH to step in and if DH not available for DS then surely his mum should be asked to step in?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 19/02/2019 09:31

I think the issue here is that he refuses to even ask.

If he asked and exDP said no, then fair enough you'd ask DGP but he's more invested in the football than the dance so doesn't want to ask. Which may ultimately make DD feel second best.

IceRebel · 19/02/2019 09:31

the football fixture has changed days last minute so up until then OH was available to take DD

The audition came first so tough luck on the football. You honor a previous commitment.

If a child had accepted a party invite then wanted to do something else we would all say no, the party came first it would be rude to cancel. This is the same situation, the audition came first so he takes his daughter, and someone else can go to the football.

blackteasplease · 19/02/2019 09:31

Yanbu. He is U not to even ask his wife. However id probably ask you Dad to step in to get around this!

blackteasplease · 19/02/2019 09:32

Oh sorry I misread this . Ask his ex I mean!

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:33

He is not missing out on one of his contact days. We have a flexible agreement with DH ex so that’s not the issue here.

OP posts:
AuntieCJ · 19/02/2019 09:35

He's a prick, OP. Awful message to give his daughter that she doesn't matter as much as his son.

Does he always show such favouritism? I'd be rethinking my relationship.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/02/2019 09:35

Have you asked your father if he can take her to the audition?

I agree that your husband should ask his ex, but if football is the main connection he shares with his son then I understand him not wanting to drop it. And also an 11 year old's football is likely to be at a more serious level than a 6 year old's audition. What is she auditioning for?

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:36

Because my dad is not her parent, and surely her DD should want to stick to the plans with DD to take her to her first audition than ditch her for a last minute changed football fixture?

OP posts:
Wild123 · 19/02/2019 09:37

I think if he is not losing a contact day and your arrangement is flexible i see no issue with your OH asking if ex can do the football.

If your OH doesn't take interest in your DD you have a much bigger problem and need to get this sorted sooner rather than later!

Cranky17 · 19/02/2019 09:37

Yes ex would take him, it’s just my OH saying he shouldn’t have to miss sons football when he always takes him but he usually plays on a Saturday and had a last minute fixture change to a Sunday. DD is 6! DS is 11!

Sorry op he’s a twat, neither child needs to miss out and the audition was the first one arranged.
Not sure what I’d do in your place but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the future

IceRebel · 19/02/2019 09:38

And also an 11 year old's football is likely to be at a more serious level than a 6 year old's audition.

What an appalling attitude. Shock Following this logic the younger child's commitments will always come second and be less important, just because they're younger.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/02/2019 09:40

Because my dad is not her parent, and surely her DD should want to stick to the plans with DD to take her to her first audition than ditch her for a last minute changed football fixture?

Well I do see your point. But it almost seems as if it is more important to you to make your husband skip the football, than to just get each child to their activity with a responsible adult, and you off to your spa day.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 09:40

We have pretty much 50:50 access with son so that’s not the issue here.

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 19/02/2019 09:43

Well I do see your point. But it almost seems as if it is more important to you to make your husband skip the football, than to just get each child to their activity with a responsible adult, and you off to your spa day.

This. I get the impression that you’re trying to make him choose and you’re trying to score points against his ex.

Cla9 · 19/02/2019 09:43

I still think YABU. It’s only a spa day. The audition and match are surely more important. Don’t go or get someone else to take DD.

CinnabarRed · 19/02/2019 09:45

We have pretty much 50:50 access with son so that’s not the issue here

But he sees his DS 50% of the time and his DD 100% of the time - that’s the point here.

You’re sounding more and more like you’re point scoring rather than looking for the best solution.

theonetowalkinthesun · 19/02/2019 09:46

Now that I understand that your OH was always taking DD to the audition and it is only now that DS's fixture has changed date and is now on the same day, DS needs to find an alternative person to take his DS to the football. That doesn't have to be his ex, although could be. But onus is on him to find alternative arrangements for taking DS, not alternative arrangement for taking DD.

idontlikebirthdaycake · 19/02/2019 09:47

Can I ask... How much time does your partner spend with his Sons? Does he see them once a week? Do you and your little one go too?

How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Please don't be that type of Step-Mother, just let him take his Son to the football and find someone else to take your Daughter to her dance class

Handsfull13 · 19/02/2019 09:47

I think you make a fair argument and he should ask his ex if she can help. If she can't then you'll need to ask your dad if he can help out. There is no harm in asking his ex if you have a good relationship with her.

But at some point you'll need to have a discussion with your partner if his son will always come before your daughter.

chantico · 19/02/2019 09:48

'Awful message to give his daughter that she doesn't matter as much as his son.'

Equally awful for the DS to be shown he doesn't matter as much as DD.

It's not a family prior commitment, it's scheduling two DC

OP you need to find someone to take your DD.