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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 18/02/2019 10:39

Wow, your DP’s friends are absolute shits. If that level of bullying and cruelty and malice is what they think of as funny, then they are unbelievably stupid.

Your DP weakly telling them not to say this stuff isn’t enough. If I had a friend who repeatedly abused my DH I would drop them immediately.

You can’t live your life with someone with no backbone. You need someone who will stand up for you. If you ever have a kid with this man, you will need to be a unit, and you will need to feel that he has your back at all times. However cuddly and nice he is with you, he’s proving himself to be weak and he is prioritising his friendships with this bunch of idiots over you.

peachgreen · 18/02/2019 10:40

That's awful, OP. I'm so sorry.

My DH wouldn't even consider being friends with people who made fun of my appearance.

This would be a dealbreaker for me and I would definitely be ending the relationship. You deserve better.

Tohaveandtohold · 18/02/2019 10:40

I would end the relationship to be honest. I can’t imagine that they will keep saying vile things about you if he is not allowing it. It’s only a joke if you are laughing. The moment you made it known that it’s upsetting and they still continue and your do allowed it then it’s now bullying.
I’ve not seen a group of matured 29 yo joke about someone’s weight. They all sound childish

carrotflinger · 18/02/2019 10:41

That's awful.
So you've read the group chat messages? Did you see messages from your DP in there where he tells them to stop?
If, as he claims, he has told them enough is enough, then there would be messages in there from him saying just that.

I ask because I have just come out of a relationship with someone and he used to tell me the awful things other people (ie. his friends) said about me and claimed he had told them to stop. I don't believe he ever did and he was far too weak to stick up for me in front of his friends and family.
If your DP can't do that, then you do need to rethink the relationship.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2019 10:41

Oh wow, what a nasty bunch of assholes your DP is friends with. I'm not a man so I can't comment for sure on whether this is "normal" lad banter but I seriously doubt (hope) that it's not.

Honestly I think it's unreasonable of your DP to expect you to just suck it up and socialise with people who speak about you like that

AuntieCJ · 18/02/2019 10:43

I don't understand why he is still friends with them.

NataliaOsipova · 18/02/2019 10:43

but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me

And you’re right. He is. Have you put it to him like that - that you want a man who will stand up for you and won’t stand to see you insulted? Because that’s what it is - it isn’t “banter”.

CallipygianFancier · 18/02/2019 10:43

He needs to lay down the law with them a bit. If they can't handle being told very bluntly to pack it in, he's better off without them.
I have friends who are going out with or married to women I don't find at all attractive, but they're clearly happy and I'd never say anything to them, it's just being a dick for the sake of it.

ohfourfoxache · 18/02/2019 10:43

Sometimes you should judge people on the company they keep.

And the fact that he still wants to spend time with these cunts tells you a lot

HollowTalk · 18/02/2019 10:45

Dump him and never see him or his stupid friends again.

He is allowing this to happen - he should have put a stop to it the first time it happened and given them a bollocking and not spoken to them again if they continued.

He doesn't have your back.

SmashedMug · 18/02/2019 10:46

He'd rather let them carry on and keep them as his buddies than stop them and risk losing them. Yet he's fine with it upsetting you.

Deal breaker for me too.

Sarahjconnor · 18/02/2019 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2019 10:46

Sometimes you should judge people on the company they keep.

And the fact that he still wants to spend time with these cunts tells you a lot

Yeah that's true too. I think you have to swing it back to what would you do if the situation was reversed. I wouldn't be spending any time with a "friend" who spoke about my DH that way, that's for sure

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 18/02/2019 10:47

I would find it hard to move on from that. Not just their revolting comments (load of shit cunts they are) but your partner still considering them to be friends.

LadyMinerva · 18/02/2019 10:48

I'm not one for ultimatums but it sounds like it would be his 'mates' or me in this instance. Your BF is a weak, pathetic arese by allowing them to carry on like that. He drops them (you know he won't) or you drop him (and you will feel so powerful).

Do you want a man that stands up for you or a boy that allows you to be hurt?

You are worth so, so, so much more than that.

TDMN · 18/02/2019 10:49

Oh OP, my heart broke a little for you, it must have been horrible reading those vile comments.
Something similar happened to me with my ex - not the same extent as this but i found out one of his friends had said 'nice body, shame about the face - you can do better'
My ex just laughed it off as banter but it affected my confidence really badly.
I dont really have any advice to be honest, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
You shouldn't have to do this, but as you are TTC would it be worth asking your partner how he would feel about this happening to his child? Might make him see your side a bit more.

Lizzie48 · 18/02/2019 10:49

but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me

He really is. Quite apart from the hurt I would feel (I'm an overweight person myself), I wouldn't feel any respect for a man who would want to stay friends with such vile bullies.

Deal breaker for me as well.

Sonders · 18/02/2019 10:50

END YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Jeez, the friends are bad enough but the fact your DP is happy to look past the awful comments and the impact they're having on you whilst at the same time dismissing you completely is a real show of his shitty character.

You deserve so, so much better than this. I don't want to even dignifiy their comments by saying that you're an average size for a woman in the UK. BUT YOU ARE AVERAGE SIZED!

They can go shove it, and your feeble DP can go back to cry-masturbating into a sock instead of sharing a wonderful life with a wonderful woman who loved him. Dickhead.

AyoadesChinDimple · 18/02/2019 10:50

They sound like twats and sadly, so does he.

staydazzling · 18/02/2019 10:51

god this is awful OP, truly awful tbh I don't think I could marry him.

MadameJosephine · 18/02/2019 10:53

This would be a deal breaker for me. Not only is he not defending you he actually wants you to spend time with these arseholes? Fuck that, time to move on and find someone who will put you first

Tiredmum100 · 18/02/2019 10:54

YANBU in the slightest. My ex's friends made a comment about my size once, we were in the car park of KFC (I wasn't eating anything my ex was). His friend rang him, he said where we were etc, then I heard the friend say quote "you need to tell your bird to cut down on the KFC". I was size 14/16 too. One of the reasons he's an ex is because he would never stand up for me. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to spend time with them. They sound like a bunch of pathetic little boys. You need to speak to your partner. He needs to tell his friends to treat the women he loves and wants a family with to treat her with respect. To be honest even if they apologize I doubt you'd want to see them any way.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 18/02/2019 10:54

I'm a size 20 and my DH wouldn't associate with anyone who made fun of my size. It just wouldn't happen. He'd have told them all to fuck off and that would have been that. Your DP doesn't respect you and thinks more of his mates than your feelings.

7yo7yo · 18/02/2019 10:54

If need the relationship.

Bobbycat121 · 18/02/2019 10:55

Just because its average size doesnt mean it isnt overweight. Im not condoning their comments but people do pick on people for their weight, its a very easy thing to target (I would know as im overweight myself) Im not sure how common it is but I know my ex use to be in a group like this and they took the piss out of eachother so maybe their way of taking the piss out of him is by taking the piss out of you?