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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
AlwaysSomethingThere · 18/02/2019 20:08

So many women automatically throwing the old LTB comment at the OP as if it's that simple.

... only in this case you really should tell him to fuck off! What a twat.

AgathaF · 18/02/2019 20:23

I wonder how he'd feel if your friends were making nasty, personal comments about aspects of his appearance on a regular basis, with you just allowing it to continue?

Hope you're ok this evening.

Gina2012 · 18/02/2019 20:33

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

You'll be skinny but you'll still have a twattish arsehole for a partner. ConfusedHmm

gambaspilpil · 18/02/2019 20:41

agree with Aeroflotgirl your DP friends are continuing the abuse because your DP allows it....

PotteryLady · 18/02/2019 20:44

You have made the right decision.

SabineUndine · 18/02/2019 20:47

By not stopping the abuse your DP is condoning it. Glad you've decided to leave.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2019 21:07

Really not much you can do if your partner does not have your back and is supporting this bullying and vile behaviour towards you. The only way is to set yiur bar high and leave this situation. By being in a group that is the platform for this nasty behaviour, failing to put a stop to it, and minimising their behaviour. And expecting op to be fine with it, and to see people who are abusive towards her.p is unacceptable of a supposidly loving partner.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 19/02/2019 01:43

Sorry, OP, but your partner is an absolute coward. No man worth his salt wouldn't stand up for the woman he loves. I showed your post to DH and he was disgusted. He said if any of his friends had said anything disparaging about me, he would drop them in a heartbeat.

There are better men out there. Do not marry or have children with this sad excuse of a man. He is a spineless, weak, impotent pantywaist.

You can and must do better.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 19/02/2019 01:49

Just read your update, OP, glad to see you're leaving him. You can and will find a better partner.

Best of luck to you in everything. Flowers

HelenaDove · 19/02/2019 02:32

"I thought exactly what sunnyaussiegirl said - accidentally allowing you to see these comments twice says to me he wants you to lose weight and is engineering ‘motivation’ in a very cowardly way."

Shes already at Slimming World Whats he trying to do? Give her an eating disorder as an early wedding present.

HelenaDove · 19/02/2019 02:53

Glad you are planning on leaving him OP

pollyglot · 19/02/2019 03:29

NRTWT, but I think they are jealous. You are obviously a much better catch that their GFs, and it's simple envy talking. Not blowing my own etc, but my ex-BIL used to do this - tell my exH that he'd seen "your big fat missus" and so on. I was a size 12, and 5'9", and actually, looking back at my photos, really beautiful (though didn't know it because vanity was the cardinal sin with my "D"M.) I also had a Masters and a very good job.
Just LTB - you deserve better.

Bubs101 · 19/02/2019 03:58

It always makes me sad when I see posts like this, and I know my response may get lost in the thread, but you really do deserve so much more. 'Lad Banter' reminds me of the shit we women had to go through at 16, you should expect better from grown men.
I always find it interesting though particularly with men like these, how quickly the tables turn if their mothers or sisters were to be shamed in such a way, they wouldn't stand for it, yet apparently the GF is a free pass. It just shows that he doesn't respect you, or value you enough to stop the abuse. And yet you want this man to be the father of your children?
Your young OP, LTB and be with somebody who treats you with love and respect.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/02/2019 04:38

I hate the word "banter". It's been taken and twisted to give bullies "licence" to bully more, by downplaying it as "just banter, just teasing". Fucking "teasing" - verbal torture by another name in many cases! And the same goes for banter.

I'm so so glad to read your update and I do hope you go through with it because the problem is, when someone doesn't stop the "banter" Angry, you have to wonder if they secretly half-agree with it.

Anyway - you're doing the right thing and I hope the next guy you meet actually knows how to love, respect and treat you properly, as you deserve. Thanks

chumbabum · 19/02/2019 06:36

OP how are you doing?

Justnapping · 19/02/2019 06:43

OMG this is horrific! He should have dumped his friends and left the group chat. If I were you I would be really upset he is still friends with them

Belenus · 19/02/2019 06:52

You are obviously a much better catch that their GFs,

We know nothing about them except they're size 8/10. Is it really necessary to do other women down like this for no discernible reason. They aren't the problem here.

Nyon · 19/02/2019 06:57

I hate the word "banter". It's been taken and twisted to give bullies "licence" to bully more, by downplaying it as "just banter, just teasing". Fucking "teasing" - verbal torture by another name in many cases! And the same goes for banter.

This, in spades.

OP, hope you’re ok - you seemed to make an exceptionally speedy decision to leave and I hope that your DP hasn’t convinced you otherwise.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/02/2019 07:05

Op that's terrible, please know that not everyone is like that. Could you take a photo of you giving them them the finger, and post that in the group chat? I would leave over that as others have said. I also think an ultimatum of me or them is reasonable too

LordTubbington90 · 19/02/2019 09:51

@gracieellis19 did you speak to him last night?

Lizzie48 · 19/02/2019 10:05

I hate the word "banter". It's been taken and twisted to give bullies "licence" to bully more, by downplaying it as "just banter, just teasing". Fucking "teasing" - verbal torture by another name in many cases! And the same goes for banter.

This was the defence given for Trump's comments about women, that it was 'locker room banter'.

RiverTam · 19/02/2019 10:34

'banter', along with 'boys will be boys', is exactly the kind of 'I can't be bothered to deal with this behaviour from my son/brother/husband/mate' school of thought that led to #metoo.

Chucklecheeks1 · 19/02/2019 11:47

I hope you're ok OP x

Sparklesocks · 19/02/2019 11:56

Really sorry this happened OP, but in a way it’s good you know his true self. You deserve a partner who loves you unconditionally and would never let his friends talk about you like that and not defend you (or have friends who think that’s acceptable in the first place).

Ginseng1 · 19/02/2019 12:09

Urh what a spineless piece of s*. Leave now while you have no kids & not married & consider it a lucky escape. Do NOT have kids with this twat. Not only did he not leave the group & fall out with his mates he let you check his phone knowing those horrible comments were there. He does not give a toss for your feelings.