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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
Roxyxoxo · 18/02/2019 11:24

What sad lives they must lead to make disgusting comments like that repeatedly. In fairness to your DP some people (not just men) are rubbish at properly calling people out, be clear with him that what he is currently doing by just saying stop etc is no way near enough; and he needs to be sticking up for you properly.

traceyturnblatt · 18/02/2019 11:26

I feel so so sad for you OP, I was bullied horribly throughout school because of my size (size 12 and busty) and I genuinely thought I'd never meet anyone who would love me.

I met my DH 11 years ago, I'd lost a lot of weight and had an eating disorder. We fell in love and have since had two children. My body has changed massively over the years and having had two children definitely did a number too. My DH loves me, wants the lights on when we were are together and never ever makes me feel self conscious on how I look. If one of his friends said something like that, he'd stop talking to them without a thought.

Find yourself someone who doesn't see your size, who just sees you for you and loves you for it. It doesn't sound like your DP does.

Springwalk · 18/02/2019 11:27

yes you are right worral

Original poster
GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 11:27

I just want to say to everyone, thanks so much. I've really felt torn and lost about this, and living hours from home, I don't have much (physical) support behind me. I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

OP posts:
Procrastination4 · 18/02/2019 11:27

A bunch of 29 year olds acting like this?? Unbelievable. As for inviting them to my wedding -No- but then again, I don't think I'd be getting married or considering any kind of a future with someone who thought it was ok for his "friends" to mock me like this.
Furthermore, you spoke to them about it. That should have been the end of it if they were truly apologetic and realised how horrible they were being.
I'd nearly be issuing an ultimatum at this stage- your friends or me-if I was you. And that's not being too demanding-they've been given the chance to stop and haven't; he knows how upset you are by it and hasn't done anything to stop it. His choice-who's more important to him: a bunch of immature idiots or his partner?

HulksPurplePanties · 18/02/2019 11:28

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

No. Not even slightly.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 11:28

I'm genuinely astounded he expects you to socialise with people who insult you like this. And that he's telling you you aren't allowed to be upset because you were never supposed to see it.

All round it's awful behaviour from him towards you.

If any of my friends started insulting my husband, I'd put an immediate stop to it and make it clear it wasn't on. And if she continued I'd end the friendship. I really am shocked you think your partner adores you when he is behaving so horribly towards you.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 18/02/2019 11:29

Huh? That's really not the best revenge. The best revenge is to dump your shit partner's sorry ass

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2019 11:30

Well said OP, well said. You Go Girl

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 11:30

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

Please tell me you're kidding and don't genuinely think this?

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2019 11:31

The answer isn't to try to make yourself acceptable to these shitbags.

Parthenope · 18/02/2019 11:31

Flip the situation, OP. Your boyfriend of three years has moved to your hometown and has always done his best to fit in with and appreciate and been friendly to your childhood friends, to whom you are still close. Your friends continually, in group chats, make cruel comments about his body, call him names related to his weight, and tease you about how awful it must be having sex with a 'whale'. What do you do? Then he accidentally finds out, and is understandably terribly hurt, and doesn't want to socialise with them. What do you do?

Original poster
GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 11:31

I was kidding, sorry guys, my humour can be quite niche!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 11:31

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

No it really isn't, because you're assuming they're going care. Of course they're not, why would they?

And more importantly, if you have a baby with your partner, you will be forever tied to a man who has no respect for you whatsoever.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 11:32

*to care

SimoneStrasser · 18/02/2019 11:32

Who is more important to him, you or his twattish mates?

I know that Dh would not tolerate any shite said about me but your partner seems to see it as just banter, he’s as much of a problem as those other tools.

lmusic87 · 18/02/2019 11:32

Can't believe he values those friends more than you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2019 11:34

Sorry, I assumed you meant you were going to dump him (which you should...)

Springwalk · 18/02/2019 11:34

Your best revenge is to throw HIS skinny arse out of the door, have some respect for yourself and find someone decent.

Janedoughnut · 18/02/2019 11:34

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

No no. This isn't revenge.

So what happens if they start on your looks. Are you going to get plastic surgery to get your revenge.?

Parthenope · 18/02/2019 11:35

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

Oh, OP. This is sad, and suggests you know in your heart and soul you are committed to a weak man, whose friends' right to vicious 'lad banter' that focuses on your weight is more important to him than the happiness and security of the woman he supposedly loves and is ttc with.

Think about getting pregnant, OP -- what will this gang of knuckle-draggers think when you grow a pregnancy bump and swollen ankles? Imagine the extra fun of the 'bantz'!

Is this really all you think you're worth??? Sad

Chucklecheeks1 · 18/02/2019 11:35

Oh OP thats not the best revenge. And the fact you wrote that tells me you have your self worth tied directly to your body size.

Do you think if you weigh less your are more worthy of your DP and his friends? That they won't make disparanging comments? Bullies don't stop when you're thinner, they just pick something else to focus on.

And the fact your DP allows them to is a clear indication of his feelings for you. Please dont have a child with this man. I did with my Ex, his friends now make disparanging comments about my beautiful daughter. But its just banter.

You deserve so much better.

ToPlanZ · 18/02/2019 11:36

So the best revenge is to force yourself into their idea of feminine beauty? Ignore your partner's woeful lack of support and him dismissing his friends insult and objectification as "lads bantz'?

Ask yourself how he'll let you down next time, because he will. It doesn't matter how kissy and cuddly he is, to him you are little more than an object because he clearly doesn't care about your feelings, opinions or social standing amongst his friends.

I would give him once last chance to have my back and to ditch him incredibly disrespectful misogynist friends. If he didn't that would be the deal breaker. Size doesn't matter to someone who loves you, you deserve to be their number one priority.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/02/2019 11:36

OP, don’t marry someone who doesn’t have your back. Don’t have people at your wedding or in your life who will bitch about you.

What if in the future you have a child who is less than perfect? A physical problem or a SEN. Imagine what these dickheads will be saying behind his back. Imagine your weak DH going along with it.

sunnyaussiegirl · 18/02/2019 11:36

what happens if you have a daughter and she is overweight one day? is he going to let his "mates" make fun of her, too?

he is a coward

and no, the answer is not to lose weight as a revenge, everybody deserves respect, regardless of their weight and appearance

What if you were to become disabled? would he stick up for you then?

the question is, how can you trust him to have your back?