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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:

UnleashTheBulsara · 18/02/2019 11:37

I can't believe your "DP" actually asked you to check his phone for him, knowing these asshat friends of his had made lots of horrible comments about you that you could easily see! Did he want you to see that, what would he want to gain from that? If I had a bunch of mates making fun of and insulting my partner, (I wouldn't tolerate that) no way would I want them to see it, I'd delete the comments before they could and not risk it.

You can do better than this OP, this man doesn't ultimately care about your feelings. Why would you stay for more kicking?!

If his mates don't like you, they'll find something else to mock you about, since that's the kind of people they are. And your DP is one of them.

CalmdownJanet · 18/02/2019 11:37

The best revenge is to actually ditch your oh, realise you are worth more and live your life surrounding yourself with nicer people, and leave these losers to have the bantz together while you are happy no longer living in tosserville

NataliaOsipova · 18/02/2019 11:39

The best revenge is to actually ditch your oh, realise you are worth more and live your life surrounding yourself with nicer people, and leave these losers to have the bantz together

Perfectly put.

sunnyaussiegirl · 18/02/2019 11:40

yes, indeed, why did he let you near his phone? did he maybe want you to see the comments? to "motivate you" to lose weight?

horrible

Waveysnail · 18/02/2019 11:40

My dh would absolutely flip if any of his friends said that about me

woolduvet · 18/02/2019 11:40

So does lad banter include criticism of other girlfriends, does your dp get involved in that?
I couldn't respect someone who isn't in my corner, he should have shut them down the first time anything was said.

tictoc76 · 18/02/2019 11:41

I think it’s disgusting behaviour but I have to add something that may not go down well.

When me and DH were in our early days his friends were not particularly keen on me - I know they made comments but not to the extend some of your DP’s have. He was weak and didn’t stand up for me enough. I told him I didn’t like socialising with them because they clearly didn’t like me and I just didn’t enjoy feeling on edge and not being able to be myself around them. I didn’t ask him to drop them though because they had been around longer than me. He didn’t like it but he accepted I didn’t want to be around them. THey did all come to our wedding but shortly after that they all dropped out of his life without me pushing, he needed to grow up and realise for himself that they weren’t good friends but I am so glad he did that for himself.

I think I knew our relationship was stronger and they were childish friends he would grow out of when our life moved on. You need to make it clear they are so hurtful towards you that you don’t want to be around them and then see how he deals with that.

Bobfossil2 · 18/02/2019 11:43

Why are they so obsessed with you? How is this non-issue something that they talk about so much?! Bizzare.

My dh would be furious if his friends even slightly criticised me. He would not stand for this and I can’t see why yours doesn’t stick up for you. Why does he want to be friends with these people.

kateandme · 18/02/2019 11:49

No this is showing them that they're out dated awful Outlook on women and how they should be is true. You getting skinny but you saying yeah you're right I'm fat whale when you're not and even if you were a larger lady you're bloody beautiful for being whoever you are and your man should know this and stick up for it. And so should you. You are basically saying oh yeah you're right I need to be slimmer. When you should be doing that only ever for your health and well-being not to be skinny.

ems137 · 18/02/2019 11:50

I've got a very immature DH and have seen/heard some of their pathetic banter but I can honestly say there is NEVER anything as fucking horrible as what you've seen!! I can't even imagine him or his mates saying something like that once let alone repeatedly about someone's partner or family. Disgusting!

DH would never stand for someone saying stuff like that about me and I would expect him to not speak to them again tbh.

FriarTuck · 18/02/2019 11:53

I can’t imagine that they will keep saying vile things about you if he is not allowing it.
I can. They probably get a kick from winding DP up as well. And if he gets arsey they get to do that whole 'we were joking, some people are sooooo sensitive' bollocks. They're obviously tossers who don't even have the imagination to find a new topic of 'banter' so having a pop at DP at the same time would be about their mental capacity.
DP needs to be having your back in a big way. If he can't on this (to the extent of walking away from them if necessary) then having kids with him is not a good idea. How he's going to effectively co-parent with you for starters? You won't have a united front because he's not capable. Any bigger issues come up where he won't take your side and you can't walk away because of the kids. Spell it out to him.

Bumblebee27 · 18/02/2019 11:53

Op maybe think what you'd do if the roles were reversed and your friends were making horrible personal comments about your partner? Would you still be friends with them?

I'm not saying your oh is a bad person but he certainly hasn't got your back in this situation. There's lads banter and then there's sheer nastiness. If it were me I would drop them, who wants friends like that?

Margot33 · 18/02/2019 11:55

Maybe you could seperate and move on? I wouldn't socialise with his friends either. I'd feel sad that my partner didn't stick up for me to make it stop. This bullying behaviour would make me so sad that I' d end up overeating and gaining weight. I'm an emotional eater. I'd have to cut myself off from their toxic comments. It's not normal.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/02/2019 11:57

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man whose friends treated me in such a way as he weakly defended me.

I'd leave too.

pictish · 18/02/2019 11:59

What a gaggle of arseholes. Apart from anything else it shows a lack of respect for your dh. Many a cruelty is meted out in the name of jest. They’re simply socially inept and fundamentally unpleasant. Yanbu.

Cla9 · 18/02/2019 12:00

I would end the relationship if he keeps talking to them.
It happened to me although it wasn’t my weight they targeted. Makes me so angry people think they can treat others like this.

TitsAndTomatoes · 18/02/2019 12:02

Im sorry OP but i couldnt be with a man who allowed his friends to say that. Because thats what he is doing. He is allowing them why else do they keep doing it? If he told them to shut the fuck up and he doesnt wanna hear another derogatory term used to describe the woman he loves, if they do then he will just drop them this instant and find better individuals to hang with...then i bet you they would stop.

I think they all need to grow the fuck up.
No self respecting loving individual would even be part of a group where other twats humiliate their loved one.

45andahalf · 18/02/2019 12:02

They sounds like utter twats, and he sounds like a spineless worm. Ditch him, OP. Find someone who loves you enough to tell his mates to go fuck themselves.

FWIW, I used to be a 10 and now I'm a 16/18 (after having my DS), and DH would never speak to someone again, if they called me porky or whale. That's what you want in your life partner.

NCjustforthisthread · 18/02/2019 12:02

OP - i dont think that comment was 'humour' - i think you meant it but then when you saw some saying that they hope you didnt mean it took it back as 'niche humour'. If you want to lose weight, lose it for yourself - not for your partners friends. They are nothing to you.

You have a DP problem. Even if youve slimmed down to a size 4 - they will always make fun of 'that whale' or 'remember she used to be that fat bird' - because they are bullies. Ive been though this, but opposite - i was too (genetics) so ate and ate and ate - didnt work and im still now known as 'that anorexic stick' - theyre not my friends anymore, and havent been for years.

Dont have a child with a man who willfully lets his friends make fun of you and then dismiss it as 'banter'. Bullying is NOT banter. I get you love him and you want to stay with him, but, you need to realise this will get worse. He will delete messages. He is not strong enough to ditch his friends, that makes him weak. WHy would you even want to stay with someone like - because you have the same fucking life goals? You say he adores you - i say he doesnt, because no man who adores you will let his friends call you a whale. Sorry OP. I hope you feel better soon.

pictish · 18/02/2019 12:03

There are certain people to whom overweight people are fair game...usually men in my experience but not exclusively. It’s dreadful and shows such a lack of emotional intelligence.

LindaLa · 18/02/2019 12:04

Why does he socialise with bullies?
Does he do the same when he is with them?

Ask him what you should do about a situation where you feel that he is being bullied because of your dress size.
Ask him why should you be with someone who won't defend their own choices with a partner.

Bluewidow · 18/02/2019 12:05

Although his friends caused this it’s your oh that’s the problem. If my husbands friends had ever said anything like this about me he would have flattened them ( not saying that’s right but you get the point). It’s called respect for you partner and as they continue to message such comments he can’t have asserted himself very well. No he can’t police what they say but he can remove himself from the group chat.

SerenDippitty · 18/02/2019 12:06

Deal breaker for me too. These men are immature, shallow shits and I pity the women they are with.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2019 12:06

Do they do the same(not necessarily weight but picking at them for any reason) with any of the other wives/partners or is it just his/you?

LindaLa · 18/02/2019 12:08

These comments are no longer just the views of his friends.
If he had any respect for you or himself he'd have stopped them, they've continued because he's allowed it.

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