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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
JITSOG · 18/02/2019 11:12

He’s demonstrating a total lack of respect for you and the maturity of a teenager.

If he respected you, he wouldn’t entertain his friends calling you names. The friends continuing to do it, suggests that he has gone along with the name calling rather calling them out and putting a stop to it.

This would be a game changer for me. I’d be dumping him pronto and finding myself a partner who respected, loved and adored me and who would not have friends who behaved like immature, discriminatory idiots.

StressedToTheMaxx · 18/02/2019 11:12

I don't particularly like my dp's friends and I know they don't like me.
When we socialise we are all polite and get on- no atmosphere.
And because I love my dp i never say anything negative about them to him.
And as his bestfriends they never speak nasty of me. Furthermore if either of us did my dp would correct us and say it is not appropriate.
It's so wrong what they are doing. But your dp is allowing it

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 11:12

oh, fuck off with the 'lads banter' bullshit. Why the fuck are men so shit at calling out, properly calling out, this kind of behaviour from their mates?

Dump him.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 18/02/2019 11:13

Yeah we know that bobby, people target people because of the colour of their skin, their class, their hair colour, their disabilities but you come across as someone who shrugs your shoulders and says 'well, what do you expect? I mean, you ARE overweight afterall*

CaseofEllen · 18/02/2019 11:13

No! Fuck that. His friends shouldn't be saying such cruel things about you and he should've shut them down from the first moment they did. If he can't/won't defend you then I would seriously consider your relationship. I would also let the friends girlfriends know what sexist, cruel boyfriends they have but I'm petty 🤗

SpeedbirdFoxtrot · 18/02/2019 11:13

Ugh. I hate the phrase "lad banter." It appears to be a weak-willed get out clause for men who have perpetual Peter Pan syndrome. And those who want to be able to have a laugh at someone else's expense without being called out on their vile behaviour.

I'd expect my DP to have my back with this one. I'm sorry to say this, but unless he's made a real effort to defend you I would assume he lets his friends' juvenile behaviour supersede your feelings. If he joins in, I would see that as a sign you're better off without him.

I agree with the PP who said you may be looking at a lifetime of "It's lads being lads" here. I'd never let my DP become the subject of a vicious WhatsApp group. That's awful.

Bobbycat121 · 18/02/2019 11:16

Im not saying its ok, I was responding to the pp who said its an average size. Average doesnt mean its not overweight. And op must have been bigger as she said shes on slimming world and is now a 14/16. Its very common to pick on peoples weight.

Angeladelight · 18/02/2019 11:16

I dated a guy who had friends like this and I was a size 14 at the time. Soon enough he broke up with me and it transpired that his friends had gotten to him enough that he didn’t want to be with a fat girl anymore. It’s vile behaviour, and tbh nothing to do with them as they’re not the person dating someone who is a size 14! Completely unnecessary. If they want to banter with each other that’s fine, but bringing girlfriends and wives into it isn’t okay. I’d be leaving.

MotherofTerriers · 18/02/2019 11:17

If your DP respected you he would stop this. Turn it round, if you had friends who messaged like this about him, would you expect him to put up with it and socialise with them?
You deserve better than this OP, I'd stop TTC until he grows a backbone and sticks up for you

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2019 11:18

He can't control what they say but he can control whether he wants to carry on being friends with them.

Don't marry him

Yougotdis · 18/02/2019 11:18

Tell him it stops today or your over. He either tells his mates to shut up or fuck off or you’ll be gone. You deserve better.

importantkath · 18/02/2019 11:19

That is completely unacceptable.

I have to be honest, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't tell anyone such comments about me are unacceptable, whether it was family or friends. Utterly vile comments and equally horrid that he hasn't firmly told them he will not tolerate such disrespect towards you.

I am so sorry OP. In your shoes I wouldn't want to see them either and I would be questioning if he is serious about you.

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/02/2019 11:19

OP my husband would be absolutely furious with anyone who said anything like that about me. You do not deserve this. You deserve someone who would stand up for you and be disgusted by their comments. They're saying it because he lets them.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 11:19

Why the fuck are men so shit at calling out, properly calling out, this kind of behaviour from their mates?

Well that's the point, so many men aren't and will call it out immediately.

The OP has landed herself a dud.

Springwalk · 18/02/2019 11:20

It’s a dealbreaker op.
He dumps his friends for good, or it is over. He shouldn’t want to be friends with people like this.

A size 14/16 hardly warrants a whale comment.

mkmo · 18/02/2019 11:20

Outrageous behaviour that feels like playground bullying. How has this behaviour even come about in the first place? I know my partner would be outraged if anyone said that about me and you deserve the same. Your DP deserves new friends and you don't deserve to be dragged into that circle.

These people are toxic and make you feel bad. Your DP is going to have to understand this.

From now on I recommend living your life on your rules. You may inform your DP that you are not going to hang out with his friends again and don't want them around your house and that perfectly within your right. If he doesn't like that what is he going to do? Break up with you? I doubt it and it would be his loss.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 11:21

A size 14/16 hardly warrants a whale comment.

No size warrants that sort of comment.

The OP's clothes size is completely irrelevant

westendshits · 18/02/2019 11:21

What dicks, it would be ultimatum time if it were me!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 18/02/2019 11:22

Sick, absolutely sick. Who does that in their late twenties?? I had similar, a partners best friend couldn't understand why he dated anyone over a size 10 (and I'm an 18) and was very vocal about it.

GabriellaMontez · 18/02/2019 11:22

Imo he is weak. He should leave the group.

You look after each other.

Or you leave him.

There will be times in future when you need him to fight your corner and know that he totally has your back. He doesn't sound grown up enough to do that.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2019 11:22

Your partner sounds like a real Prince among Men - Not! He is weak and does not respect you enough to tell his 'mates' to stop being dicks. I would not put up with this if it was me, no way - bin him

Emeraldshamrock · 18/02/2019 11:23

Your OP is really sad, they're a pack of bullies, I can't believe after you confronted them, you would think they would be mortified, they obviously have tiny brain's, if I knew them I would slap them for you OP.
Your DP should dump these twats, YANBU. I would be very annoyed with him and them, they're really horrible people.

Shefliesonherownwings · 18/02/2019 11:23

How awful OP. I can't imagine my DH having friends that would joke about me like that and if they did, he would immediately shut it down. I think the issue is he isn't doing enough to stop this, which shows he isn't taking your feelings seriously enough. How would he feel if your friends were laughing about him behind his back and you weren't doing much to stop it?

I would have a really serious conversation with him about how this is really unacceptable and either he has to tell them to stop it once and for all and apologise to you or you'll have to consider where your relationship is going. If nothing changed, i'd be out.

Levithecat · 18/02/2019 11:23

Your size is irrelevant. Objectifying you, commenting on your appearance... disgraceful bullying behaviour meant to demean you. Your DH should be ashamed. I hope you can dig deep and muster enough self esteem to leave. Looks like everyone here is behind you X

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 11:24

I'd agree, you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. You shouldn't have to tell him to put a stop to this, and he can put a stop to it if he chooses. He's simply choosing not to. He's giving it lip service.

Personally if my husband continued to be friends with people who insulted me to this level I'd end it.

I have no clue what sort of man lets people he calls friends insult someone repeatedly he is supposed to love and care for. But I do know it's a deeply unpleasant one.

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