To be upset over DP's friends comments.

[GracieEllis19]

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

Oh my god, that's just awful.

They are awful, awful people. No wonder you don't want to socialise with them, I wouldn't socialise with anyone who see me as the butt of their jokes either.

Why isn't your partner more upset about this? If he loves you, surely he wouldn't stand for anyone calling you such names and want nothing to do with these men? The fact he doesn't really seem to care and sees these messages regularly, now knowing how much it hurts you speaks volumes that he doesn't really value you.

I can't believe your "DP" actually asked you to check his phone for him, knowing these asshat friends of his had made lots of horrible comments about you that you could easily see! Did he want you to see that, what would he want to gain from that?

This crossed my mind too. He might just be a bit thick/have a short memory, but I can't help wondering if on some level he DID want you to keep seeing the messages.

Anyway, his friends are cunts (are they actually all about 13?) and he is worse for not standing up for you properly. I'd tell him he sticks up for you or you're out of there.

And have they got nothing better to talk about?

The issues I see here are

Firstly what the ‘friends’ are saying is disrespectful to you and OH. Why on earth do they think it’s acceptable to make personal comments about you to OH. Its disgusting and shows how much they think of OH too.

Next OH’s response to the comments, he may have backed you up somewhat but not nearly enough if they are carrying on and inaction speaks just as loudly as actions.

Also why are you putting up with this? They are all awful people and by you staying with OH while this is still happening is you accepting the situation.

On a personal note, I have been morbidly obese. I would have never put up with this situation and there is no way my OH would have stood for any of these personal remarks. Any comments always came from a genuine place of concern for my health and have been supportive.

Now I’ve lost the weight I’m still surrounded by the same people who have always loved me for me and I have nothing but encouragement. I lost the weight for me, not for anyone else.

You really need to stand up for yourself, you are worth more than this and if OH thought so he wouldn’t be allowing this to continue. You can lose the weight but what next? You’re hair’s not good enough, the way you dress, your personality?

You are good enough exactly the way you are and any changes you make should be for yourself. If people say otherwise you should be telling them to fuck right off. Be confident in who you are.

What a pathetic bunch of children, I'm so sorry you had to read those messages OP.

He is being pathetic too, and needs to take a firm look at who he is letting in his life.

I would encourage you to be firm with him, and let him know those comments and their willingness to say such awful things about someones partner says an awful lot about them, and are these really people he wants to prioritise in his life? I wouldn't put up with my friends being so rude and hurtful about my DP and neither should yours! You deserve respect, and if they're not giving it to you they're not respecting your DP either.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, but I would absolutely let him know that this is unacceptable and if these are the friends he wants then he can be single, because he should remove himself from the group and show you that you're a priority.

Big hugs xxxxxx

Why would you put up with this? Seriously, it’s an actual question.

It’s entirely unacceptable and he’s colluding with them.

My husband would never allow someone to talk about me like that. He’d certainly not continue to be part of a friendship group who were so utterly devoid of any common decency.

And I met him when he was a 23 yo gym goer with a ripped body and I was a 26yo size 20. He’d not have put up with it then and certainly wouldn’t now.

"You have a DP problem. Even if youve slimmed down to a size 4 - they will always make fun of 'that whale' or 'remember she used to be that fat bird' - because they are bullies."

This - every time you're out it'll be "don't have too many of those food/drink, careful now you don't slip back into being a porker again!" and the banter will be how he "needs to keep you under control so you don't fatten up again".

Just think how you and he would react if you had friends you saw all the time that he saw with you and they sent you non-stop messages about your "scrawny" or "tedious" boyfriend, I bet you wouldn't say "oh its just banter".

I really can't get over he showed you a message he sent asking them to stop earlier on in the week to when you saw the messages. So they were just running you down permanently, non stop.

And these 'men' are 29? And this is how they spend the majority of their time, berating you about your size to one another and making fun of you.And your DP still wishes to see them and hang out with them?

I can't get over it.

Just to say, don't think of getting rid of him as them winning. No, it'll be you winning because you've cut all of these people out. Honestly, sticking around to be with someone who won't defend you and whose friends think like that about you will only harm you, not them.

This is a toxic situation for you. You must have self esteem issues to believe any of this is OK and he's worth marrying.

How shallow has this world got, that friends are allowed to be disrespectful about someone's partner's appearance? I'd never dream of making comments, disparaging or otherwise, about someone's body or face. Who died and put them in charge of aesthetics and beauty?

I'd dump him if it had happened to me. He's a spineless worm.

Yes indeed, imagine group chat in which your friends collectively made jibes about your partner, saying he was creepy, boring, ugly, wore shit clothes...whatever.

Would he be saying ‘that’s fine, they don’t mean anything by it, it’s just a joke.’
Would he fuck!

Would he be saying ‘that’s fine, they don’t mean anything by it, it’s just a joke.’
Would he fuck!

totally agree

I would end the relationship, frankly. He meekly asks them to stop making the comments but they haven't - and they won't. He doesn't have your back and he is more concerned with his vile, cuntish friends liking him than being respectful and loving towards you. He's utterly spineless and it won't get better.

The phrase "Tell me your company and I'll tell you what you are" comes to mind.

It absolutely sucks when outside influencers shit on a relationship. Your DP's friends are trying to ruin your relationship and chances are, they will win. Why? Because your DP is not circling the wagons and protecting you.
This really is an 'us or them' scenario. Your DP cannot have it both ways. I can't believe that 'lads' banter' isn't enough for him to see that it is imperative that he part company with this crowd. They're total foes!

My first husband was like this. He ran with what I consider to be homewreckers for friends. At every opportunity he was told why settling down into a boring marriage was just the pits (and then we had the audacity to add more 'boring' on top by- gasp, shudder- having a child!). I was made out to be some imprisoner of his happiness, a 'man ensnarer', trapping him into 'family life'. He was only 31, how dare I expect responsibility! I was a 'ball and chain', a 'bitch' because, surprisingly, I wasn't happy that he wasn't coming home until 4am, then not at all, while I was up and down with our baby all night. I remember the comment "Same shit, different day" above all, for some reason. It sounds so benign but for some reason, when I read this comment on his phone, equating his life with me, reducing it to "same shit, different day," for some reason, this one cut like a knife. It wasn't the worst comment. But it felt the strongest. The harshest.

I digress.

My point is, friends like this are no friends at all. Yet, they have such a strong hold. If your DP is showing ANY support for them at all, this really is not good. And you're heartbroken because you're wise enough to know that this force is a malevolent one and one which is strong enough to break your relationship. I feel angry on your behalf, angry that such trivial, petty, shitty comments are stronger than your love. I am over-using the word 'strong'. Sorry.

I don't know. It's easy for me to say 'leave! Move on!' But in practice, that is so hard. You love him. He loves you. But he doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you. And I am afraid that if this doesn't change, your relationship will flounder.

He must change his ways, change his heart, get some pride and absolutely kick these 'mates' to the kerb. Horrible! Why on earth would he want these enemies at your wedding? Totally beats me why these guys are still in his life!

This man is not right for you, OP.

It’s doubtful whether he’d be right for anyone, but anyone is not your problem.

Don't lose weight for them, OP. Even at size 10 there will be something else to put you down (and big themselves up!) - hair colour, voice, dress, eyebrows; people like that will home in on anything to make themselves feel better and you worse. Because they hate women. And men too, really. Anyone who is not them is fair game to bring down.

And if your DP is not part of the solution, he's part of the problem. He needs to see this.

Your bloke doesn't adore you. He's allowing himself to be bullied by these people targeting you. I'd go fucking nuts if someone criticised my bloke and I'm pretty sure my husband would be the same.

Don't have a baby with this person and tell him to sling his hook if he's going to carry on socialising with these people.

Actual bare minimum - he leaves the group chat.
Reasonable response - he dumps his friends who are childish & vindictive and don't respect him or you.
If he won't consider this then he's choosing them over you and there is only one way that is going to end, especially if you are considering having children with this man.

TheVanguardSix So annoying when men behave that way and make out that women are the bringers of unhappiness by trapping them into marriage/children, like they had no part what so ever in that coming about? It's pretty shitty and actually fraudulent to act like you've been "trapped" by your wife when in reality they were all up for it until it got a bit mundane.

So was this the reason he's now your ex if you don't mind me asking?

I can’t take in that these men have nothing to talk about other than you; you and your weight are the constant topic of their group chats which your DP is participating in? Bizarre. Even the most socially unaware and insensitive of men I know would draw the line at discussing the appearance of a mate’s partner right in front of him even if claiming they were joking.

And your DP, he must not only be weak but a bit dim too. The least he could do, if he’s not prepared to dump these ‘friends’, would be to make sure he hides or deletes the group chats where you are being ‘bantered’ about if he’s going to keep asking you to look at his phone where you can accidentally stumble across what they’re saying.

I don't normally advocate the them or me ultimatum. But in this case I would. You're TTC and getting married to someone who isn't willing to stick up for you other than a stop it. Then moaning because you won't socialize with them.

I wonder if you ever heard the saying, "Man's rejection is God's protection"?

This is one very, very small test for your bf and he is showing you all of his red flags. Please think long term about this. If you had a child with special needs, would he let others bully him/her and keep subjecting that child to be around those people? That's abuse. Don't let him emotionally abuse you.

Weight comes and weight goes, you could get a surgery one day and who knows what you'd look like, but character is forever. Cut your losses and consider yourself blessed that you found out now and can move on with relatively little carnage.

Will it still be bants when they are laughing at your young daughter's weight, your son's masculinity, your child's skin issues, etc?

Fuck that. If he won't defend his family now, he will be fuck all use protecting his children either. I would not have kids with a man who wouldn't fight for his family.

I’d be telling them exactly what immature, disgusting wankers they are and that they are no longer welcome in my home. And I’d be telling DP the same.

He should be calling them out each and every time they make comments like that. At the very fucking least.

God help their partners should they put weight on.

Honestly? I'd dump your boyfriend, lose the weight and flaunt your new size in front of him and his loser mates.

Then find a nice new fella.

I agree with this ⬆️ It's his last chance to choose you over them, the fact they haven't stopped after you told them you knew and were upset, you'd think they may realise then it wasn't banter but they've carried on. Think forward, these idiots will be presumably invited to your wedding/babies christening/parties and you'll never be free of them.

Your dp does not have your back, he values his friend over you, and expects you to go out with them after they disrespected you and were nasty. That would be a dealbreaker for me, and I could not be doing with that. He is weakly telling them to stop it, it is half arsed and only did it because you told him. Wonder what he really thinks about you, wonder if he agrees with his friends which he clearly respects so much.