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Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 18/02/2019 10:55

Made no sense.
I’d end the relationship.

OfficeSlave · 18/02/2019 10:56

He IS weak, you are right. I know you say you have a lovely relationship but i can't say i would stay with someone that would tolerate that from mates at all, let alone for probably a very long time.

Its not lad banter, its disgusting bullshit. Childish, schoolchild bullshit. They are not 6 years old.

If he can't fathom why on earth you feel uncomfortable he needs SERIOUS help. Especially if you have explained why and how bad it has upset you (you shouldn't need to explain btw) diminishing how YOU feel about it, i am sorry, another sign of a weak man.

I always believe you should judge someone by the company they keep, too. Why does he want to be friends with people who dont listen to HIM? Maybe he remains friends again because he is weak in his principles and morals.

championquartz · 18/02/2019 10:56

They're awful. Sorry OP, your DP isn't much better.

LikeARedBalloon · 18/02/2019 10:58

You have a DP problem....yes his friends are arses but, if he had properly told them they were out of line, they would have stopped. And if they hadn't he would have broken the friendship ages ago. He is not sticking up for you. My DH would absolutely not stand for anyone talking about me like that, especially behind my back. What wimps they must be.
Don't marry him. You don't need to spend your life with someone who thinks so little of you that he will allow his friends to treat you like shit.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 10:59

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me

Errr no he doesn't Hmm

It's rare I'd say this to anyone about their partner, but he sounds like a spineless, nasty little bastard.

Why the hell do you want to create and raise a child with someone like that?

He's not the man for you.

eternalopt · 18/02/2019 10:59

Jesus. Shallow judgmental idiots. I'm so sorry you had to see that - must have been so upsetting. These stick thin girlfriends of theirs may not stay that way forever and at least you have the smug satisfaction of knowing their relationships are based on the fragile assumption that they'll always be skinny! Your boyfriend loves you the way you are now. Having said that, if he does love you, he does need to have your back more fiercely than he does now. And no - don't pay for them to be at your wedding. Or if they do have to be there, serve them salad and water whilst everyone else ticks into a tasty meal, telling them you know how concerned they are about their waistline 😂. Arseholes.

DoJo · 18/02/2019 10:59

So they make cruel comments about you, he either says nothing or defends you so weakly that they know there's no need to modify their behaviour and when you find out he is annoyed that you don't want to spend your time with them.

He sounds like a twat - he can't have it both ways: either he tells them that it is unacceptable to speak about you like that or he is part of the problem. Unfortunately, he has shown that he falls very much into the latter camp.

Missingstreetlife · 18/02/2019 11:01

Nah, nasty sexist gits. I bet they are all oil paintings, not

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 18/02/2019 11:01

Hey bobby being overweight doesn't mean it's ok to act like cunts. Banter? No.

OP why hasn't boyfriend left the group chat?

This doesn't bode well for the future. He thinks more of saving face with his mates than he does your feelings.

BadBear · 18/02/2019 11:02

Quite frankly, no your DP cannot control what they see but he can control his reaction to it and his actions moving forward.

Yes it can be difficult to cut ties people who you have been there all your life but he is not 15 anymore and you are an important part of his life. You are trying to build a family and you want someone next to you who will stick up for you and be on your side. 'Lad banter' or not this behaviour is disrespectful and hurtful. You deserve a partner who will not allow this to happen, the same way you wouldn't allow it.

The fact that he is upset that you won't socialise with them.... Good gracious! It shows a lot about who's more important to him.

Bobbycat121 · 18/02/2019 11:03

I never said it was, like I said im overweight myself. People target overweight
people.

OfficeSlave · 18/02/2019 11:04

Yeah also, please, please put a stop on the TTC. You'd be letting yourself in for a world of hurt with an insensitive partner who disregards your feelings.

Do you want this lingering over your head whilst you get pregnant, get bigger, have a baby, possibly gain and retain weight. All whilst thinking 'what are they saying about me now? What is he letting them say about me now?' save yourself. Address the issue. Take no pathetic excuses from him or them. They will NEVER change., you can bet on it. Will he?

CalmdownJanet · 18/02/2019 11:04

Look its this simple, your if they are doing this to you with your oh then I guarantee your oh is doing this with then about other people, they are all clearly the same of he wouldn't be friends with them.

They are a shower of twats, your oh included, sack him and then rest of them off. DO NOT marry this man unless you want a lifetime of "ah that's just the lads" and being second best to a bunch of twats

ChuckleBuckles · 18/02/2019 11:05

Op first of all you need to know this is not about you or what size you are. This is 100% about your "D"P being a weak person who will not stand up for you, think about how that looks going into the future?

None of us knows what's around the corner in life, people young and old have all types of accidents or illnesses that change their bodies, how they move, how they function, how capable they are. Is this man really the one you would want by your side if the worst happened?

He would rather these shitty mates make comments about you in the name of "banter" and for you to tolerate being in their company knowing what they have said, rather than stand up to them and defend the woman he wants a life and family with.

You deserve so much better than this.

CalmdownJanet · 18/02/2019 11:05

Oh and no he does NOT adore you, he doesn't even care enough to about you to stand up for you and ditch his wanker friends ffs

southnownorth · 18/02/2019 11:06

I would seriously think about ending the relationship. I would not want to be with someone who associates with people like that.

OP I bet you are lovely, as a larger lady myself I would love to get down to a 14-16.

Fabaunt · 18/02/2019 11:06

OP, I felt so sad for you reading that.
Look, at size 14/16, it is overweight and people are nasty assholes and you can’t control that. So to be honest, what they’re saying about you is irrelevant, their shitty uneducated opinion of you is none of your business, it isn’t even worth your headspace. I know I’d rather be slightly overweight than a bully.

However, your problem is your partner. I wouldn’t even call him DP. He doesn’t have your back. He isn’t looking out for you. He isn’t defending you. And the fact he wants you to put his wants before your own mental well-being by laughing off their vile comments so you can socialize with them? No way.

He needs to make a choice. It’s either you, or it’s them. He can’t have both. You’re way too good to be treated badly.

HulksPurplePanties · 18/02/2019 11:06

I wouldn't even have to ask my DH to drop his friends if they said stuff like that, he'd have done it before I even found out. There's not excuse for that OP, and don't fall for the "lads banter" bullshit. WTF is wrong with your DP that he would even want to be friends with people like that?

IDoN0tCare · 18/02/2019 11:07

He cares about his friends, more than he cares about you, OP. He has it arse about face and you deserve better. My mild mannered husband would have been furious if anyone made a joke at my expense. I was the same regarding him. Don’t have a child with this patehetic excuse of a partner.

Birdie6 · 18/02/2019 11:08

Your DP is more interested in keeping his childish friends happy, than sticking up for you. I'm sending you a big hug xx

I'm a size 20 and my DH would immediately stick up for me if anyone - friend or not - said anything negative about me. When your DP says they are "just joking" he is putting them before you. I'd leave him and find someone who deserves you.

LuckyLou7 · 18/02/2019 11:08

Dump him and run for the hills. Find a man who loves and cherishes you for who you are. Your boyfriend is weak-willed and unkind, by staying friends with the group of hideous men.

goingonabearhunt1 · 18/02/2019 11:10

They sound like a bunch of teenagers. Pathetic.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/02/2019 11:10

My idiot son said something disparaging about his best friend’s girlfriend when he was drunk (to be fair it was more about disliking her as a person than her looks). Best friend had lost a lot of weight and dickhead DS said, “Great you can upgrade your girlfriend now mate.”

It took a lot of grovelling from DS to get his friend back and I’m pretty sure he’s learned a massive lesson from it.

DS’s mate wasn’t even that serious with this girl; she is an ex now. I think you deserve at least that level of loyalty DS’s mate showed, OP.

strawberrysweets · 18/02/2019 11:11

Wankers. All of them, including your DP.

Ragnarthe · 18/02/2019 11:12

So sorry OP, that's so nasty.
Honestly, I can't believe he would be friends with people saying that stuff about you.
I couldn't be friends with people who said stuff like that about my partner.
For you Flowers

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