To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

Does your town have a community shop? Ours helps all of the community from courses to volunteering, day trips group activities etc.

Through ours I joined a course then an off shoot of that is a craft group and we regularly meet up and now count a couple of them as real friends.

What? I only joined last week

I really don’t know what’s going on here

Palm we are rubbing each other up the wrong way, might be best to just agree to disagree here.

Start volunteering! There are loads of places that need help - many of these are outside working hours. You don’t even have to know anything about the organisation you volunteer with or it’s work, you’ll learn on the job or will receive training. Stretch yourself, learn new skills while making friendships! I volunteer with two charities and never ever dreamt that I’d be a coach in these sports, which I am! I’ve gained confidence, friendships and skills!

I thought it was that poster, too. The one I’m thinking of doesn’t have a dp/dh.

OP, you say you have uni friends but they have kids now. Why does that stop you being friends??

twopizzaseverytuesday well I was being nice and repeatedly said yes, it is hard to make friends as an adult - plus it is a numbers game and requires effort

Not sure what your problem is TBH, but it you're defeatist and spiky in real life that probably won't help find friends.

You haven;t said what you have actually done to try and make friends? You don't want to go to any hobby groups. You don't want to reconnect with old friends. Your work is a bad environment.

Where do you think you are going to make friends if you close off all avenues of life?

What about your DH? Does he have a nice friendship group you can be more involved with?

Can DH go with you to a hobby group if you're too anxious to go on your own?

I have no idea what poster you mean.

Well, firstly because they have kids they don’t come to me, I go to them. I can’t always do this. Some of them live a long way away and it’s expensive.

Plus, their weekends are family time.

And when you do see them it is difficult to have a conversation with toddlers interrupting.

And when you do see them without kids, the conversations still focus on Harry’s potty training, Eleanor’s starting school, Alex is jealous of his new baby sister, Isabel has started gymnastics, Ethan may need to go to a new nursery.

It just gets to the stage where your worlds don’t meet. Plus I freely admit I’ve very little to talk about

Would you consider taking a completely new approach? Instead of looking for friends and being disappointed every time you do an activity and come home without one, how about thinking what can you do for others and what activity could you do to make you happy? That way even If no friendships are created you have the satisfaction of having given something back or having spent sometime doing something you really enjoyed.
I made good friends volunteering at Samaritans, helping out at guides, and in my early years in the royal navy reservists. Those type of commitments require regular attendance so you see the same people all the time and bond.
Purely for fun type activities I have loved were sailing (people are always looking for new crew members) and riding.
If you are a teacher/NHS/civil servant have a look at the CSSC website, it's a fab social organisation and it's only about £3 a month.
Good luck!

I have tried meet-up, volunteering ... looked at groups that I can’t go to and the ones I can go to don’t tend to have the same people turning up.

But does this matter for a while? It means you’re out socialising, you might just need to meet one person, one time, and realise you get on. So be brave and swap numbers, ask if they’d like to arrange to go to another meet up together.

I’ve twice moved to cities where I knew no one. Both times I’ve built a life, it takes a fair bit of work and persistence, and I’ve definitely felt low about it before, but you just have to dust yourself off and go again.

I met 2 of my closest friends here through meetup, but not at a meeting! I went to a dinner and drinks meetup, clicked with a girl of a similar age and situation, and by the end of the night we’d added each other on FB. She then messaged me the next day asking if I’d like to go for a night out with her and a few other girls she’d met through various groups. I went and had a great time! Got on well with a few others, one mentioned she wanted to start a gym class so I invited her to go to mine with me. We do that 3 times a week together. Another friend I met that night lived near by, and we just started having dinner together every now and again, watching films etc. The girl who bought us together actually moved cities again - so sadly isn’t still a local friend - but I’m so glad I met her through meetup.
You don’t have to keep going forever.

Palm, you aren’t reading my posts at all. I don’t have a DH, or DP. I am very single.

I’m not remotely anxious. As you can see I have done voluntary work, tried meet-up etc.

Unfortunately the problem with online interaction can be this. I’m not remotely spiky as a rule but I felt like me politely and nicely explaining why some things can’t be done / can’t work got some quite bossy responses that (I’m sure this wasn’t the intention) came across as ordering me around a bit.

Life is a bit shit and I’m trying to learn to accept this, to a point. Hard though

Oh I do serin, it’s just that ultimately there’s a point when you realise it’s not enjoyable or pleasurable you see.

Hmm. I don’t know, I mean of course it’s hard to talk with toddlers sometimes, and of course they’ll talk about their dc but is that worse than having no friends at all?

Plus you say you’ll admit you’ve nothing to talk about? No books/movies/music?

You do sound very similar to another poster who pops up every once in a while.

And I will say this: you are the only one who can change this. I mean, you can keep being negative or you can suck up the baby talk and try to interject it with other stuff. You can phone instead of meeting face to face which is better than nothing!

And have you asked them to do something that’s adult only? Maybe they’d enjoy the break from family stuff?

Also, I know you got defensive about your job but if it’s that bad there it might be worth looking elsewhere for a friendlier environment.

Are there any book clubs locally? Evening art classes? Something that encourages discussion and could result in genuine friendship?

Sorry to hear that. I put a lot of effort into my friendships because I don’t really have family beyond dh and DCs. I have kept about half a dozen good friends from childhood/teen years and others come and go a bit more due to circumstance etc.
Don’t have a child to make friends though, when my DD was a baby it was prob the loneliest time of my life!!! I did make a few new mum friends through NCT meetings but some moved away and I didn’t have great luck at playgroups, was just how it was. Improved when DS came along just cos I think by then i had got used to motherhood possibly and there were some friendlier faces about.
When they start school - if you do the school run it changes again and I made some nice friends that way - it’s a bit circumstantial though again (a bit like when you leave a job you lose touch).

OP this topic is a nightmare to ask for help about, I've been there. Some people simply don't get that we don't all live in an area with an amazing plethora of different groups to join or fabulous places to volunteer. Some people don't get that we aren't all Charismatic Carols who can approach strangers in a shop or pub and strike up a conversation without coming across as weirdos.

It's your fault, you're negative, you won't listen to my advice, you aren't trying hard enough, you aren't open enough, you don't want it enough.

Then people dont bother to RTFT and post things that have already been suggested and you have explained don't work for you.

OP don't take the negativity comments personally, stating a fact like that the only knitting club is during the week isn't being negative, it's just a fact

Try borrow my doggy. I meet loads of people walking my parents dogs.

Online dating. Bumble is less brutal than Tinder.

Go to the same gym class every week. You soon get chatting to people especially if the class is hard.

Join a pottery class; I've found it easier to make friends doing that than other classes.

My friend joined a cycling group and met loads of hot men 😂😂

Ok, I think I’d better leave it there as I only joined last week, I’m not the “other poster” and I’m a bit sick of it now.

When visiting them once every 3 months (because they are so busy) costs you £100 at a time yes, it probably is worse. It also makes me realise what a loser I am

Evening courses are a good way to meet people. In fact any type of studying is. You see each other regularly and IME people often meet outside of the class to have a chat/ practice together.

Thanks snuggy, I do really appreciate that

You do sound rather negative OP. Very defeatist. What were you hoping to hear in response to your post?

I have children and my BF has children but they’re different ages and we rarely talk about them when we meet up! We want to talk about other stuff.

Volunteering didn’t work for you. Why? Was it too busy to give you a chance to make friends or was it the wrong demographic group of people that were volunteering along side you?

You need to push yourself outside your comfort zone. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for years and my comfort zone is difficult to leave but I set myself goals and regularly surprise myself! Regardless of your MH, etc, it is important to take leaps of faith otherwise you get stuck in a rut.

Nobody can do it for you OP, you have to be brave and do something about your situation and smile as you’re doing it!

It’s easier said than done but just start talking to people. I exchanged numbers with a lady who worked in McDonald’s!

Borrow my doggy is a great idea.

Yes, dog walking is another good idea. Do you like dogs OP? Most dog walkers are friendly and glad to have a walking buddy. It’s easy to invite them over for a coffee afterwards too.

Also have you joined your Facebook local sites? I often see requests to start a book club.

I don't understand your friends with kids comments. Can't you go over when the kids are in bed and share a bottle? I never spoke about my kids as I found it boring and would have loved a friend to come over and drink wine.

I think you need to online date. Then at least you'll have some funny stories to tell your friends with kids. Good luck.

Do none of the suggestions work for you at all?

TwoPizzas, your reply to Serin really makes it clear that you are low/depressed. Here are some things that have worked for me in that state: (1) Vitamin D (2) No alcohol (3) Regular exercise (4) Spend time outdoors (5) Reduce sugar (6) No chocolate (7) Exactly 1 coffee (8) 8 hours sleep.

I thought Serin's post was good: stop worrying about friends and just concentrate on an interesting/rewarding activity. It's good advice, friends will come naturally.

Hi op, I just had to jump in cos I think you're getting a hard time here and I'm not sure why.
It sounds like you've tried most of the things people are suggesting with no luck. I don't find you spiky or negative but sometimes on Mumsnet it can get a bit tense if posters don't accept all advice with open arms.
I can imagine being in your position tbh, I find it tricky to make new friends, and think I have what you call 'resting bitch face'? I am lucky enough to have kept friends's from different groups over the years and I get enough social interaction to suit me, but I totally get where you're coming from. No advice other than what's already been said, but just wanted to commiserate and say that I hope something changes for you soon.