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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no friends

395 replies

twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 07:07

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

OP posts:
QuaterMiss · 18/02/2019 08:23

Where to start?

What is your work? (You can surely indicate this without being outed!)

Is there a qualification that you could use to progress?

Or do you feel you might like to try a new area of work? How might you investigate that?

I'm sure if you said roughly where you are in the country and how you might like to progress 'professionally' someone could suggest the right place to start.

I know it's hard if one feels overwhelmed with uselessness - but it need only take a tiny action to make the beginning of a difference

CocoLoco87 · 18/02/2019 08:24

If you have friends with small children that you feel have drifted away, get them back! They'd probably love to hear from you. Just because your lives are a bit different at the moment doesn't mean you don't stay in touch. I've got friends with and without DC and we still enjoy each other's company, even if our DC are being a bit riotus in the background. Bring them back into your inner circle Smile

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 08:25

I work in education. I am as qualified as I need to be.

I am in east anglia.

With respect I am not sure why I am being given career advice and I hope that comes across as nicely as I ‘said’ it but it’s really barking up the wrong tree.

OP posts:
Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 08:25

I don’t think so coco

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 08:25

But it isn’t an excuse. It’s just a fact that there is nothing for me.

Nah, not buying it.

Maybe you need to travel a little bit further to your nearest big town - google "meetups + [town name]" and I bet some groups come up.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/02/2019 08:27

But what's the fucking point of travelling elsewhere if the people you meet are too far away to hang out with? It's well known that proximity is a key factor when making new friends

Tixywixy · 18/02/2019 08:30

Not all counselling is the same. Did you see a relational counsellor or CBT? Did you see someone who sees change as a fundamental goal? Did you not engage with the process as counselling is something that involves two people working hard?

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 08:30

Meet-up is well and good but very transitory. You don’t tend to find the same people going to the same groups.

Palm, I think you’re trying to be helpful in a tough love kind of way, can I just tell you nicely that you’re not helping. I’m happy to hear suggestions but the inference that this is all my fault is quite upsetting tbh.

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 08:30

East Anglia?

Near Norwich?
www.meetup.com/cities/gb/i9/norwich/

Near B St E?
www.meetup.com/cities/gb/n5/bury_st_edmunds/

Go try a group. You might like it.

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 08:31

I tried with four different counsellors.
It isn’t for me. I am sure it was all my fault, everything else apparently is Hmm

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 08:34

You don’t tend to find the same people going to the same groups.

I found some of the same people going to the two groups that I joined

I also found a Saturday cycling group that I have made some genuine friends from as the same core people went most weeks

I’m happy to hear suggestions but the inference that this is all my fault is quite upsetting tbh.

It isn't your fault not to have any friends.

But you aren going to bloody make any if you sit at home on your own are you?

Everyone has said it is hard finding friends as an adult. You have to put yourself out there in as many situations as possible and play the numbers game until you hit the jackpot.

The more you do, the more you can talk about with acquaintances as well.

bluetheskyis · 18/02/2019 08:34

Sorry OP but you’re being overwhelming negative! I have many MANY single, childless and working friends who have social activities and hobbies that fit around work - you have entire weekends for hobbies. Most parents I know work, so their socialising/hobbies have to fit in around work and kids - going to yoga at 9pm weekdays for example or getting up at 6am to exercise/cycle/run etc. So that they’re around later for the kids/kids hobbies. Many parents I know go out on their own with friends for a drink becuase it’s easier and cheaper than sorting a baby sitter.
It’s all in your attitude, if you want to make friends STOP making excuses. Create a Meet Up group for people like you to socialise. A mate of mine moved to a new city and did this - used meet-up.com to get together single, non parents like her to socialise and it became huge! They went to the cinema, met for drinks, went walking, to art exhibitions, etc. She made a core of decent friends from it and always had someone ready to go to the gig with or whatever.

RhubarbTea · 18/02/2019 08:34

I go to a meetup in the next town because they have stuff on I want to do on an evening I have free. I have made a few friends through that although it took about a year to feel sure they were friends. I can't recommend meetup enough. I don't know what bit of east anglia you are in but I am in the south west of the UK in the sticks, and still find stuff to do. In fact I don't have enough free time, energy or money so if you have more of those you are better placed than me!

What kind of things do you enjoy doing for fun, OP? And I mean anything, including watching TV, craft, board games, walking, sports etc etc. You wILL find a meetup for whatever you like and if there isn't one near enough, just start one and people will come. Then you have to be patient and wait for 'your' people to show up to said meetup.

And nurture your friends with kids, I know their hands are tied but friendships are still friendships and they help keep you in the groove of socialising even if it's just via whatsapp and the occasional meet in the park while their kids run around. Don't isolate yourself.
Do you mind me asking why counselling didn't work for you? Was it the type where you talk and they listen, or more introspective psychotherapy where you go deep in to stuff? Because the former can be unhelpful if you get the wrong counsellor, and the latter can be hard work and difficult but ultimately very rewarding.
Best of luck, OP.

dieselKiller · 18/02/2019 08:36

Most people don't make friends by joining a group aimed at making friends, they do it by being part of a group that brings them in to contact with people regularly with a shared interest: work, school, hobby. That's why people are suggesting hobby groups. Then you progress to friendship by chatting to people and inviting them to do things outside of the hobby (or you can have friends you only see when doing the hobby). It's not complicated, but it does take time and effort. The key things are: you have to show up regularly, you have to be willing to talk to people, and you have to be willing to invite people to events you've organised outside the hobby. If you're doing those things, it's just time and numbers before you make friends.
Btw if you're feeling low, try taking a vitamin. And if you're feeling shy, try going to a park and talking to any dog walkers you see. They're always happy to answer questions about their dog.

CielBleuEtNuages · 18/02/2019 08:37

Yes I'm glad I met DH.

It was funny though. When I finally got up the courage to ask him out, I left a voicemail on his phone asking if he wanted to go for a quick drink early evening. My assumption being that of course he'd already have plans for that evening and I didn't want to encroach.

Turns out his plans were sitting at home watching boxsets lol.

Is there anyone at work you're friendly with (sorry if you're already answered uphtread). Took me over 5 years of being friendly with people at work before we met up at the weekend (rather than a lunch or evening drinks after work).

bluetheskyis · 18/02/2019 08:37

‘My current work is not friendly at all, you really have to watch your back‘

This is why you’re being career advice - who wants to work somewhere like this??

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/02/2019 08:37

Couch to 5k tawdry 😂😂

Thank Christ for that!

Calzone · 18/02/2019 08:40

Do you do on line dating?

Maybe look to meet a guy and get friends that way?

DailyMailFail101 · 18/02/2019 08:41

Sign up to a dog borrowing agency one where you walk dogs for the elderly or people in hospital etc. Go on the same park everyday and you will make some friends, I met some lovely people whilst walking my dog and have been for meals and around for dinner parties.

bluetheskyis · 18/02/2019 08:42

I would say creating friendships take time and effort. You can’t always expect to rock up to a group and click straight way with some e ( although it does happen). That’s why you’re being advised to go to a group or hobby that you like in itself, going regularly and doing something that interests you means that you’ll have time to create a friendship or relationship with another person. Some of the friends I have now I quite frankly never thought would be long term friends when we first met but now I can’t imagine not having them in my life - but I dont see them every day or week, some I only see every few months but they’re still friends, good ones that are there for me when I need them, and i’m Here for them.

Tixywixy · 18/02/2019 08:44

As far as I can see you're the only one talking about fault OP.Confused. But I think I recognise the posting style. You've posted before about this, haven't you OP. It really won't change unless you wish to change..I sense a lot of anger OP that comes out as PA. That's not blaming you, that's just something that's happened to you that only you can address. Or not.

DitzyPrints · 18/02/2019 08:49

Yy to blues post it really does take a while for friendships to grow and completely agree about long term friends not who you initially clicked with.
Go to the meet up groups op and keep going from that WhatsApp’s groups, coffee meet ups etc will grow I’m sure. I would urge you to reconnect with your old friends too.
Good luck op

Grace212 · 18/02/2019 08:49

I don't even know how counselling got suggested here Confused

OP, are you on Twitter? I found loads of local stuff on Twitter and it was good to talk to people on there in between doing stuff, helps cement the friendship so to speak.

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 08:50

Honestly I am not being a dick. Palm - I KNOW - sorry for shouting but you really don’t seem to be reading what I’m saying.

I have tried meet-up, volunteering ... looked at groups that I can’t go to and the ones I can go to don’t tend to have the same people turning up.

Sigh.

Maybe it is me. I’m not a negative person but I feel like I’m defending myself here.

I’ve tried with the friends with kids but it gets to a point where it isn’t enjoyable for either party.

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 08:51

But I think I recognise the posting style. You've posted before about this, haven't you OP

I thought that but usually the "I have no friends and all your suggestions are shit" poster doesn't usually have a DP/DH does she?