To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

"My current work is not friendly at all, you really have to watch your back."

oh I know that one. It's very damaging and isolating. It left a big gap in my network even after I left!

You sound nice and also fun to me. If you could change job that would sort it I think. I waited far too long, thinking I couldn't leave, etc, etc.

Well what are you interested in?
Every suggestion is being shot down here.

Do you like wooly crafts? There are loads of weekend groups around. If they are not advertised then go and hang out at the local independent wool/craft shop and chat to the owners they will be able to tell you whats on locally.

You like running, join a few message boards see if there is anyone local to you and keep looking.

Take an evening class in something you are interested in.

Join your local library and chat to people there.

Go to a cafe with a book or just be on your phone go a few times at the same time and you will start recognising people nodding hello etc maybe striking up a bit of conversation.

Join other online communities where your interests lie and then suggest a meet up

Oh pizzas
I mean this very nicely and gently, but I just spent 20mins (of my day off) draughting my above post to you, which I felt was constructive and supportive and you dismissed it in less than 3 lines.
If you are already doing activities for enjoyment sake and are finding no pleasure or fulfilment in them at all then please consider the possibility that you may have a bit of depression creeping in?
If you go to see your GP you might even be lucky enough to see an enlightened one who is on board with "wellbeing" and social prescribing.
Move your focus away from yourself and this friend pursuit to genuinely trying to help others.

It’s a shame you’re not interested in your friend’s kids too, as you say. You could invest in them a bit too - if they’re old friends be an aunt figure to the children.

It’s not that I’m not interested but they aren’t mine.

I understand, OP. I have lived in my area for 15 years and haven't made one friend - and it's not for the want of trying! People always seem to have old friends and have an almost visible "no vacancies" sign hanging round their neck.

I do have dcs, and have made mum acquaintances, but 99% of the time all you have in common is children of the same age, and if people move you don't stay in touch. And as you observe, family is priority, especially when people have young children.

I agree that a lot of activities seem to attract (quite a bit) older people. I investigated the WI and they said I was welcome to come along, but the youngest current member of the group was 80! Other bad activities are ones where you pluck up courage to go along and people are there with their existing friends . I am still sweating with embarrassment at the memory of the book group I went along to at the library where people kept asking me to move seat until there were no more seats and when I said that, there was glaring and huffing - and then the woman doing the coffee packed up as I approached. [Not helpful, OP, I know - but I'm still shuddering at the experience!]

I know that East Anglia can be a little challenging on the social front, as most of it is rural. But I would second giving MeetUp another go, and definitely try a sporting activity, even if you are not sporty.

Oh, something that I know does bear "friend fruit" is following a band. Especially if it is a crappy band, or a tribute band or whatever. Then it becomes a social activity rather than about the band. Someone I know goes all round Europe following random band with a group of die-hard fans.

It’s a shame you’re not interested in your friend’s kids too

Ah now. In fairness, most of us are not THAT interested in our friends kids.

I think one week means friends can bring problems. Take a look at some of the posts on mumsnet.

To be honest the vast majority of people at baby and toddler groups aren't there looking to make friends either.

Mother and baby groups are the stuff of nightmares from what I hear.

I read an article about a woman feeling similar to you and she set up a group to do random social things. eg a go to a gallery one month, a film another, a restaurant another. It was for women only, they were a mix of ages, most working and a lot of women who were divorced joined as they wanted friends who hadn't been friends with them as part of a couple. You just dipped in and out depending on whether the activity appealed or not. After a while she had made a lot of casual friends and a few close ones, as had others.

I agree no-one makes friends at the gym. I do think book clubs are great as the topic of conversation is already decided ! Both my local council library and university have free evening bookclubs.

I know you work so this maybe isn't an option for you OP, but I work at a preschool and we have a lovely lady that knocked the door one day and asked if she could volunteer with us every Wednesday morning, she has moved to the area and wants to get to know the local community. We really appreciate the extra pair of hands, the kids love her, she has had invites to the xmas work do, someone elses birthday etc, joined a netball team after speaking to one of the parents (she is 59!) so from just one little bit of effort initially, she has managed to meet so many different people. She said she just thought about what she likes/enjoys - children, and went from there.

I think volunteering an meet up aren't really the best way to make friends.

Imo the best way to make friends as an adult is to join a Club. One with Leagues and things.

Like a golf club or a badminton/tennis club.

Everyone I know who has joined either of the above seems to have some sort of social aspect. The golf club has facilities and they have dinners for prizegiviings etc. The members travel to other golf clubs for tournaments and it all becomes very familiar and Chatty. They go to the bar afterwards and have a coffee with someone they've played with before.

The badminton/tennis people seem to do loads. They see the same people every week and have Christmas parties in the clubhouse and all sorts.

But the secret seems to be lots of leagues, lots of tournaments, lots of interaction on a very regular basis with other members. Oh and having a dedicated building of their own so they can have little parties and coffee mornings for the least excuse.

I was all set to join the tennis club before I moved, I had fuck all interest in the sport but I figured badminton wouldn't be too hard. I only wanted a social life tbh. Now I've moved out the country and it's all very solitary and those places are too far away so I have to figure it out here. It's gonna be difficult I suspect.

I think there’s some luck involved in meeting people who go on to become friends sometimes. But you do have to put yourself out there.

I second looking at the WI groups within reach. They’re usually evenings and increasingly have a mix of ages. They often have book groups, supper clubs too. Ours has 2 teenagers, women in their 30s right up to 80s. It’s fun, supportive, interesting and makes a difference to women’s issues too.

Are you interested in wildlife, environment or anything like that. Local nature reserves, environmental groups often have groups of people who help to run and develop them. You can do anything from ringing and doing bird censuses to showing visitors around. I met a group of women at an evening class on bird watching 14 years ago. There weren’t enough of us for the class to run so the tutor ran it privately for us and 14 years later we are still going. We have supported each other through illness, divorce, bereavement as well as celebrating the happy times and birthdays, christmases etc. That was sheer luck that the tutor made the offer she did, someone had a room big enough to hold meetings, that we all gelled etc. But for everything you join that doesn’t lead to making friendships, there might well be one that turns into something really special. Don’t give up, don’t expect instant friendships and keep trying different groups and activities.

OP your post has reminded me of a time when, in my late twenties, I lived in a medium sized town/city in the SE (not East Anglia but quite remote).

It was AWFUL for both friends and prospective partners. Everyone seemed to have settled down already. I used to end up at dinner parties as the only lone female. I did meet a couple of female friends, but it was hard to find them and hard to keep them- and there wasn't much to do!

I vowed that if I wanted to find a partner, which I did, I couldn't stay there. I moved back to London where I knew there would be 1000's of suitable men, and 1000's of suitable friends. Not two.

It worked great, I made female friends, went out loads and dated and met my husband.

It really was an opportunity thing. I realized that the chances of finding someone in a smaller place with a really small single population was low. Friends I know did similar- moved to bigger cities and dated there, having not had a sniff of a date in 10 years in their home towns.

It may be a bit different now with Meet-up, as there's more chances to find other people who want to make friends/do hobbies.

I do think it's a numbers game though and personally I'd go where the single thirty-somethings hang out, lots of them.

There is luck. I have done several evening classes, and no one "clicked". People chatted and were friendly, but that was as far as it went.

I agree that regular contact is the way to go, as is bonding over something. Tennis and badminton clubs are good for that as then you see the same people all the time.

I'm with the op here. I've just read through all the posts and can see/feel where the op is coming from. The posters shouting and getting frustrated clearly don't get it at all. Sorry op. And as for questioning op for not enjoying being around women with their kids...i HATE hanging out with women and their children. For me the only downside of being a parent which I love. Bored the arse off me especially never being able to finish a sentence. When I go out for a coffee I over hear conversations coming from these groups and breathe a sigh of relief to be free of this boring bolloks now dd is 16 although jve always been a tomboy and dont particularly enjoy female company.

Op there is some good advice here though from some kinder posters. Have a read through and make a note of some of the nicer stuff. Lots of luck

If you want a life partner, I'd make that your priority anyway- as I said, think about if you could move to a bigger city (Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, London) or at least be in the dating zone of these big cities.

Some of the suggestions on here (WI, badminton group, cinema) sound fun- BUT only if you have a life partner and these are extras in your life. I wouldn't want to hinge my social life on the WI, sorry.

I'd join a dating agency, several dating sites etc.

I'd also keep in touch with your old friends as although they might be mired in toddlerhood right now, they will come out of that and want to go out/be with friends again. I have kept friends during those years, but I don't talk about my children that much, I have work/other interests to talk about.

Thanks. I did go to a beach clean up recently which was a worthy thing to do but everyone else was there as a couple or with their kids

@twopizzaseverytuesday
I totally understand! (please ignore the idiotic; you aren't making the effort, you are depressed, you need counselling comments... um, who the hell do they think they are!?)
I sadly don't have any advice for you, but I am in a similar situation. I have a couple of friends, none of whom live locally. I have kids and have tried to make friends, but am mega shy and need a loud character to bounce off of, and haven't found anyone like this.
There are lots of studies about social isolation and how it is becoming a bigger problem with people making friendships through social media rather than real life. So, you are definitely not alone.
Am reading this thread with interest (not the shouty comments telling you that you are depressed or you aren't listening

oh and I can't stand kiddy chat, so with you on that one!

If there aren't groups that are appropriate for you in your area why don't you start one? For example, the town that I live in has two WI groups, one is more traditional, the other isn't and was started in the last few years and 'advertised' on the local FB group.
There is also a 'Women's' shed'.

There is also a Facebook group for 'newbies' to our town and people ask for ideas about getting involved in community stuff and making friends.

So even if you don't like Facebook, you don't have to use it for anything other than local groups.

The town I live in (I moved there as an adult) is very friendly and there are always new things happening, but the main thing I have learnt that has made a difference to making friends, is being friendly. Find things that interest you and keep plugging away. If you are meeting enough people at some point you will find your people/person. Just remain open. Say 'Yes' to suggestions rather than 'No'.

Oh Irma that book club sounds like a really horrible experience

Dogs do encourage people to speak, but to make a friend you need to do more and really keep at it. A regular activity or interest group where you see the same people can be the start but you have to initiate and keep on suggesting, or inviting a person or a group, to extend the relationship. I think it can take months or longer to make an acquaintance into a friend. There is a local noticeboard site called next door. Our local one is having a meetup suggested by someone who just moved nearby. Several single or new to area people have signed up. I predict about 8 people will come, agree to meet again, there will be a few meetings and some people will make a friend.

What kind of friend do you want and for what purpose?

Someone to go out for a coffee, to a film with etc. but not necessarily a soulmate

A really close friend who will have your back and look after you when you have the flu?

A group of friendly acquaintances?

I think your work is probbaly making you feel more alone as you are not getting the friendly interaction and chat that would take care of a lot the need for social interaction that people have. I would start searching around for a new job.

You could try starting a meet up group for singles or womens only to do the activities you would like to have a friend to go along with.

Could you reconnect with some of your college friends? A few facebook posts, invite for coffee. You could offer to go to their house, if babysitting is a problem and make a fuss of the children. You already know them so there is a big comfort element and you could listen to child talk for say 10 minutes and then steer the conversation onto books, TV etc. You kinda need to woo your old friends back. An offer to babysit, help on a musuem trip of the like would really help (but keep your boundaries).

If you want to foster or adopt in the future having experience around children and friends with children to vouch for you can really help.