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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no friends

395 replies

twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 07:07

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 18/02/2019 07:30

What about meetup.com, isn’t that specifically for people i a similar situation?

funnyfacestace · 18/02/2019 07:31

Friendships are hard, I wouldn't discount the people you used to have friends with because they have kids or those from when you've moved workplace.

Friendship is a two-way street, Did you make the effort to try and maintain those friendships when your friends had kids or when you changed employment?

I really don't want to be harsh but it sounds like you've let those friends you have slip away.

Middlrm · 18/02/2019 07:32

Try and organise an after run drink .... a lot of us got friendly at my Exercise class after someone initiated that, it was only once every 3 months but I know some now are friends outside of the class and do other shared interests together now x x

SnuggyBuggy · 18/02/2019 07:33

The other thing to bear in mind with mum groups is they can sometimes be a bit naice and unwelcoming to single mums, it depends on the group.

From what you have said you simply don't sound like a good fit for the area you live. If you aren't finding the right groups for you and there aren't enough people like you to start one it's really hard.

funnyfacestace · 18/02/2019 07:34

@Mumof1andacat

This makes me sad :( I hope you are ok!x

Not saying this is your situation but it's wrong for people to assume just because you have children that you are too busy for things when in reality this is when you need your friendships most!

Hedwigsradio · 18/02/2019 07:34

I dont have any suggestions as I don't really have any friends. Just wanted to say that having kids wont necessarily make it better I have three and just never have time to meet anyone as I never have any time without them. Its pretty lonely to be honest.

Yogagirl123 · 18/02/2019 07:35

I get what oneweekleft means 😂

I have a lot of friends most I have had for many years, most I met at work, or through my children, it can be quite a juggling act at times to keep up with everyone’s news at times.

I always seems to be first port of call when anyone is in crisis. DH occasionally moans when my phone is going off constantly LOL 😆 I remind him that’s the type of person I am and that’s one of the reasons he loves me!

Are you shy OP? Do you like to talk to people? Are you working? I am the sort of person that will talk to anyone and find it very easy to make friends, but not everyone is like that. But you can’t make a friend without meeting people and talking. My friends vary completely in age some younger than me, some childless, some extremely academic (and I am so not!) some in professional roles, some that are completely bonkers, just a total mix. But I love them all dearly.

I hope you meet a lovely friend soon OP.

trooth · 18/02/2019 07:35

Have a look on Facebook for local running groups rather than going to a big park run. If you have a dog, search for a Canicross/cani-x group to go running with. Or even approach them and say you don't have a dog but really would like to run with them and are happy to run someone else's dog who has more than one. It's such good fun, you meet new people doing something you all enjoy.

Where do you live?

bluetheskyis · 18/02/2019 07:37

It takes time to make friends usually - do go to the park run and stick with it, there are always people at ours hanging around after wards for a coffee, or join another running group - for women, over 50s, techies who run - whatever that has coffee afterward aspect to it. Book grp? They’re everywhere. Other sports that has a social aspect? Tennis is good for that. Film club? Or go to Meet Up and find a group that does something that you’re interested I. Or could be. And the friends who have families - they’re still friends! Give than a call, meet for a drink, or cuppa.

YouBumder · 18/02/2019 07:38

Do you like reading? If so look at joining a book group. If there isn’t one locally start one! I’ve met a few good friends that way.

Tbh being a mum doesn’t really make it easier to make friends as a lot of us also work and can’t make the groups that run on weekdays!

Bubba1234 · 18/02/2019 07:40

Its tough at times.
I recently reconnected with a friend that moved away a few years ago.
Was delighted we were having a laugh like old times.
Then she asked me to be a bridesmaid for her and my gut instinct was something is not right here but I thought don’t be negative she is a friend.
Turns out she wanted to treat me like an atm like she used to in the past.
She wanted me to pay for my dress but she was paying for everyone else’s and saying it to me in a really cheeky way saying That I just expect everything to be paid for and others are paying for flights and I don’t have to. Er that’s irrelevant to me like money dsnt appear in my purse because people I don’t know are booking flights.
I just told her I wasn’t aware of the cost when she asked and declined.
I’m so used to people using me for money I wasn’t even that surprised I just blocked her.
Friends are hard work I feel like I have bad luck and can’t trust anyone.
Was driving yesterday and just thought I miss girls nights out but where would you start.
Sorry op for the ramble there...
Volunteering is a great place to start because it’s an activity.
Trying new things can help broaden your horizons x

bluetheskyis · 18/02/2019 07:40

It’s not all aimed at mums! Trust me on that. The mums I know don’t have any fecking time!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/02/2019 07:41

There must be other people at Parkrun who aren't going home to their families? At my local one a lot go to the park cafe afterwards - I think that's what most of them really go for, tbh.

peachjuice · 18/02/2019 07:42

Running clubs are good - if there's a c25k group in your area then that's a 3x weekly meet up.

converseandjeans · 18/02/2019 07:42

yoga is that helpful saying how you have soooo many friends you can't keep up?!

Would you consider moving house OP! Maybe you're in a family area? Maybe city might be the solution? Somewhere new?

FriedaTheBreeder · 18/02/2019 07:43

I volunteer for a group called Contact teas who ask you to befriend isolated elderly people. I’ve made friends with too fantastic older ladies through that and also met many other volunteers as we often organise group parties etc. Have you thought of volunteering for a befriending charity?

Heartlake · 18/02/2019 07:43

I think if you get onto the organising side of activities, and not just attending, your potential friends are your fellow organisers as your joint effort is much more focused.

You may feel like you're giving more than you're getting back at first, but taking the mindset of giving what you can to get what you would like can help!!

TrainSong · 18/02/2019 07:44

Hi,

You want friends, you will find some. It can take time and work to find people you really click with.

It's really helpful to think of different types of friendships, so you don't expect too much too soon.

I'd start by making sure I had three social habits - one to do with fitness, one to do with community work and one a really niche passion. I'd expect to meet people regularly at the same fitness classes, just to smile and say hi to but not get that close to. Still, you can always suggest to the teacher going for a drink at the end of term. Gradually, you get to know people. At a running club or marathon training you;re more likely to make friends than park run, because it;s the same people each week and you get to chat as you run.
Wth community work you have the shared experience of trying to make the community a better place. It's surprised me how rarely I found friends in this group even though I spent about seven years wearing myself out with community work at one point (when I was veyr lonely) doing about 20 hours a week. But what it did do was knit me into the community. Lots of people to say hi to, to catch up with for two minutes in the street. Helps you feel you belong.

The places I make my closest friends are always in niche interest groups. Am dram or creative writing, both of which demand a bit of opening up and sharing who you are, which fast tracks familiarity. Or embroidery/knitting/art/pottery classes. People can chat during crafty activities and end up having a laugh and getting close to each other. I know people who do historical re-enactment or toastmasters speechmaking or Warhammer. Anything where your interest is one the rest of the world doesn't share is one where you are likely to bond quickly.

SaturdayNext · 18/02/2019 07:46

Well yes saturday but for instance if I was interested in knitting I’d have to keep Thursday mornings free

So look further afield for a group that meets in the evenings, or look at different activities that aren't restricted to working hours meet-ups.

Hollowvictory · 18/02/2019 07:46

Book group) ask at library)
Are you sporty, what 'learn to' courses run near you? Learn to climb at indoor climbing centres are good
Women's cycling and learn to cycle groups are sociable
Women's insti or similar
Are you in your local fb group? Mine has various things on there, this week someone wS starting a women's supper club

Hollowvictory · 18/02/2019 07:47

Tennis courses are also social

TrainSong · 18/02/2019 07:48

The other thing is, you end up finding friends randomly. Trying to get fit, I asked two other overweight women I know to work out with me. One to go running, the other to go swimming. The runner cried off after a few weeks. But the swimmer and I go every week now. We don't chat while we swim, but we gossip in the steam room afterwards and although we have very little in common outside that once a week, we actually really love eahc other. She;s the first person I;d trust or turn to in a crisis.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/02/2019 07:48

Running clubs are good - if there's a c25k group in your area then that's a 3x weekly meet up.

25k?! Hmmm. Not sure friends are worth that.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/02/2019 07:50

Bit to be fair Saturday if you are commuting to another area that has an evening knitting group are you really going to hang out with these people very often?

This was one of the issues I had with meetup, groups would say local but the members and meetings were all over the county, impossible when I didn't drive and even with a car it was impractical and pointless.

PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 07:50

It totally is hard to meet and maintain freinds as you get older. You need some good luck to meet the right people/person.

One thing though - you have to be brave and not take knock backs too personally. So say there is a woman at choir you like... invite her out to a concert or a coffee or something. Take that first step.

Meet up groups can be good

I think it is easier in London as there are lots of people who move in as adults and are up for making new friends.