To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

I know it has already been mentioned but can I reiterate contacting the local guide/ scout group and volunteering as a helper?

There are huge training opportunities as well as weekly activity opportunities for any helper ( they will pay for your child protection disclosure) regardless of age, experience or whether you have had children.

They run first aid courses, leadership courses, mountain biking, scuba diving: you name it! Also they have activity weekends away in beautiful places which you can go on.

My local one recently saw the second marriage of two of the helpers ( divorcees) who had been single for many years prior to joining.

The training courses are filled with adults ( so plenty of helpful and kind men!) of all ages and backgrounds in your local area.

I found the majority of adult volunteers to be well educated and interesting, some doctors, IT managers etc..

It's an excellent way to learn new skills and make friends and you go when you can.

If you have a skill or talent you can teach others it's a good place to showcase it which helps with confidence and interaction.

Hey well done @Pernickety and @IrmaFayLear

It’s really sad to read all the stories of ladies feeling invisible. It must wear you down and be hard to motivate yourself to try when you feel like you’ve tried before and it didn’t work.

Sooooo I think someone at my gym class is on this thread! Last night after the class I was asking my friend if she wanted to go get dinner and she said no she had to get home - and another lady there (that we know only to smile and say hi to) was nearby and overheard and said she fancied dinner if I wanted to go with her. So we went for noodles together and had a really nice time. How cool is that! And how brave was that?

That’s brill palmtree. How plucky of her and how nice of you!

That’s brilliant PalmTree101 and well done Irma!

Aw what fabulous posts from Pernickety and PalmTree ❤️

And Irma! I just spotted yours ❤️

Irma my jaw has dropped at the audacity of the woman who informed you she had a great many friends but if a vacancy became available she'd let you know. It was just a coffee!!!

I’ve had long periods without friends, partly due to some of them drifting, leaving country or having children and party due to choice. I’ve changed my lifestyle and some people just didn’t fit in it anymore.

I’ve been very lonely since becoming a mum though. I know I have my DH and baby, but most of my friends deserted me. I’m not even getting the odd email or text asking me how I am or how is my DD, which was a big of a shock at first. Just enjoy your own company the best you can, things change either way.

Have you thought of joining the Ramblers? It's quite a good way to meet people your own age. There won't be kids around, you will get some fresh air, keep active AND get to talk to lots of people - people won't be as out of breath as when they are running! Ramblers tend to meet regularly so you would soon find some familiar faces and walks quite often end up in a pub! Honestly give it a go!

Pernickity1 brilliant! Well done for getting the ball rolling and the best of luck to you

If the OP is still around, my final suggestions are; sign up for a touch therapy cause (reflexology, Indian head massage, Swedish/aromatherapy massage etc), The nature of the course will mean that you will have a closeness to the other participants. Or just book yourself in for a massage, if you're single and friendless, you might find it comforting for someone to touch you (I don't mean in a sexual way). If that's too much then maybe a pedicure with a leg/foot massage

And in total contrast, Bootcamp? they are everywhere and there are women only options too, there's a camaraderie at having made it through certain stations to the end.

I'm kind of torn about the no vacancy woman. I mean at least it's honest and you could avoid wasting your time but it must have been an unpleasant conversation.

OneKey I am dying to join the Ramblers. Soon as Dc have left home I want to be out every Saturday hiking and chatting and having a pint. It sounds bliss.

Have a sit down with a cuppa, paper and pen and make a list of all the reasons why you should have friends, then a list of what you expect a friend to be like.

Make a list of the reasons why you think having a child will bring you more friends.

Be honest with yourself. Do you want to share yourself with anyone? Are you content to be independent and answerable to anyone. What reason do you have now to think you should have friends? Are you sure you do not have ANY friends, or are you not particularly enamoured of the ones you have?

I agree the "no vacancy" woman was at least honest. But the embarrassing thing was that we had met in a Costa Coffee attached to a supermarket, and then both had to set off to do some shopping. I felt I had to hold my head high and wheel my trolley round instead of running off, but I kept bumping into her and had to smile weakly whilst feeling like a pathetic worm inside.

Meetup is very good. I moved abroad with work and met lots of friends through that. I like reading and hiking so joined groups based around those, although they do have groups that are just based on socialising - nights out, dinners etc. I remember going on my first few hiking ones and thinking “the worst that can happen is that I go on a nice walk somewhere that I wouldn’t have thought of going by myself”. I ended up making quite a few friends in the end though.

Have you considered having a dog? You would make friends walking the dog regularly, but of course you have to like dogs if you want to meet like minded people because they might not appreciate someone walking a dog to make friends, unless of course they have done the same.

There again, you could advertise your services as a dog walker, an admirable way to meet people and get paid for it.

I'm glad I saw this thread, I'm feeling much the same. I don't feel like I have any friends. I'm quite a shy and unconfident person so don't find it easy just to go and join a group or something.

I have looked at meetups, but a lot of things are either too far from me or are during the day when I work.
I'm a single mum and don't get any help from the children's dad and my family live far away. Luckily my children are now old enough to be left alone for a few hrs, but as I say its not that easy to leave them and go and meet a load of people I don't know in the hope I make some friends or find a relationship.

Reading some of the responses has given me a push to try again...

@Nelumbo I'm a single parent too and understand the struggle. If you can line up a once a week regular thing then your kids will get used to you going out for that, and if it's something that really grabs you anyway then you'll be having fun even if you don't immediately make friends.

The two things I have learned in the past year or two of really putting myself out there are: it takes a while to make friends (so may as well start now!) even once you've joined a regular group, and that most friends seems to happen as spin-off connections so you need to say yes a lot more than usual and keep doing so for a concerted period of time. Random brunch invite with people from a book group? Go, because you might meet someone new there you really click with. Meetup has a lot of evening stuff at least where I am, and is good because new people often wander through so it doesn't matter if there is not that initial rapport with anyone regular.

I used to be exactly like this (lonely and shy) so I have had a change in my approach over time, but I've noticed lonely people tend to be apathetic and give up easily, and expect friendships to happen with no work. You do have to hustle a bit, more so than feels natural perhaps, but after a year it starts to pay off as you realise you know a lot of people and can relax a bit. Don't give up!