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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have absolutely no friends

395 replies

twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 07:07

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

OP posts:
Sciencemum70 · 20/02/2019 10:07

There’s a really good app called meetup. Loads of different groups you can join any number and they are all based on different interests. Great wat to start meeting people.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/02/2019 10:12

Oh Irma again that sounds grim. This is why I stopped bothering. It just seems like you have to put in a ton of effort only to get crap results. If it was a diet it would be the sort where you eat nothing but kale for a year but then only lose 1 lb in weight.

It's probably different for those who are unfazed turning up alone to things and enjoy talking to loads of different people even if it doesn't go anywhere but we aren't all like that and I just started to resent how I was "putting myself out there" and getting nothing back and I didn't like the bitter person I was becoming.

ralfeesmum · 20/02/2019 10:29

There is a definite distinction between a friend and an acquaintance.

I hope you're not feeling pressured by all the claims people make on FaceBook about having zillions of 'friends'? That's a real social media trap, IMHO.

IrmaFayLear · 20/02/2019 10:34

I have lots of acquaintances, that I would stop and speak to in the supermarket, or out with the dog, at the school gate etc. But none of those have ever spilled over into a coffee shop etc.

Otoh I worked with a woman who was talking about her birthday party, with 100 friends. (I could fit my birthday party guests into my downstairs loo - with room to spare.) Then she mentioned a birthday tea she was also having for 16 close girlfriends. Shock I was also a bit Sad because I thought we were quite friendly but I had not made the cut for either group...

manicmij · 20/02/2019 10:39

Volunteering can give social contact. How about a ramblers,walking,running group,? Do you like or would be interesting in craft, art. There are loads of places with little group and are usually friendly. Agree there is an emphasis on Mums and babies groups everywhere, but others are out there.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/02/2019 12:18

There is definitely an acquaintancezone that you can get put in

sophe · 20/02/2019 13:22

Bless, you need interest not friends. Join some clubs that do things you would like to do and you will soon find friends as a bonus.

sophe · 20/02/2019 13:26

Don't be hurt. As people get older they get embroiled in family and there are so many demands there most people are drained by it and have no resources left to throw into friendships. They seek solitude to refresh. Develop your own inner reserves and you will become more attractive to others, not that you will want them, then.

People can smell need, and it smells like fear and is I am afraid, quite repellent.

LisaD76 · 20/02/2019 14:04

Having kids doesn’t always make you those close friends either, I always worked so even though I’m friendly with the other parents we are not what I would call friends. I am in a similar situation after twenty years of working with just men.

bpirockin · 20/02/2019 14:34

I can really relate to your situation, and in case my comment gets really long, I'll firstly say that I wonder if a life coach might be helpful to you in terms of working out what you'd like in your life and how you could work towards it. You state that you "don't have much to say" and that you are not very attractive, but you would be to someone. You first need to appreciate what you bring to the table, and that everyone's "offering" is different, as is what people will gain from having you in their life.

I had an accident many year ago now, and went from a life that was full-on with a social life, a partner, a few jobs, studying, travelling, and many plans etc, to sitting in an armchair at my Mum's. I didn't die, but I lost the life I knew and loved. I had been very active, involved in a specific music scene that brought me great joy with dancing, clothes, shows etc, gyming, swimming, and it was all gone. The only part of me/my life that remained was my love of animals, and even that was no longer so simple.

It took me a few years to realise the full impact, and in that time my "plans", the marriage and kids we'd been talking about, passed me by, and most of my "friends" disappeared. After a torturous 7 years I won a financial settlement and decided to train as a counsellor. I met many lovely people along the way. Not my kind of people, but lovely people nonetheless, and that gave me hope.

I explored online dating, but it was hard, as in my head I was the old me, but she no longer existed. I did an experiment, placing an ad that didn't mention my new physical limitations, and one that did. I received numerous replies to the incomplete one, and precisely none to the one that referenced them. I tried a site aimed at people with disabilities, and found that the people who responded wanted someone "helpless" to care for, but no-one who saw past it. I wanted someone to share a life, not to look after me. I am a person first, not a disabled person. It was hard to accept that, and even harder to get others to understand. I bought a house in a new area, in the hope of meeting people as the new "me", and not feeling I had a past to live up to, I advertised for people to go on dog walks with. I got one response from a guy who had no dog. Nonetheless he seemed great, we hit it off, much chat took place, and he was wonderful entertainment for a few months. Soon, however, I discovered he was full of bs and told him we were done. I'd only wanted a friend not a partner, but I wanted someone who told the truth and didn't want me to be his dirty little secret. He tried to smooth things over, but dishonesty doesn't work for me.

I tried to set up a group where single people would get together to help each other out - be it by way of a painting party, or a garden tidy-up and bbq, etc, a sort of skills trade idea. I had two lovely responses from miles away just to say what a great idea they thought it was, but none from my local area. I tried to make friends.

I bought my house in the wrong place, hardly see anyone even when out with the dog, and know that in the long run I need to move. For now I have my pets, my sanity, and the knowledge that one day when I have the energy and inclination, I will move - probably back home to where so much is more accessible to me.

People with partners, money, and children, have no idea of the down side of being alone. Everything is harder and more costly when you live alone. There is an upside as well though, and yours may be different to mine, but it's there.

In terms of friends, I can honestly say that I've never had that "best friend". I've been a very good friend, and it's been abused, and I have friends who are great for different things in my life, but I have no one person I can turn to, or share dinner and private jokes with. I miss that closeness with someone, but not enough to put myself up for disappointment. Once I admitted that to myself, I got happy with me and my life, and now live in the hope that one day the activities I get involved in when finances etc. permit will bring someone new into my life - be it as a partner or a great friend.

Work out who you are, what sparks your passion, then find an interest to explore that and maybe one day you will meet someone you have more in common with. Even a stamp collector can be interesting if they are passionate about it, IMHO. Financial and physical limitations can be overcome once you get over the negative head stuff. Appreciate any opportunities that come your way, invite/join people for a coffee and give them the chance to know you better. It's just a coffee and you can walk away at any time. Take a risk, you may discover something about yourself. You are attractive, and you are interesting to someone, and maybe many people, but you'll never know it if you don't give them a chance. It is hard, but I still believe it is possible, and I wish you (and me for that matter) luck.

IrmaFayLear · 20/02/2019 15:01

Flowers bpirockin (and I don't send them lightly!)

You sound very brave and grounded. I feel quite bad for moaning about my lack of friends now! I think what you say is true about "I bought my house in the wrong place". Some places just aren't "friend" places, as they are full of families, or the wrong age demographic, or social demographic or worst of all people whose families have lived there since caveman times and you will always be the "new" person.
Sure, there may be a friend where one currently lives, but as they say, if you want to marry a millionaire, go where the millionaires are.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 20/02/2019 18:22

Wow. 15 pages of the OP just shutting down every suggestion ever. My question would be, do you even like people? I don't mean that in a bitchy way. Genuinely, if you're not interested in people it's hard to be friends with them. Friends come and go and friendships go through phases of hotter and colder but it works because you are curious about them, and their interests, hobbies, ambitions etc. I'm getting the impression that you are neither interested in any activities, nor any people, and that's why people have asked about counseling. Because curiosity, interest, is where genuine connection begins.
Also, why can't you be friends with couples you meet? Does it have to be other sole couples?

Shezza71 · 20/02/2019 19:09

Have you looked in Facebook there are often people on my local area group pages suggesting meet ups. A lady has just started a cinema group because she enjoys going but has no one to go with. The group grew really quick, they do a fortnightly cinema trip, lots of chat and separate meet ups for people who can’t make the organised one

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2019 19:11

Also, why can't you be friends with couples you meet?

I agree. The OP was quite dismissive about her married friends. We don't all only want to talk about potty training. There's more to me than just being a mum.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/02/2019 20:08

Some couples are a bit "I'm alright Jack" about how they have their social needs met by the other and can't be bothered with other people. Not all obviously but enough to make one a bit cynical. Ditto some parents though I have more sympathy for that

Pennina · 20/02/2019 20:48

How about a sport? I was once in a similar situation - I had friends but all were busy with young families at the time and just didn't have the free time at weekends to get together as much. I took up a team based support that I'd always fancied and it was great. Good crowd, pub and other outings and trips abroad together too. It was the making of me.

Pernickity1 · 21/02/2019 00:08

Phew 😅 finally read the full thread! It’s taken me 5 hours to read this thread and there has been some great advice OP - if your still there?

Sorry you’re struggling with this. I had tons of friends in school but life means we scattered and the few that I remain in contact with live very far away so I only see them a couple of times per year.

I went to uni abroad which, though fun at the time, meant once I graduated I never saw my friends there again.

I lived abroad in the years following and while it was much easier to make friends as an expat, it was harder to keep them with all the to-ing and fro-ing.

I moved to my DHs hometown almost 4 years ago and I haven’t made any real friends. It’s been awful. I’ve actually posted about it on here. I’m a SAHM and it’s VERY rural and pretty crap here so it’s been a lonely, isolating few years. I find it humiliating as I think people see me as someone to be pitied, a sort of “billy-no-mates” and I hate that more than I hate having no friends here!

The reason it took so long to RTFT (besides the fact it’s 15 pages) is that I kept popping off to google the suggestions and in the last 5 hours I’ve:

Registered for the nearest park run and responded to their FB post looking for volunteers next month.

Emailed my local tennis club about beginners lessons (I’ll probably pass out with exertion but it’ll be worth it if it means some social interaction Grin)

Realised meetup IS actually available close to my area! Yay! I’ll have to drive a bit but not as far as I thought.

So I’ve signed up to two different book clubs and ordered the books for next months meetings

Joined a SAHM meetup and hopefully will be going for a coffee with them next week.

Thank you to all who posted - I’ve taken a lot from this thread and am feeling positive about making my future less “friendless”.

I hope things change for you soon OP. I know it’s hard to motivate yourself in these circumstances (I’ve given up quite a few times but trying again usually becomes preferable to the crippling loneliness) but maybe give yourself one last push. Volunteer with a different type of organisation this time, try one new hobby/class etc. hopefully our new friends are out there waiting for us. Best of luck Flowers

Mumbunsandhuns · 21/02/2019 00:11

@Pernickity1 that’s great! Hope it works out well for you I’m almost certain it will.

Pernickity1 · 21/02/2019 00:20

Thank you Mumbunsandhuns!

expat101 · 21/02/2019 05:26

Well done Pernickity1 that is fabulous!

SnuggyBuggy · 21/02/2019 07:01

Fingers crossed Pernickity1

C1rrus · 21/02/2019 07:26

What an amazing post pernickity ! (And Star for actually RTFT).

Pernickity1 · 21/02/2019 08:35

Thanks you everyone Smile

TrainSong · 21/02/2019 08:57

Pernickety what a lovely post. I bet you'll find some good, real friendshis from all of that. And even if you don't, you'll have a fantastic social life while you are looking! And get fit. Win win.

IrmaFayLear · 21/02/2019 09:01

Well done, Pernickety!

And I accosted someone I knew a bit and asked them to go for a dog walk - and they said yes!

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