To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

I'd suggest volunteering too, but make sure is for a cause that matters to you. If it's a cause that matters similarly to other volunteers then you already have something in common. I'm a bit different to you in that I don't have any friends locally, but nor do I particularly want/need any, but I think this is what I'd do if I wanted to meet friends.

I think it's all well and good suggesting different things GS but you may simply not have a lot in your area. This was how I felt, people would suggest stuff that to be fair sounded pretty cool but I'd go on the website and type in my postcode or Google it only to find there wasn't one near me again and again.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for. People have posted lots of suggestions and you simply counter with reasons they won’t work. I don’t know who you are looking for as a friend, but it seems that unless they are exactly like you, same age, same place in life, same interests, etc, you aren’t willing to give it a chance. My suggestion is that you check with local libraries, as they often have groups who meet and have similar interests. Yes, these groups, volunteering, etc are transitory, but that is how we meet people — you don’t need to spend every Thursday evening, for the rest of your life with a group to determine if there is anyone worthy of calling a friend. Stop dismissing the possibility of being friends with someone who is in a different set of circumstances — I am in my late 50’s with two kids, one who has moved away, one still at home, going to uni. I have friends who are young and single, some middle aged, married with kids — some with teenagers, some with toddlers. I have friends who are retired and have grandchildren. You may not think you’re a negative person, but for every suggestion sent your way, you have an argument as to why it’s not for you. If there are no groups that suit you, either subject or timing, then start your own. Post a notice in a local shop offering to get together to form a knitting circle for people who work during the day, or start up a book club, or ask people who enjoy cycling to meet up on Saturday mornings. Or whatever you are interested in.

@donkeyshrekmom It is a little off the way the groups are divided into ages but there is a follow on group from the ladies circle called tangent clubs. tangent-clubs.org/ . There is also a site called not '4 dating' where you can set up a profile just to look for friends in your area. Its also free.

Sorry to hear this OP. I am however kind of in the opposite boat and have lost friends through starting a family!!!

Definitely get into local volunteering groups and volunteer for long term commitments and the organising bit, will get you more involved w potential new friends. But also, I think making - and holding onto - friends is a skill you can learn and get better at. Approach it like something you need to practice perhaps? I remember I realised years ago that I wasn't taking enough initiative myself, I was scared of rejection, so I began to force myself to take initiative to push things beyond acquaintance-level with people. Inviting them along for activities I had already planned to attend or asking them to go out for a coffee or lunch, or join me at a fitness activity or something else. A good trick is to find out what's going on in your area and then ask people you'd like to make friends w if they'd like to come along for a concert/book reading/market/charity run, whatever it is, takes the pressure a bit off and makes it seem less needy. And gives you a chance to discretely test the waters. Then, once you sense they like you, don't be afraid to be the one to take the step to set up more meetups. The worst that can happen is people are not interested or don't have time, don't take it to heart if someone rejects you, but move on to another potential friend. Also, I've found it helps to operate with the policy - whoever wants to be friends with you and isn't completely crazy/a mass murderer and treats you well, let them into your life. Even if they don't seem like "your type". Almost everyone has something positive to offer, and interacting w lots of different types of people broadens your horizons and improves your social skills. When I was in my twenties I tended to pursue "cool people" who sometimes, sometimes not, wouldn't respect me as an equal, I'd play to their rules and always come running if they invited me, accepting that they often didn't make the same effort for me in return. I decided to drop this in my 30ies and now I don't pursue people who aren't reciprocating. My friendship circle has become much more diverse and includes people my former (immature and superficial) self would consider weird or dorky, but who often are lovely (and much less selfish) people. The grass is greener where you water is, as they say, so just keep watering it, use a scattergun approach to initiating friendships and keep an open mind. (Of course I don't mean be friends w people who don't treat you well, just don't wait for special friends who you really clivk with, they only come along ever so often, but other kinds of friends can offer you so much.)

I am the same. I am alone a lot of the time but I am not really lonely. I must admit, I do get envious when I am shopping and see groups of friends doing their thing.
I have severe hearing loss and when I was younger really struggled with large groups of people so always felt like I was on the outside looking in.
I now have a cochlear Implant but I have spent that much time on my own I think I have forgotten the intricacies if socialising.
I lost the only person who "got" me when I was younger - my beloved dad and I think it's had such a profound effect on my way of thinking that I am frightened of losing friends, family etc. so it's just easier not to bother.
It used to really upset me but now I'm used to it I suppose.

Oh also to say, I understand this is easier if you're extrovert, v attractive whatever whatever, but I genuinely believe the vast majority of people can become good a true making and keeping friends if they practice and really want to. I know several naturally introvert and stereotypically not super attractive people who have many friends, simply due to taking a lot of initiative.

You need to move aboard to an expat country. Easy to make friends in expat communities and so much fun. Warm. Everyone friendly. Everyone is same boat. Everyone open and everyone wants to be friends and have fun.
Dubai.
Thailand
Hong Kong etc

Some independent book shops offer book clubs that meet of an evening over a glass of wine and discuss a book that has been selected for the month's reading.

I wouldn't worry about not carting friendships along from school and the like. All of my circle went their separate ways in our early twenties, my daughter also now in her early twenties only has one contact left from school, and only a couple from uni. People change, life interests change, partners become involved and then it all becomes too difficult to juggle everyone, so friendships seem to be what gives. My daughter's biggest issue is trying to find adult hobbies that operate on weekends, tennis is only on Wednesday nights for example.

What about looking for a new job? Can't be much fun if you have to watch your back. New colleagues, maybe a bit more money, no more watching your back.

I agree actually about moving abroad. I think you need to throw everything at this.

Why not have a huge change, where you will be with people who are also going out for a huge change.

And for this summer, why not book a singles activity holiday to a place you'd really like to go to? Everyone on that holiday will be going alone. Pick somewhere that really interests you and book yourself on it.

Making new friends as an adult is hard.

The closest friends I made where when I moved abroad and new absolutely no-one and met people through being forced into very unfamiliar settings. And then when I returned to the uk (with no friends and very little family) I made friends through horses and dogs. So IME the best routes to friendships have been through social activities where I either was forced to participate with strangers or through having shared interests. Perhaps moving is slightly drastic? But are there any activities you could get involved in? Join a sports club, or take a class? Or volunteer in your local community? I feel like you have to not only put yourself out there but persist—friendships don’t go past the superficial stage unless you invest time in them.

This may have been suggested as I admit, I haven't rtft, but how about friendship apps? Like dating apps but specifically for making friends? Cosmo ran an article with the best ones.

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a24799641/best-friendship-apps/

For the people who struggle with finding friends, and say they try and talk to people and get nowhere - what kind of people are you trying to talk with? The people in the room who seem outgoing and chatty? Or the people who seem to be on the margins?

Maybe might have a better hit rate going for people who seem to be also struggling a bit?

One of the nicest things to happen to me in the last few years is people who have actively made it clear they want to be my friend and invited me to things. A couple of people that I wouldn’t have thoight were ‘on the market’ for friends as such. I’m usually the one doing the running and the organising so it was really nice for someone else to take the initiative and make it clear they were keen for a friendship.

Am mum of two a wonderful husband i stay at home mum yet i have lot help as i unwell with heart and are very unwell so housebound most time i dont have any friends either the all frigged of when i got ill .i have family that helps but be nice have best friend like do on telly

Cerroc dancing 🕺💃 is a great way to meet new people lots of people come on there own to the beginner classes. Be braze and give it ago!!

I’m in east Anglia too, are you quite rural?
I’d second a group that encourages interaction, creative writing maybe? Coastal leisure learning do lots of different groups in east Anglia and many of them are in the evenings and on Saturdays .
Also,Would you be interested in teaching fitness classes yourself ? You can train for something you enjoy, depending what it is the course won’t necessarily be that long, the benefits are, you’ll keep fit yourself, make a bit of extra money and meet loads of people you have something in common with, this is what I do and I’ve made lots of friends that way, it gave me way more confidence as I’m quite shy, I find making friends much easier now

What else is on in your local area? Is there a local Facebook page or a Nextdoor neighbour group that you could ask on? I’m in a local ukulele group and I’m their singer, plus I do wheelchair basketball and both are good social groups that I’ve made some good friends through. If you want just casual chat now and then, I like chatting. X

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I think that there are a lot more lonely people around us then we all realise, so bear that in mind please when you are feeling as if you are the only one. If you do not feel ready to reach out just yet, perhaps start by getting your self a pet! A dog or a cat is such a great company and can be a real companion. If you have a dog , you can take it for walks and go to training classes and meet other people there. There are dog walkers to help if you have work commitments. A cat will also be very happy to great you and curl up with you on your return home, they can be a great comfort. Whishing you all the best for the future.

A dog can also be quite restrictive to making human friends tho if you live on your own - can’t go out for dinner because you have to get home for the dog etc

Also have you gone on to meet-up online lots of events for people to go on.

Sorry to hear you were treated that way by the charity op, and i hope your illness has improved. All i can suggest is to keep doing what you are doing, trying new things and putting yourself out there. Its hard and takes time.
I have been in and kind of still am in your posititon. I have 1 friend from primary school (30 yrs ago) she is pretty much a surface friend. We live 400 miles apart and see each other 1 sometimes 2times a year. I live in a "weekend break" kind of area, i only hear from her when she wants a cheap wkend away. I shouldnt put up with it but i do. We don't have much in common any more and i don't hear from her for months (unless i call her) then she will start ringing me and the 1st thing she says is "I've got holidays i need to use so i was thinking of comming over" she will come over and i won't hear from.her again for 6 months. I put up with it because at least 1 night a year i can guarantee a laugh and a night out. And in a life or death emergancy i know deep down she would be there, even if she knows nothing about my day to day life.
School/ college friends have drifted due to work and children and being at different stages of our lives. In fact i bumped into someone i worked with for 6 years (!) Said hi asked how they were etc were they still at x company etc, and they didn't have a fucking clue who i was, i only gave you a lift to work for 3 out of those 6 years Cheryl, thanks a fucking bunch! (That one hurt)

I now work in education building, but i am not a teacher/ta. It is very clicky and an "if your face fits" type of place. I have worked there for 6 nearly 7 years, but i work in a dept on my own. I have dealings with every single member of staff on a daily basis, i have yet to be included in anything! There was one woman who i gelled with enough to sit with and chat at lunch but she left before anything could become of it. I have people who i can talk to through the day, but when i was off ill and in hospital for 2 weeks, or when i was off for a bereavement, i never heard from a single person. I have recently befriended a new starter, she is a bit younger than me and has no children (where as i do) but when i was upset around the 1st anniversary of said berevement (which she had no idea about) and pressure from work, she was the only person to ask how i was and offer a shoulder to cry on, she even came and checked on me throughout the day. She was under alot of personal and professional stress herself, so i bit the bullet and invited her round for a drink, fully expecting to get knocked back but she accepted. She has been round twice now and we have made plans for next week. I know she is planning on leaving and moving abroad soon and i very much doubt the friendship will be able to carry on when she does, but for now i am enjoying it for what it is. Someone who i can text and invite round for a drink and a bitch and moan about work. And someone who has actually taken a small interest in to my boring life.
I have also been part of a sports club for 20+ years. Both as a trainee and a trainer. I have met people but they have drifted away over the years. I have let it get me down in the past, but i will continue to try new things until it happens.
Good luck op.

OP I can really relate to this. I have acute social phobia. I’ve been balking at some of the suggestions on here. It’s not as simple as getting out of my comfort zone. I just physically couldn’t.
This thread has brought up unpleasant memories from my teens to present.

I did a part time access course decades ago. In my first year, nobody spoke to me. A few went as far as hello but nothing beyond that. I realised after a few months that I should have just plonked myself in the middle of everyone in the canteen instead of on the periphery pretending to read. It became impossible to infiltrate my fellow students beyond that time as firm friendships were well established by then.
All, but me and 3 others, were full time so had moved on. Thus, In my second year, I thought sod this and, learning from the previous year, threw myself right in mix as much as I was terrified. One of my biggest achievements in life (sad this to admit) is hearing that a large group met up after last lesson every Friday to go the pub. I was missing out because being p/t I wasn’t in that day. Instead of waiting for an invite that may have never come, I invited myself. I never looked back. I had a ball that year. Met fantastic friends and we socialised out of college, right through to our respective university courses. None of us were doing the same uni courses. It’s amazing thinking back how diverse our courses were. There was a tight band of us that stayed in our home city (3 universities, several campuses) and it was only when careers and families took us in different directions that that period of my life came to an end. If I hadn’t had the courage to ask which pub they went to every Friday, the following four years of my life would have been so different. I probably would have dropped out and certainly not persued with uni.

Subsequent years were spent masking my social anxiety with alcohol and drugs, I’m ashamed to admit. Being a party animal led, eventually, to a breakdown and the charade fell away. The new clean, bare and medicated me was a shock for my peers. People couldn’t accept the real me. How boring I must be!

Recovery has involved MH groups and women’s support groups etc along the way. I’ve always thought I got on really well with the others. We even became friends on social media and still occasionally message each other. But it is so hurtful when I read in plain sight, “we must catch up soon” and the other person will say, “yes and ask X, Y and Z.” My name never gets mentioned. Sometimes on another post I may have just spoke to one of them too. In fact social media is both a blessing and a curse. This occurs with other social groups too - old school friends, work colleagues, voluntary groups and even mums from school.
I try to be kind, friendly, supportive, communicative and it’s not my personal hygiene lol, though seriously I have sat and cried. I’m anonymous.

Sorry this has totally derailed the OP but I empathise with you. I do hope you manage to arrange meeting up with the posters who have offered in your area.
To the lonely mums. I was so fortunate to live in a big city when my children were little and surestart centres hadn’t been culled. Surestart saved my life. I was going to 5 exercise classes at one point all offering crèche facilities. I do hope these will be re-introduced as soon as this lot are out.