To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

twopizzas sorry you are getting such a hard time on here. You came to ask for help & people can be quite nasty on here.
There was some good advice up thread from a couple of nicer posters.
I get that you want fun and not necessarily volunteering - if you have been working all week you might prefer to relax.
Are you against idea of moving to a new city? Somewhere more happening?
A friend of mine does WI and loves it. What do you enjoy doing? I think people are making practical suggestions then getting stroppy when you don't enjoy the same thing. It would be good to hear what you like to do so we can think of some things you could do?
I think the advice of just going to things with no expectation of making friends is good & then if you do it's just a bonus.
Don't get upset by some of these comments

Some people just don't get it OP. I'm still laughing at the suggestion that you just join a gym and people just come up to you and there you go - instant friends. And the pp that became friends with someone who once served them at McDonalds. It might work for them but for the rest of us, thats impossible.

I've been going to the gym for years and no one has ever talked to me there.

As for volunteering. I've volunteered at a bunch of things, I try to talk to people but the response is just them saying "ah... ok.. ". They are not interested in chatting for two minutes, let alone becoming friends.

I once did a week long stay at an overseas volunteering project for elephants. I tried my best to talk to everyone and be really friendly. At the end of the week everyone was hugging and crying to be leaving each other, they had become such good friends. Except me - no one knew who I was. No one even said good bye to me as I left.

I've been to meet ups but rarely see the same people twice.

The problem is, if you are a bubbly popular person who people want to be around, all the above methods will work for you. If you aren't, they won't.

I'm much happier now that I've accepted that I'm just not a friends type of person.

I think you need to go back a step. You say you have nothing to talk to people about.

Volunteer, join an evening class, find a new hobby, join a group, not with the purpose of making friends but with the purpose of getting out, interacting with people (isolation is a huge issue for a lot of people), gain new skills/hobbies/pastimes. Then you'll have things to talk about, then you'll meet people with similar interests, then the friendships will form.

Intentionally trying to make friends will never work, it's not something that can be forced.

I've also been involved in the local music festival scene but I'm always on the outside. I've been going for years and have only gotten at best to acquaintance level with the other people that go. I watch as new people come, and within one or two events they are welcomed as friends. By people that have been meeting me for literally years and don't know my name.

I'm guessing most pps on this thread are like those new people that I see coming along. They are welcomed instantly where ever they go and think "that was easy". They have no idea it's not like that for everybody.

Listen, OP is like that other poster we were confusing her with.

If you post on here, people are going to give advice unless you specifically say “please don’t make suggestions”. I don’t think anyone does it to be nasty and I don’t see where OP got a hard time??

I can’t imagine a situation where nobody would know you after a week staying with them, or people would ignore you but fall over someone else, I admit that.

I just think; if you want it to change then you need to do something different! If you’re not naturally chatty and bubbly, fake it till you make it.

If the people in your job (as in OP) are awful and won’t talk to you, you can at least look for another job.

Evening classes are a surefire way to meet people who have at least one thing in common with you, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the same class!

What AnotherOriginalUsername said: "Volunteer, join an evening class, find a new hobby, join a group, not with the purpose of making friends but with the purpose of getting out, interacting with people (isolation is a huge issue for a lot of people), gain new skills/hobbies/pastimes. Then you'll have things to talk about, then you'll meet people with similar interests, then the friendships will form.

Intentionally trying to make friends will never work, it's not something that can be forced."

Find things you enjoy doing and live your life.

@Butteredghost that’s really interesting - have you identified any similarities between those newbies that seem to click?

I'm guessing most pps on this thread are like those new people that I see coming along. They are welcomed instantly where ever they go and think "that was easy". They have no idea it's not like that for everybody.

Perhaps it's easy for some, and perhaps for others it's not. Perhaps they've really had to psyche themselves up to be open, make the first move, not give up after the first five people knock them back etc.

*What AnotherOriginalUsername said: "Volunteer, join an evening class, find a new hobby, join a group, not with the purpose of making friends but with the purpose of getting out, interacting with people (isolation is a huge issue for a lot of people), gain new skills/hobbies/pastimes. Then you'll have things to talk about, then you'll meet people with similar interests, then the friendships will form.

Intentionally trying to make friends will never work, it's not something that can be forced."*

I agree with this, it's been my experience.

It may well be partly if you are rural. When I was single and had no DCs, I lived in London, and while socialising involved a lot of travelling across town, I was busy. At that stage in my life, my friends in London didn't have DCs, some still don't.

Most of my friends were those I'd met at earlier stages in my life, those I met through church groups, through hobbies (a long standing friend currently I met through knitting group, we set it up together on a Saturday because we work in the week).

I now find that LOADS of the nice social things we could go to are no good if you have kids unless your kids are really compliant (e.g. my kids wouldn't do much at a beach cleanup session; I'd love to go to an evening fundraising event for a women's charity, or join a choir regularly, but my DCs struggle to go to bed sometimes; we've tried going on tours of country houses but it was just madness with the DCs).

Do you still have friends in other parts of the country? One of my pleasures when I was single was visiting friends for the weekend.

I also made a lot of friends through volunteering - I think I'm probably also slow to make friends but if you are volunteering with a group that runs social events for volunteers, I found that was a good way to get to know other volunteers more informally. If you have been volunteering for a while and nothing's come up, you can suggest something, they are a captive audience really!

I agree, I really question how much intentionally trying to make friends actually works. Sacking it off was the best thing for me.

Also I personally think living rurally can be shit but I guess it's different strokes for different folks.

snuggybuggy

How do you stop caring ? Iv tried and gotten a bit better but I feel I still care and obsess too much. I'm not totally alone as my sister is my bestie and I have a partner but it gets me down lack of friends sometimes

@PalmTree101 yes I have, they are generally good looking and have outgoing, bubbly personalities. Now that makes sense, who wouldn't want to be friends with them? But it's not as easy as saying "oh well just be like them". Some people (like me) aren't and it's impossible to fake it. I've tried over and over my whole life and it falls flat.

I can’t imagine a situation where nobody would know you after a week staying with them, or people would ignore you but fall over someone else, I admit that.

And here is exactly why people can't understand each on this thread. Half the posters "can't imagine" this situation, while the other half can't imagine this not happening.

Yes but did you even bother to read the rest of my post??

I’m saying that I admit I can’t imagine it because I’m lucky enough not to have experienced it. I wasn’t saying it to be be braggy or dismissive!

Pauperlil, I'm not sure, I never really stopped feeling crap about having no friends to hang out with but the constant disappointment was much worse. It was the best of two bad options.

i dont think good looks are a factor as an adult especially , or I would have no friends 😂 I think it’s more personality, are you easy going, project a warm personality, have a good sense of humour? Are clean and presentable?
I can see why people find it hard to make friends - you can see dynamics in the workplace (the person that people avoid is the one who is boring, annoying and appears too keen). What someone looks like is far down the list of priorities- but if they smelled that would be a turn off friendship-wise for me.
I can also see it in my DCs too - one attracts friends v easily (has had friendship issues but that’s more group dynamics) and one has always struggled to make good friends. Lovely girl, but she can come across as awkward as it’s just her ‘way’.

personality, are you easy going, project a warm personality, have a good sense of humour? Are clean and presentable?

And are you reliable, honest, and kind!

There are occasionally a few posts on here with people saying "I have a new/old friend but they are not really interested in what I want to do/hard to talk to, WIBU not to invite them to such and such".

But we have posts saying "my flaky friend" "I lent her money and she told me she had paid it back and she hadn't" "gosh my friend was so unkind about my DC" coming out of our EARS.

I decided I just don’t do people. I tolerate them pros and cons but you seem to want friends it’s going to be hard but you need to put yourself out there.

My many hi hello how are you people are enough for me.

National Trust have walking groups if you like walking. Evening classes in our area are for photography or soft furnishings.

What are your hobbies/what would you like to do OP?

Have you checked the Meetup app .... there are SO many social things listed on there for absolutely all sorts of people who enjoy all sorts of activities. And certainly not just mums.

Find out where your local ceroc or modern jive (leroc) classes are - you don't need a partner as the classes pair you up with lots of them! Takew the plunge and start with the beginners - I've made some lovely new friends (male and female) too

I sympathise. Whilst posts suggesting all the obvious things - volunteering, a sport, a hobby - are well-meant and could work out well, it's not that simple, is it? Often clubs etc are very cliquey and people have their own friends and families.

It's a bit like dating: you need to know other people are also actively looking for friends.

I've recently started trying to actively make new friends. There is the Meet Up Facebook thing - I'm probably not using it properly because I just get loads of emails for things that aren't suitable. When I find a moment, I will investigate further. They do have speed-friending evenings though, although as yet I haven't been free to attend one. But, I realise it depends where you live.

I also stumbled across www.togetherfriends.co.uk
which I paid to join. Only one suitable match, really, in my area and she found me at the same time I spotted her. But worth the money (actually only £20!) as we've met up quite a few times and get on like a house on fire!

I'll try some of the other suggestions mentioned here. I do think internet friending is a great idea. And like, internet dating, it'll eventually be widespread with no stigma.

It is really hard to make friends when you're older. People move away, their interests change, you might not have anything in common anymore, they have families and jobs that take up their time etc etc. I did have some friends during the baby years but - to be honest - it was mostly dull and just passed the time. School gate was horrific. Never really found anyone I connected to like my university friends. My other ambition / task is to try and reconnect in real life with uni friends, but it'll take a bit of effort as we're all spread out around the place.

Good luck!

This is a tough one. I had friend issues in that I found it difficult to motivate myself to socialise. I’m fairly “quiet” and people think, a bit aloof.

Then, as a mature adult, I was diagnosed with Aspergers. In all other aspects of my life I’ve been fine (married, kids, good job, did well in that job) but nothing would induce me to “socialise”.

Oops, forgot to say OP....it’s not compulsory in life to gather friends. I have one or two and many acquaintances but, a five minute catch up is all I need. Maybe, you’re just “like that”.