To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

I have gone from having quite a good social life, to none at all. I fell out with two of my friends in the space of a year... one I don't even know what happened. He had a heart attack and then would not reply to my messages and decided never to speak to me again. It was a shame ( and I was sorry he was so ill too) because he was a brilliant musician and we used to go to gigs with him and his girlfriend.
The other was an evil minded little toxic worm ( it turned out).
Peoples are weord.
Why don't you join some local groups? I am just moving and that is what I am going to do.

Maybe you sign up for a singles holiday in your local area. Presumably others will be single and so maybe you could keep in touch after the holiday.

Please excuse my cardinal sin of not RTFT [the full thread not the other F] OP but I think you might be on the end of an unfair bit of judgement from PP.

It's ok not to have friends.

It's often difficult to find people that you click enough with to bother about putting in the effort a friendship requires.

Somehow though we can feel that having friends is a normal state of being and not having them is abnormal. Sometimes we can feel lonely but I've sometimes felt lonely when I had friends and also when I didn't.

It's a similar thought process to being in a relationship. Some people value being in a relationship more and some value being single. I wonder what your current beliefs and values are about the idea of friendships.

Just looked up ladies circle and am gutted to see it's for 18-45. I'm 50. So, am I on the friendship scrapheap? That's terrible. I'm not a spring chicken but I'm certainly not ready for senior citizen clubs (although, I'm not ageist in any direction).

How very strange and upsetting!

Of course it’s ok not to have friends but OP posted because she ^wants* friends!

Try The Red Hat Society?

I've read most of the full thread and it's slightly frustrating...there is some really good advice on here but you seem to have tried everything and not enjoyed it.

It sucks when you realise you have no close friends. I moved back from Uni and realised I didn't, so joined a sports team and my best friends have come from there (I didn't even particularly enjoy the team or was any good).

It comes across like you think you've failed because you don't have a DP or DC to spend your time with. It doesn't matter that 'everyone' else is with their families when you do something. You can still be friendly, which might turn into friendships. One of my friends is single and she hangs out with my DP and my DC on a regular basis. It has never bothered her that she's 'third wheeling' and it's never bothered us that she's there.

Sounds hard, sorry you had such a tough time. I think having friends is about luck and time. You need to be in a place that has people similar to you. You need to put yourself out there and have interests, organize things, do activities. But if you do it so as to make friends it doesn't work- for me at least that seems to put a neon sign over my head that says scary desperate person. You have to do it for its own sake and hope something sticks. I have mum friends now but only because I'm lucky enough to be a sahm so have lots of time on weekday daytimes. And we do talk about potty training etc lol! But you can't really have friends unless you have something you both like talking about.

What about voulenteering in guiding or scout association. You dont have to have kids to help at any of the groups - you will be welcomed with open arms.
I have a whole new circle of friends i have made through this.
We all go out together once a term, usually for a curry & a drink but its a nice social gathering - some of the group get together more often. All invited & you pick and choose when you want to go.

I have circle of friends i met as a slimmimg group - we all went regularly and got chatting, had lots in common - 2 of the girls are single, 1 nearly married, 1 gog married since we met and 2 of us have kids. We get together once ever 4 to 6 weeks for foid and drinks - sometimes some of the girls go to the cinema, one will pop a message to the group to see if anyone wants to go. I dont go often as i have kids.

I think it depends how chatty you are sometimes.
Im not very social/ struggle to intereact and make small talk and find it very hard to speak to people i dont know...catch 22 - i will never know them if i dont talk to them!

I go to the gym with a friend from work and she knows loads of people in the gym! I started going 2 months before her and i know no one - but shes very open and chatty - im not - occasionally say hi to somd regulars i see but thats it for me.

I think something like a book club would be a great idea. You have something specific to talk about & slowly you will get talking about non book related things - this something i would think of doing knowing how socially inapt i am.

Maybe just ask someone you know & think i likd them, if they would like to go to cinema or for a drink/to an event and it could blossom to a friendship.

Hi OP, do you belong to “Gateway women” - it’s for those of us with no children - I’m sure they’ll have some meet ups near you - can I ask where you live ?

does Red Hat Society exist in the UK?

I find the division of age bizarre.

I know you said you'd already tried it, but my vote is for parkrun. It's the new church for people who aren't religious. As well as the people who are religious. It just draws together the local community at the same time every week.

Most people live near several parkruns (it's growing rapidly!) so if you didn't like one, you can probably travel to another.

It does take some persevering, turning up each week when you don't know anyone and even more so if you don't actually like running, but it's worth it. I've met so many folk through parkrun - and not just superficially. I've made some real friends for life that way.

If you're awful at running, sign up to volunteer each week. People will recognise you and start chatting to you. Go for coffee afterwards with the event team (if you're volunteering and tag along with the event team afterwards, that's much less intimidating than just randomly turning up at the post-parkrun cafe and hoping someone will talk to you).

After school and university, parkrun is the next big pool for making friends. Do reconsider.

I don’t think OP is coming back...

Not read thread so sorry if repeating - It can take ages to make friends. Try meetup.com and join. Don't quit early - people who have moved house told me it took them five years to really make friends and settle. You have to keep going and at some point you need to bite the bullet and ask people to do something outside the group.

Having kids is not a great way to make friends. Having a baby or young children is not that much to have in common. You are much better off not having kids and having the chance to join groups where you will meet people with similar interests to you.

You can hardly blame OP for not coming back

@twopizzaseverytuesday

Friend - depends what kind of friend really. Obviously you need things in common, so you have conversation and bond from it. You also need to have interest in each others lives, again from common interests/goals.

So, what are you in to? What's an ideal day for you?

When I lived in London I had tons of friends but a combination of redundancy and moving back home to care for elderly parents has left me with very few friends now. And it’s hard. Most pp round here have families and their own friends. And not a lot of time for newcomers. I’ve spent quite a few Christmases on my own the last few years. I’ve recentky joined a Zumba group near me and there are some nice women there, but how to turn casual acquaintances into friends...?

@SnuggyBuggy

no, don't blame OP if she doesn't come back, some of the comments here...!

OP, if you are still reading, I hope you find some lovely friends

I moved to East Anglia several years ago, knew no one but soon made a large circle of acquaintances, some of whom became good friends.

These threads come up on Mumsnet all the time & clearly some people find it incredibly hard to make friends but I have moved many times & find it really easy. I honestly don’t know why, I am not trendy, don’t use social media but I do get involved with community events which introduces me to loads of people. I go to Church, to WI, different other groups depending on where I live, talk to everyone.

I genuinely think a lot of people don’t really make much of an effort to be ‘friendly’ & then moan they can’t make friends. I live & work in a fairly small & dull town but I know loads of people, obviously they are not all ‘friends’ but I know of so many groups & activities that I could get involved with yet countless people I know moan that there is ‘nothing to do’ where we live. . I walk a lot & it amuses me that so many people walk around, headphones in, staring at their phone etc & haven’t got the good manners to say good morning or just exchange a few pleasantries. I moved to my current town a few years ago & met someone at an exercise class, I soon made a wider circle of friends (through volunteering) but the first person I met made no effort at all but tried to latch on to the people I met, but without offering to join in with the volunteering etc. Then she constant moaned that she couldn’t meet anyone. Making friends takes an effort, be open, don’t limit yourself to only meeting people the same as you. I have a huge circle of friends, very few made just because I am a parent (that’s the most boring part of me ).

Could you try a regular gym class - yoga, pilates, spin etc or a course in the evenings? I made a great friend when I did digital photography one evening a week. I have to say I was really crap at the photography though! :) Another possibility is either a long walk (e.g. Diabetes Thames Path) where you will find other people to walk with and maybe be friendly with afterwards, or a ramblers club at the weekend.

Keep going OP - you only need one or two and good luck.

Move house/ job /area - sounds like you need a life overhaul! Consider getting a life coach.

Reconsider low mood/depression (it can take many forms, including losing interest in everything/apathy).

Keep busy in your free time in the meantime.

Life is just happening to you by the sounds of things - time to take charge!

Ok lots of people have suggested volunteering but certain types of volunteering will bring you into contact with different sorts of people. Obviously they are all caring or they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place but having done this myself after taking a career break after I had my daughter my experience varied massively.
The most friendly and caring people volunteered at the food bank. I only did this for 8 months but am still friends with several other volunteers.
The other was a local hospice. Being there also showed me many other opportunities to join other groups if I had wanted. They even had a Christmas lunch for volunteers!

I would suggest getting online, not sure where you live but if there's a big town nearby, there will probably be MeetUps you can go to google meetup). I live somewhere with urbeez which I really like. Also, try Tinder, just be clear with what you want, if it is just friends say that, or say 'looking for men for friendship or romance and women for friendship'. You have to browse women for Tinder to propose you to women. I see that on Tinder really often.

You need to be going out all the time, like commit to 3 events a week, and stay positive, it can take a long time to find a good friend, most of the time you'll connect with no one, this is absolutely normal, but when you do finally make a friend, it'll snowball from there.
.

Forgot to add - internet dating, keeps me entertained every wk end!

Is there a single's club in your area? I made some great friends when I went to one for a while. There will be people there who feel the same way as you and will be only too happy to meet someone like-minded and share their time with you. They also arrange group activities which can be great fun and are a good way of getting to know people.