AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

[LilaJude]

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

A key point here for me OP is that you say don’t have kids (yet).
In hindsight, like most parents, I had way more time before I had kids even though I felt I didn’t at the time. But I also had definite time to do things that I absolutely couldn’t now. And now, there are some I couldn’t or just wouldn’t make time for. Making a floral centrepiece and hosting a dinner party would be two of those things. Some of it is relative though, I mean, we ‘fit in’ a lot at the weekends when both me and my husband are home - our kids do a lot of activity and we do day trips and me and hubby get to the gym etc. Friends often comment that they do less but they both work FT whereas I am PT, or their kids are younger and sleep badly so everyone is knackered etc. Other friends seem to do more than us but they have a lot of family support close by which we don’t.

You dont like compliments

You do realise people are being polite, meaning “hey well done you for running a house, raising kids, working full time and making a floral arrangement when you’ve invited us for dinner” it’s bugger all to do with finding time.

LilaJude. I agree with you! Saying that - It does devalue your efforts!

I'm now a lazy slut because I'm disabled and can't do anything and haven't any money. I used to be an extremely busy mum with a job sometimes two and three children and a not very nice husband. Then I was a widow and had to do every well as go to work, and I did so many things, like you, baking and dinner parties for friends and singing as well as all the things that come with the children....

Now I have a neighbour who is only a year younger than I and every so often she brings me a complete roast dinner with so many vegetables and the gravy and sauces - all separate. She does things for charities, helps her husband has a job looks after grandchildren.... She's wonderful! I will never say to her "I don't know how you find the time!" I do tell her she is wonderful. An Angel in fact.

I expect you are like her. Don't let their comments hurt you, Pet. I don't think they mean anything. I think they feel a bit guilty or a bit over-whelmed and not sure if they can live up to you. What you do is marvellous! Honestly!

"had to do every thing as well as go to work"

Sorry! Where's the little thing that eats words when I press 'post message"

Also every so often when typing my positioning thingy jumps and starts inserting what I'm typing into something I wrote earlier. Why Why ....?

I think people say it because they feel bad they are not able to do the things you do. When someone does something "extra" it make sure you question your own use if time and makes you feel maybe you should do these things too - if you're generally feeling a bit insecure, which is my guess these people do. Just take it as such and let it go

YABU it's a compliment

Meant to say makes you feel

I say this a lot to people and it's not a subtle put down, it's more me thinking out loud and wishing I could do the same. Often I'm curious about whether I could do something differently to get more time. However I do have children, 2 jobs and a husband with a disability so probably not 😢

@Londonmamabychance yes I think that's right.

You've made me muse this now

I wonder why "Where do you find the time?" is impressed/complimentary whereas "Where did you find the money for that?" would be seen as unimaginably rude? And yet they are both commodities of which everyone has a limited amount and different things taking them up.

This is really interesting

When I think about when I've said that phrase - it has been to friends/family who I've known really well - who's lives I have some idea of and it's has always been genuine admiration for something I would not be able to pull off under similar circumstances. I've never meant it as - why are you wasting your time that or you obviously have nothing better to do - it really has always been admiration. I'm always someone who appreciates a bit of frankness/practicality, so the poster earlier who said "I spend 15mins a day after I put the children to bed" or I bought it from here and did it this way or I weaned myself off social media - would be really handy.

Based off this conversation, I'm going to be more mindful and try not to say it. Thanks OP for the food for thought

I’ve said “I don’t know how you find the time” often to people who do impressive art or crafting or sports training or study on top of a job and family.

I guess I don’t really mean “time” I mean energy.

And it is 100% a compliment because I’m nothing but envious and in awe. I really genuinely cannot imagine why anyone would see it as a put down.

I find that things like floral arrangements are less time consuming to some than others. If you are someone with a talent for it then you may well do in 5 min something which someone else might take half an hour liver and still not have looking as good.

So try to take it as a compliment, because it'd take them all week to do

I think OP knows what she feels from how it is said to her. It reminds me of when at one point when both the children were in school and I had a car occasionally if my husband was away with work. I also had a bone idle husband who left me to do all the DIY and suchlike as well as having me helping him with his time consuming hobby. No family nearby to do any pickups or emergency childcare. No one line deliveries so all shopping had to be fetched in the back of a bike. I also fitted in some local community voluntary work. She'd ask me for lifts if she knew I had the car, but would always phrase it as can you give me a lift to do so and so or are you off gallivanting or sometimes gassing about.. If gallivanting means getting as much done when it's much more convenient so I have more time when I have to go back to walking or biking everywhere then yes, but that's not how she meant it.

I agree with OP - it is a rather subtle put down, probably from people with children. But time is a funny thing. I know some yummy mummies who have full time serious jobs, raise kids, keep fit and bake cakes - and they are probably on the PTA and local council too! I on the other hand have two school age children, work PT, am frantically busy all day long (doing what I don't know) and always buy cakes for the school sales! I really don't know how they find the time and if I said so it would be because I was massively impressed and feeling completely disorganised myself..........

Its definitely from a place of insecurity op. They feel you're making you look bad. Otherwise why not say "what a lovely centrepiece! It looks amazing."

They feel they are making them* look bad

@ Ohtheroses you forgot to factor in 13.33 get on mumsnet and write a novel about how busy you are 😂😂 FFS I despise the whole I’m busier than you, I work harder than you bullshit!! It makes women look like competitive, self important idiots!

IntestinalFlorist bloody hell bringing in a cake once per month is mandatory? Do they tell you that before you accept the job? What if you have celiacs disease, are trying to lose weight or just don't like cake, quite apart from the free time not belonging to work element?

I used to go to a small toddlers group with cake baking politic back when the youngest DC was small, which was must off putting - quite apart from creating unnecessary pressure to bake something fancier and more time consuming than chocolate muffins I hate all the sound effects people feel compelled to make when eating the cake in that situation, it all becomes an utterly ridiculous performance!

Some people are being very unnecessarily nasty on here. I don't remember reading the part where the OP said it was dominating her every thought and singularly ruining her life.

If the clear topic of a post is of no interest or importance to you, surely it's better to just ignore and scroll on by rather than taking the time to click on the thread in order to chuck a cheap insult at the OP? Nothing on here is especially ground-breaking - It's MN, not the UN global forum on human rights.

I agree with you, OP. You can tell by the tone of people's voices whether they mean it as a compliment - maybe if it's a present for them that you've spent ages on and it's their way of expressing gratitude and even self-deprecating surprise for how importantly you must value them; or it could be their way of admiring your dedication to seeing a task through and genuinely asking for organisational tips.

However, a good 90% of the time, this is intended as a PA slapdown (a bit like the very first reply to your OP), clearly suggesting that you must have far too much time on your hands if that's how you choose to prioritise it. Everything I do with my time is vitally important even if it is sitting in front of a boxset or spending hours on the XBox - but how you choose to spend your free time is not just different, it's categorically and undeniably wrong.

People do the same with money, too - they don't see all the personal sacrifices and economies you might have made, or the things that you've chosen to forego which most people consider pretty much essential - they just see the item/hobby/experience that you've chosen to prioritise for your own enjoyment of your money after you've paid your bills and, instead of accepting that people are different, they go out of their way to sneer at your choices. Sad, really.

I agree. It's a bit sneery of them, implying you have too much time on your hands or use your time frivolously! It's like when you're a SAHM and people make comments about ladies who lunch 😡

You do realise people are being polite, meaning “hey well done you for running a house, raising kids, working full time and making a floral arrangement when you’ve invited us for dinner” it’s bugger all to do with finding time.

It really depends on the tone and the manner in which people say it, though. It could be anything from "Oh, that's so very kind of you spending so much of your valuable time on me" all the way to "What a ridiculous waste of your precious time, you idle idiot".

I agree. It's a bit sneery of them, implying you have too much time on your hands or use your time frivolously! It's like when you're a SAHM and people make comments about ladies who lunch

"What do you do with yourself all day now you don't work any more? how are the 3mo triplets, BTW?"

It is annoying when people say that.
I don’t see it as them being nice at all I think it’s patronizing.
Some people make those comments out of jealousy op

“How do you find the time ? “ it’s amazing what you can get done in 15 minutes. So 4x15 mins in an hour you can get a lot done. That’s the same time as watching a programme on Tv which lasts an hour.

I made interesting shapes out of napkins at Christmas, bows, swans, flowers. It’s all dead easy. 15 mins to learn and then 2 mins for each one once you know how to. “How do you find the time ? “ what a stupid question !