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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

210 replies

LilaJude · 16/02/2019 10:18

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
LilaJude · 16/02/2019 10:38

I’m making the time to watch an episode of Suits a night dammit. That’s priority for me.

And an excellent one Grin

OP posts:
recrudescence · 16/02/2019 10:40

If baking or flower arranging or anything else gives you pleasure then don’t let anyone spoil it. If you detect criticism or disparagement then rise above it. You can choose not to be annoyed.

Mmmhmmm · 16/02/2019 10:41

I've always thought comments like that indicate the person is a bit jealous that someone else manages their time better than they do.

DidoAndHerLament · 16/02/2019 10:41

I'd find it irritating too. What would be nice would be a simple compliment: "What a lovely centrepiece", for example. Instead you got a half-arsed back-handed compliment which was actually a projection of their own defensiveness about not finding the time in their own lives to do the same.

AlwaysSomethingThere · 16/02/2019 10:41

I agree with you OP I have no kids (childless by choice) and when people say things like that I assume they must think I have a really empty life.

To be honest I think alot of people go on about how busy they are to make themselves appear more interesting to others x

formerbabe · 16/02/2019 10:42

Most people are just filling the silence.

This sort of stuff seems so unique to women and I hate to say this. Men do not analyse every social interaction and comment in this way.

notanothernam · 16/02/2019 10:43

I know what you mean, it's often directed when you do something for yourself or something you enjoy, something "extra". Like they possibly couldn't find time to do something so frivolous as they are SO busy with actual important stuff. I got called self indulgent the other day...

Not everyone says it in this way, sometimes these common sayings get said as part of conversation before it's been thought out, but I know what you mean.

WellingtonBridge · 16/02/2019 10:44

I get that. I work full time, have two children and have written several (not very good, but they make me happy) books.

When people hear about the books, I get, 'I don't know where you find the time!'

Yes, it probably is a compliment, like many, many things are that make someone uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure most people have heard many well-wished things that have actually been a smidge tactless.

The thing is, when you hear it, it sounds a bit like an accusation. Like you're clearly not focusing on your life appropriately. I feel the need to defend this to people that I do this in my leisure time, which I have because I don't eat out, go clothes shopping, get my nails done or even watch TV. The times where other people do that, that's when I indulge myself with a bit of writing. It makes me happy, just like the other things make other people happy.

If someone was to come in with full head highlights, I would never say, 'I don't know how you find the time for all that hair-care! When do you get time to write!' Their leisure time, their choice what they do with it. It clearly makes them happy, so I'm glad they've taken the time to do it.

But if you do something a touch less usual, it seems to baffle people.

notanothernam · 16/02/2019 10:44

@AlwaysSomethingThere ha I think that's true too.

Original poster
LilaJude · 16/02/2019 10:44

got a half-arsed back-handed compliment

Totally agree with this assessment! A simple ‘oh that’s nice’ would be so much more sincere than a suggestion that you only have time for frivolities because you aren’t Busy With Important Stuff.

OP posts:
Thatsnotmyotter · 16/02/2019 10:45

People say this to me about training all the time. I want to say ‘I have a husband who pulls his weight and I prioritise my health and fitness above sitting on my arse watching TV’ but I don’t... most of the time.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 10:47

I think the dinner guest was just being kind. Possibly your colleague is just a bit of a competitive person and doesn't like someone getting credit for doing something nice so she turns it into a negative (she can't do that because her life is just so great and full). If she didn't comment about the time she'd make some other disparaging remark.

Longtalljosie · 16/02/2019 10:50

I know what you mean - as a working mum (I’m not working at the moment) a lot of people constantly said to me “look at you rushing about!”. I got that a lot. And it wasn’t about me actually rushing about. They just didn’t like how much I was fitting in...

frenchknitting · 16/02/2019 10:50

It would annoy me too. Mainly because the answer is probably "because I don't waste 10 hours a week sitting on my arse watching crap tv". But that would be rude.

People shouldn't ask questions that are impossible to answer.

clairemcnam · 16/02/2019 10:52

Christ it is a meaningless comment.

Ariela · 16/02/2019 11:01

They don't have the time because they're glued to their phones/laptops/ipads

clairemcnam · 16/02/2019 11:05

Or on mumsnet....like all of us here.

lottielady · 16/02/2019 11:05

I agree with you, OP. I dabble a tiny bit in art, and painted a few Christmas cards last year.

My best friend responded with ‘Lovely card - but where do you find the time?!’

Made me feel a bit of a twat, tbh.

CircleofWillis · 16/02/2019 11:07

I say that to people when I know they are busy (and already have 25 hours a day allocated) and am genuinely impressed that they take on an activity above and beyond and do it well. From me it is meant as a mark of my admiration. No snide undertone meant at all...

lostelephant · 16/02/2019 11:10

When people say this all I hear is how disorganised their life is.

clairemcnam · 16/02/2019 11:11

For christs sake, why are you all mind reading??
All most people are saying - is wow I am impressed - this is meaningless small talk.
MN makes me sometimes not want to talk to anyone anywhere.

woollyheart · 16/02/2019 11:15

When you have heard it hundreds of times, you can usually distinguish between the person who is saying it in a positive way, and the person who thinks your life is empty!

Oblomov19 · 16/02/2019 11:16

Some people don't have time. This is forced upon them. Others choose to have lots of commitments. Some like to be permanently busy - it's their personality and their preferred.

I have tonnes of time. I choose to work part time and I have no commitments, hobbies etc. That's my choice. And mine alone.

blueskiesovertheforest · 16/02/2019 11:18

As you say it can be a compliment or a sneer or a WTF type comment...

It can be an expression of awe and admiration, but people might also be wondering wtf you did that and wishing you hadn't because it makes them look bad or creates an expectation that they don't want to make time to meet.

We have a parents representative at my youngest's school who lives to implement all sorts of projects which are of very, very minor benefit to the children but take up a disproportionate amount of parents time, and involve demands for crafting done at home/ specific ingredients part prepared at home and sent in with the children. The requirements are sent out the night before and often require shopping. I work shifts happen to know another mum in the class is seriously ill and spending a lot of time in hospital and her dad is trying to hold things together, other people obviously have their own complicated lives, and it pissed me right off. She puts in more time than she demands of us and means well, so nobody feels they can complain but she constantly puts everyone on the spot.

So "where do you find the time" might well be said to her. I've actually asked her not to send out last minute requests the night before but her reply is that if I don't have time she's sure someone will have extra supplies my child can share. This is at least as sneery and judgemental as "where do you find the time" as of course nobody wants their child to be that child, as she very well knows!

Original poster
LilaJude · 16/02/2019 11:18

When you have heard it hundreds of times, you can usually distinguish between the person who is saying it in a positive way, and the person who thinks your life is empty!

This is very true!

OP posts:
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