AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

[LilaJude]

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

A good response, I find, is to say:

"Ah, y'see, give something to a busy person...." said with a twinkle in your eye.

Then walk away, shoulders back.

The well known saying is " If you want something done ask a busy person " meaning they know how to achieve things and crack on and get it done in a reasonable time frame.

Perhaps quote it to them if they are sneering at you

The quote is very true !

But presumably you did have nothing better to do. If you did you would have been doing that other, better, thing. You decided that the priority at that time was making the centerpiece or baking or whatever.

I mean yes, sometimes people are being snarky. Of course. But that's almost always 100% because they feel inadequate in themselves. You don't need to be offended - they are not really implying you have nothing better to do, they are snarky because they feel cross with themselves.

You can just rise above that shit.

And if you can't, then you need to figure out why not - have they touched a nerve in some way? Do you secretly wish (for whatever reason) that you did have too many other things on to bake/flower arrange etc? Then deal with yourself on that score.

You can definitely tell when someone genuinely means it as a compliment or as a sneering put down. But either way, don’t let that get to you.

What I would like to know is how you made the floral center piece? Sounds fab and would love to do that for my mum when I go and see her in May.

It's quite interesting - women say this to me a lot! I don't think a man has ever said it.

It might just be that woman feel they under pressure to do too many things and are showing sympathy that it is sometimes difficult to make time to do the things you want.

I have lots of 'nerdy' male friends like me that make things. I will have to ask them if they ever get this response when they make something.

If you are worried that you may use this phrase too often, I always prefer 'how lovely/kind of you to make the time to make xxxx'.

I think I must be a very difficult person to talk to, really, because I hear quite a few ‘compliments’ as veiled insults.

For example ‘you’ve lost weight’ (you looked fat before)

‘This food is very rich’ (I don’t like it, it’s making me feel sick)

‘I like your hair like that, off your face’ (this one is my mother, I take it to mean my hair is usually a bird’s nest)

I think it’s probably me.

My mother once told me I needed to make time to clean the silver and tidy drawers. At the time I was doing prof quals, had a fulltime job and the dc were 9 and 11 and my days went something like this:

5am up
Study 5-7
Get DC up and breakfast ready
Wait for au-pair to come down at 7.45
Get ready myself
Drive ds to school
Collect dd and walk her to school
Work by 9.15
Leave work at 5.45
Relieve au pair
Probably collect from an activity of some sort at 6.30ish
Back home at 7ish
Help with homework, flute etc
Cook for me and DH
Sit down at 9.45/10

And shop, launder, keep on top of two lots of school info, socialise and go to college, organise christmas and birthdays.

The school mum who was a sahm and had two dc at one school and had a whinge up about not knowing ow she'd get christmas organised escaped a tongue lashing by the skin of her teeth.

At that point there was no capacity to make time. None nada and had some childless person told me too I would have formed a very strong opinion re their enotional intelligence.

Totally agree with this assessment! A simple ‘oh that’s nice’ would be so much more sincere than a suggestion that you only have time for frivolities because you aren’t Busy With Important Stuff.

Surely it's literally the opposite of this - if they thought that you had nothing else in your life, there would be nothing remarkable about producing something extra or spending time on this kind of luxury and they would know that you have the time because otherwise you would be sitting doing nothing. It's precisely because they think that you have other things on that they are impressed that you also find the time for these things.

There's a saying which I do hold try which is -

If you need something done, ask a busy person.

Time management and the motivation to do something creative/therapeutic/altruistic/charitable etc is a way of life for some. And those that do it naturally, don't brag!

Honestly pretty sure I've said this to people before and have never ever meant it as a dig or anything other than a compliment. Do people really take offence at harmless comments like this?? I'm scared to say anything!!!!

@TwitToWoo I hope you’re having a better day now than you were when you made this weirdly aggressive / hostile comment

Thank you everyone for responses - there’s an interesting range. I’m definitely reassured that lots of people feel the same and it’s not just me!

I find it irritating when people say that. I agree it’s a backhanded compliment... always feels insecure to me like “oh I wish I had the time to do things like that” as if you are a lady of leisure 😂

I always put a lot of work into my relationship, nice dates, send him nice messages etc and I’ve had lots of friends comment they don’t know how I have time to do this which I always find odd and feels like a dig.

It sounds very much like the green eyed monster, snarky " fner, it's alright for some" type comment, like you lead a charmed life with your time stretching ahead of you and filling your life with lovely things.

Except those people invariably had choices of their own about how to lead their life, and just because it hasn't turned out the way they want, no need to take it out on you!

daisychain01 yes, exactly!

Do people really think like this? Must be exhausting. I can't imagine analysing small talk in this way. I must go around insulting other people and not realising I'm being insulted all the time. I'm fascinated that there's a whole world of hidden meanings I'm oblivious to.

@CuckooCuckooClock how awkward for you!

It's not awkward for me because I don't know it's happening and in an hour I'll have forgotten about reading it on here. Back to blissful ignorance!

I’m with you, OP.

It can definitely be interpreted as ‘ah, bless you, I myself am too busy with very important and valuable things to ever have any time left over for something so frivolous’.

It can also be genuine though - my MIL says it to me often, and I know she genuinely means it in admiration.

Guess it’s in all in the tone and who the comment is from.

I agree, OP. If someone 'wonders how I have the time' to knit a jumper, teach myself Spanish or use a journal, I have to bite my tongue not to reply 'the same way you have the time to watch shit tv, sell stuff on Ebay and go to the pub'. It's not a compliment, it's a passive aggressive way of suggesting that your pastimes are frivolous and that you should be doing sfuff they like. Or sometimed it's probably a way of masking the fact that your skills make them feel inadequate.

Do people really think like this? Must be exhausting.

It doesn't require a lot of thought unless you're hard of thinking. Many people's motivations for what they say are as plain as the noses on their faces.

Ha yes I'm a bit dim. That's why I don't think of these things.

It's not a compliment, it's a passive aggressive way of suggesting that your pastimes are frivolous and that you should be doing sfuff they like. Or sometimed it's probably a way of masking the fact that your skills make them feel inadequate.

So agree with this!

I love doing little things like that. It actually feeds my soul. My DH’s standard response used to be “you have too much time in your hands”. Which he new to be absolutely untrue. He claimed the comment was made in jest. That never made any sense either. Thankfully, he finally understood how hurtful the comment was and stopped.

I do think the time comment is very odd. It’s like people are trying to insult your priorities.

I have had this said to me and it’s definitely not meant kindly. I have a demanding and interesting career and a lot of family pressures to contend with and I find the time to keep my house tidy, cook, bake and garden. I think I am just quite organised and do things when they need doing.