AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

[LilaJude]

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

I agree op.
When my dc were little we always got them settled in bed, washing up done, tidying up done and everything ready for the morning so we could settle down by 9pm and have our adult time.
I remember making a comment at work about a really good programme I had watched the previous evening g when a work colleague piped up" Oh I really don't know how you manage to find the time to watch tv, I'm still hard at work siding have time. "
Why not just say oh that sounds good I might watch it on catch up?

The only time a friend said this to me it was one of these career-driven competitive types and it very definitely meant 'I've got better things to do with my time.'

*ex friend.

I don't know why people get so upset over this.
Maybe they do think your activity is frivolous, so what? You probably wouldn't enjoy things they do.
Maybe they think you have too much time in your hands. What does that even mean, we all have 24hrs in the day.
So you've got more free time than them? And why does that matter.
People might think you have an empty life? Is that what you're thinking they think? Are they actually saying it? You can always have a conversation about your interests and hobbies if the topic comes up.
Just life your life, do things that make you happy and dont over analyse what you think people might mean.

I would hate to be on high alert and bring offended at something so insignificant.
As I always say, you dont always need to know what people think about you!

The best response is probably to breezily say "Well, I guess I must just be much more organised with my time than you!".

I would hate to be on high alert and bring offended at something so insignificant.

I'm not on high alert and wouldn't be really offended. I'd just think they were a bit petty or had low self-esteem.

I’m quite creative and love doing this sort of thing but it definitely sets off people’s insecurities. I find that saying “I love doing this kind of thing” defuses the tension. It’s the truth. If I need to say more, I’d add that I skimped on the housework to make time which is also likely to be true.

I would hate to be on high alert and bring offended at something so insignificant.

Being a bit irked at a snide comment is not the same as being offended or on high alert.

Do you think your work colleague would prefer you not to bring cakes in, perhaps? Whilst I adore homemade cakes, I prefer not to have them at work too often as I struggle to say no...

Though if this is the case, it might be better if she actually came out and said that...

Dinner guest - definitely a complement.

What formerbabe said.

People on here really know how to overanalyse meaningless things!

Being a bit irked at a snide comment is not the same as being offended or on high alert.
Well challenge it then instead if being passive and getting upset about it.

People on here really know how to overanalyse meaningless things!
Yep, it seems like the most popular thing to post about is being upset about an every day conversation filler. Even if it is said in an passive aggressive way people aren't adult enough to explore what the person actually meant but posts that they are offended instead!
Crazy!

Also rather depends if the comment was 'snide'. Certainly in the case of friend's new GF, it sounds like you're being a bit over sensitive!

But you’re not just a bit irked by it OP, you hate it, says so right there in your thread title. You even started a thread about it. I think it’s 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other in this scenario, maybe your coworker was being snide or maybe the smug vibe of ‘superior time management’ and ‘look what I just threw together’ coming over from you here is coming over to her in person.

I have a friend a bit like you, always goes that extra mile but bloody hell she makes sure we know about it. Potluck gathering she’ll turn up with some complicated gourmet dish made from scratch with fancy sides, lovely, very appreciated. But there’s always that subtle putdown of others who’ve contributed less extravagant dishes or, god forbid, something they’ve bought.

Being slightly annoyed about something doesn't mean that I have to rise to their bait.

I do what I like with my time, and I don't really care what most other people think.

I don't go round questioning why they have time to go to the gym, pub, watch tv etc etc. I'm not interested and if they wanted my opinion on it they would ask.

People on here really know how to overanalyse meaningless things!

Human behaviour and interactions aren't meaningless though. They are complex and fascinating. It must be very boring to see things in a superficial and emotionally unintelligent way and never read between the lines of what people say to you.

Human behaviour and interactions aren't meaningless though. They are complex and fascinating. It must be very boring to see things in a superficial and emotionally unintelligent way and never read between the lines of what people say to you

There's clearly a spectrum of how interesting a human interaction is... maybe it goes from "complex and fascinating" to "meaningless and mundane".

And I wouldn't say that "Where do you find the time?" or "What are you up to this weekend?" fall anywhere near the side of the former.

It is one of those phrases that is quite easy to say, but quite tricky to know how to answer.

I usually ignore it.

Well challenge it then instead if being passive and getting upset about it.

I’m genuinely interested in whether you think that’s better? I think that smiling and internally rolling my eyes is more conducive to a harmonious life than calling people out for their pettiness. Lots of little things that people do irritate me and I just get on with it, as I’m sure you do as well.

But you’re not just a bit irked by it OP, you hate it, says so right there in your thread title. You even started a thread about it.

I don’t think starting a thread on Mumsnet is proof that something is life ruiningly awful. Lots of people post quite casually about minor inconveniences on this site. And actually, if something had really and truly upset me I would address it, not post about it. I’ll admit to a careless use of the word ‘hate’ in my title. We’re all a bit hyperbolic sometimes. But I think it’s clear from the rest of the post that I don’t consider this the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

But there’s always that subtle putdown of others who’ve contributed less extravagant dishes or, god forbid, something they’ve bought.

Interesting - is this something she’s saying or doing, or is this your interpretation of the act itself?

Comparing this to #metoo is so stupidly offensive. Don’t even know where to start with that, if you consider that a reasonable response. You need to reassess things.

Having said that, “where do you find the time?!” is a slightly irritating to response to something cool someone’s done. It’s a comment which signals the super busy self-importance of the person saying it. It completely implies that you have too much time on your hands. I mean, you probably do have more time on your hands than them, but still.

Honestly, I think it's what some of us say instead of "I wish I could get my act together to do stuff like that but....I'm a bit crap, basically." No offense intended to the non-crap!

Comparing this to #metoo is so stupidly offensive.

The OP was clearly trying to say that, when poor behaviour of any kind (ranging from slightly unkind to terribly abusive) is pointed out, it is common for the perpetrator to react defensively by deflecting the blame onto the victim, implying that the victim or 'society these days' is sooo sensitive that nobody can get away with saying anything. Poor old abusers and unkind people getting their fun taken away! That doesn't mean the OP thinks that making snide remarks is comparable to abuse!

I’m genuinely interested in whether you think that’s better? I think that smiling and internally rolling my eyes is more conducive to a harmonious life than calling people out for their pettiness. Lots of little things that people do irritate me and I just get on with it, as I’m sure you do as well
Most things bounce off me, this would but it's you that's says you hate it.
Challenging something doesn't have to cause conflict. You clearly see this sort comment as a put down so why allow someone to do that to you if it irks you. There have been loads of comeback comments on here that aren't confrontational or would cause conflict.

It’s probably a bit of jealousy

Women are meant to (if you read magazines anyway !)
Work at a fulfilling career
Keep a beautiful house
Parent well
Play with kids
Pamper and groom
Be well presented and stylish
Keep fit and exercise
Cook beautiful healthy meals
Socialise
Help their kids with their development and hobbies
Be a lover
Be a friend
Be a sibling
Make cakes for the fucking cake sale
Volunteer and pay it forward
Recycle
And there are probably some more I forgot

So I spend a lot of time feeling bad !!!

You clearly see this sort comment as a put down so why allow someone to do that to you if it irks you.

Lots of reasons. It’s easier, I like a quiet life, but a and I’m liable to be blamed by other colleagues if I create a bad atmosphere by escalating the matter. Not to mention that the snideness would just be denied by the commenter, and I would just end up in a tiresome ‘he said she said’ which doesn’t benefit anyone.

The OP was clearly trying to say that, when poor behaviour of any kind (ranging from slightly unkind to terribly abusive) is pointed out, it is common for the perpetrator to react defensively by deflecting the blame onto the victim, implying that the victim or 'society these days' is sooo sensitive that nobody can get away with saying anything. Poor old abusers and unkind people getting their fun taken away! That doesn't mean the OP thinks that making snide remarks is comparable to abuse!

Exactly, thank you!