AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

[LilaJude]

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

Well yes - it was clear that’s why you made that comment OP, about #metoo. But it was still a complete display of insensitivity and lack of perspective.

But as I said before I kind of see where you’re coming from about the ‘time on your hands’ thing.

I am going to be really honest here. Sometimes I think that kind of comment on my head and it isn’t really thought in a nice way (which is why I would never say it out loud). To me it could be translated as ‘why are you wasting your time doing that?!’ It is a mean thing to think (let alone say) as you have pointed out that different things make different people happy, but you are not being unreasonable to interpret their comment as being judgemental rather than complimentary.

Lots of reasons. It’s easier, I like a quiet life, but a and I’m liable to be blamed by other colleagues if I create a bad atmosphere by escalating the matter. Not to mention that the snideness would just be denied by the commenter, and I would just end up in a tiresome ‘he said she said’ which doesn’t benefit anyone.
Woah! That's a massive leap, from some one saying " I dont know how you find the time'
which is an every day throw way comment to snideness being denied to bad atmosphere!!

"I dont know how you find the time' you say ' oh, it's something I enjoy doing! What's the big deal

But as I said before I kind of see where you’re coming from about the ‘time on your hands’ thing
What's wrong with having time on your hands! I have loads of it and love it! In fact I would use that as a reply!

I assume people find the time because they don’t binge watch Netflix or go on MN!

I assume people find the time because they don’t binge watch Netflix or go on MN!
I have done both today, but did it at the same time so I've multi tasked!!

I think you are reading too much into conversation 'filler comments' . I'd only say that if they had a job, a family etc & were doing it on top of that as a business sideline tbh. Otherwise, I'd assume they enjoy it & it's their 'thing'. Most of us have a thing we like that others wouldn't.

YANBU. I feel the same but it depends on the tone in which it’s said.

I do have children and do “fancy” things like baking and crafting, as well as visit the cinema an awful lot.

I can tell you where I find the time - I cut back on other things people think as essential like making sure the house is spotless or ironing or cleaning the windows or I wait till the kids are asleep. I don’t watch tv much. I also do things slowly. I knitted a pair of socks. Took months because I only had a few hours in the evening. But that makes no difference to the final pair of handmade socks that people say “oh how did you find the time!” about. Mate I did 10 minutes every night for 6 months, that’s how 😂

Honestly, I think it's what some of us say instead of "I wish I could get my act together to do stuff like that but....I'm a bit crap, basically." No offense intended to the non-crap!

^^ what Tawdry said!

This is definitely true of me. My daughter has ASD so perhaps I too have traits which mean I miss the multiples subtle layers of a conversation but I am certainly not being or feeling snide when say this. I probably said it a bit to friends and colleagues as I am surrounded by lots of impressive women who I would love to be more like.

Mate I did 10 minutes every night for 6 months, that’s how 😂

^^ and this is the sort of answer I am genuinely looking for.

My favourite reply when people ask this is

"In between work, housework, errands, taking ds to swim training 6 times a week and going to the gym. Don't others fit their leisure time in between other necessities?"

Then if it's a backhanded compliment I've basically dealt them one back!

Those who are genuinely in awe just say I must be knackered

The thing is some people have very little/no time to spend on hobbies and interests so when they say "I don't know how you found the time to do X" what they are actually saying is "I would never find the time to do X".

I often feel like that when I have had a day where I have barely sat down and then a friend mentions that they have ran a marathon or cooked some amazing meal that day. Quite simply I know that it would have been impossible for me to do the same. I don't think my friends have empty or less meaningful lives, but I do think they have more time to indulge their hobbies and interests. Why shouldn't they use that time to do something they enjoy?

I also dislike the phrase "where did you find the time".
Hearing that phrase brings out the worst in me, a knee-jerk reaction to think that the person saying it must be idle.

Woah! That's a massive leap, from some one saying " I dont know how you find the time' which is an every day throw way comment to snideness being denied to bad atmosphere!!

That’s what I’m saying! It would disproportionately escalate the situation if every time someone made a snide comment about my time I called them out on it - that’s why I don’t push back on every minor irritation / rudeness I encounter, and why I thought it was odd that it was suggested that I should.

I find it annoying too; and I find people telling me his busy they are annoying and that they don’t have time to do stuff, when generally they would have if they didn’t spend so much time talking about how busy they are.
I have time to knit, make cakes, have coffee etc etc, to do the things that have to be done and to waste time playing candy crush and on mn but I’m quite organised. Obv depending on the tone, I respond to “I don’t know how you find the time” with “ I don’t do things that bore me.” Then I wander off to do more knitting.

“ I don’t do things that bore me.”

This is an excellent response, might adopt this!

I think I have possibly said this to people in the past and I always mean it that I'm impressed they've made time. It's only ever envy on my part that they've put their time to good use when I've clearly wasted mine. It's not an insult.

I have found that I get this kind of comment for pursuits/crafts/hobbies that are traditionally feminine but not for anything traditionally masculine. I resent the suggestion that traditional feminine things are worth less than rugged male pursuits. Some of the 1970s women’s libbers and feminists that I know took a kind of perverse pride in not knowing how to sew, knit, type, cook etc (and equally my dad, of the same generation, took pride in being a modern man and able to do those things) It made sense in the context of the times, and breaking mounds etc but three generations on I think it’s a hollow kind of feminism that only values acting, walking and talking like men.

No one questions where I got the time to lay the patio, sand the floors, build a tree house or paint. But decorating cakes, sewing bunting, and making kids costumes all get the raised eyebrow and passive aggressive comments.

You’d only have to look at my filthy windows and laundry pile to figure out where I got the time

Wicked, I can’t believe you built a tree house! That’s amazing how on earth did you find the time?

youarenotkiddingme if you only have one child of course you have time though

Take one kid to xyz 6 times a week, meh, of course you have time for random crap. Try running about after multiple offspring.

By which I mean it's meaningless, it's all choices.

Perhaps you don't work and all your kids are school age - you have 6 or so entirely empty hours as far as anyone else knows, of course you fill them arranging flowers and baking and making costumes and doing other unnecessary time fling stuff.

You work but have no children, of course you have infinite empty unfilled hours, probably about 60 empty hours every week after work, sleep, commuting and laundry...

If you are a woman who has have multiple children and works full time as well as making sure that you fulfil infuriating PTA requirements to bake, volunteer, and join in with largely pointless crap to prove that you love your kids,as well as actually and separately spending hours per day meaningfully engaging with and helping your kids develop on multiple levels and feel secure and loved, you probably don't have much free time to bake alone, without it being a with kids activity, or arrange flowers...

Blues my child is disabled! He's more work than 1 and I'm a LP.
My point was I find the time in between everything because I want to find it. As someone above said - even 10 minutes everyday. The end result could be months of work. But I like an end result!

People say this to me a lot. I reply simply “I don’t watch TV”.

Soon shuts them up. Everyone at my work who doesn’t have enough time to exercise or cook or shop properly or do anything meaningful seems to have a box set habit

Not read the full thread but I had this at work the other day when I brought in a cake. My colleague sneered “someone obviously has a LOT of free time on their hands!” I don’t - I just thought it would be a nice thing to do and fitted it around the other jobs, I hardly ever sit down and relax apart from bedtime so the comment annoyed me, so I hear you op!

I'd take it as a compliment.

FWIW everyone thinks they are busy... when I was single I was busy working and socialising.
With one child I was busy looking after that child.
With a second child I'm wondering how I didn't seem to have more time with just one child.

So I am at a very busy time in my life with a baby, toddler, studying and running a business. I have other friends who don't have kids and whose jobs aren't that demanding, who do have lots of time for making cakes and other hobbies, which is great for them.

I wouldn't say "I don't know how you find the time" to those friends as it does come across as snide, as it's obvious they have lots more free time due to our different life choices.

But when I go to a birthday party and someone's mum who's in the same boat as me with time has managed to make a cake you could sell for £100 then I would say how did you find the time because I'm genuinely impressed. It's meant as a compliment that they're obviously doing better with their time than I am.