AIBU to hate when people ask where I find the time?

[LilaJude]

Does anyone else find it infuriating when people say ‘I don’t know where you find the time!’ when you do something a bit extra or fancy?

For example, I hosted a dinner party and made a floral centrepiece - nothing fancy, just a rectangle of oasis foam with foliage and supermarket flowers, but it looked pretty. One of my guests (the new DP of DH’s best friend) announced ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

Similarly, I often bring cakes in to my office for people to share, and one of my colleagues will always say she wishes she had the time to do the same but she’s just soooo busy.

I am probably being oversensitive, but this irks me a bit. You don’t ‘find’ time for things like this, you make it! It’s not that I have hours in the day they don’t have. I know it’s probably not the intention, but to me it devalues the effort put in to do something nice by suggesting it’s only because you have so much more leisure time than anyone else.

I know people who have much more reason to be busy than me (e.g. they have kids where I don’t) but who still make time to do extra things that I don’t (like my manager, who with her kids hand made little valentines for all 49 children in her kids’ classes), and I’d never imply it’s because they have more free time than me. I recognise that it’s about what’s important to you, and what you’re willing to prioritise.

Does this annoy anyone else or AIBU?

I sort of get what you mean. I think sometimes some people can make how busy they are almost a competition, because it shows how full their life is (similar to tiredness bragging I guess). So although I think most people genuinely mean it as a compliment, some passive aggressive people will say it with a hint of “I couldn’t possibly make time for such frivolities as cake baking, because I am busy with Important Stuff.” But really I think that is a tiny proportion of people.

Oh dear. I think I've been taking this completely wrong. I just answer literally, "I take 15 minutes each night after I put DD to bed" or "once a week while watching TV" or "an hour every other weekend before DD wakes up".

I never guessed the complimentary/sneery possibility. People must think I'm weird when I actually answer.

I know you're not actually meant to answer "How are you?". But didn't guess this one. I need a cheat sheet of questions that people ask for some alternate social purpose, instead of wanting to know the answer.

@murmuration I actually thinking answering literally is a good thing - it shows people it’s just the way you manage your time, not that you have nothing better to do!

People do get annoyed by the oddest things on here.

I've always assumed that it was a compliment and them saying that whatever it is looks / tastes / sounds etc. so good that it must have taken hours and hours. Why look for an insult when you could smile and take it as a compliment?

I have said it, and it is a compliment.

I agree - it's often a snide dig because they are jealous that you do have the time and they don't or because they have filled their own time less productively. It never feels like a compliment - akin to saying "god she's got too much time on her hands".

For those saying it's a compliment "that's beautiful it must have taken you ages" is a compliment not "where do you find the time?"

I’m with you OP. It’s a snidey comment coming from people who usually manage to fill their days with doing fuck all and consider that being busy.

Yanbu. Why not just say it's nice and compliment you on making it rather than making a comment about how you must have a lot of time on your hands

Christ, I wish people who over interpret every simple remark into an insult would wear badges so I know who to avoid. Seriously life is too short. I have had real bloody difficult issues to deal with.
I never judge people who spend time making lots of fancy things. I do judge those who take offence at innocent remarks and make them into a big deal.

Yarbu- this really gets on my goat too

Most times is says with a sneary tone

I volunteer a lot & get really annoyed when other parents say they don't have time as they imply that their time is more precious than mine

I agree. They are making it sound like you have nothing better to do
And what's wrong with that?
I have loads of free time and once jobs and essential duties are out the way I can do what I want, as I have nothing better to do!

Why did generally women over analyse everything from a compliment to an every day turn of phase that is innocuous and is usually said out of politeness anyway.
The #metoo comparison was ridiculous and no way comparable.

When people say this all I hear is how disorganised their life is.

I think this is a bit shitty in the opposite way tbh.

A former boss of mine was one of those actual wonder women. She had a very big job (200k+ salary) with lots of long haul travel, three kids, yet was still the first to supply the wares for office bake sales, ran triathlons, had a book club, ran a (very professional) supper club in her house at the weekend.

I’m not sure I ever voiced ‘where do you find the time’ to her, but I haven’t a frigging clue how she did it. She clearly had extraordinary levels of energy and organisation.

Everyone’s capacity for this sort of thing is different. It’s seems quite mean to dismiss people as disorganised if they don’t live up to what you are capable of.

ny2005 I suspect you are misinterpreting. They are saying they don't have time to volunteer as they don't want to volunteer, but either feel guilty about that, or fear that you will try and drag them into volunteering.

You know that nobody actually gives a shit, right? They are just coming up with something polite to say.

It seems that you find yourself so endlessly fascinating that you’re convinced that every utterance directed at you is heavy with meaning.

It isn’t. Nobody cares enough.

I agree with you OP, sometimes people say it in a way that implies you are a bit pathetic and have wasted your time.

Like the clinched crap gift exchange.... "oh you shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have".

I say this to people sometimes but I mean it as a compliment - I know that they have made the time instead of sitting on their arse watching TV like me. I'm truly amazed how much some less lazy people manage to do with their time and I really appreciate their efforts in cases where it benefits me. Maybe I ought to start phrasing it differently....

In the example of your colleague, it's like she thinks you stay up all night slaving away just to impress her. When in fact (if you are like me), baking is an enjoyable hobby and you enjoy having the chance to do it.

I sort of of see why it annoys you. If you want to annoy them back say something like 'Would you like me to help re-prioritize your life do you can do special things too?'

I usually tell the truth, it makes me sound like a dick and I know people get annoyed with it but when people make such comments to me (like you I make time to do small extras) I just say 'I don't watch TV'

#murmuration If I asked I would genuinely be interested to know!

I get it too. Most people don't plan their time very well, so it should be a compliment.

But sometimes it IS a veiled insult meaning 'your life must be very boring if you have time to do this'. Or a jealous jibe meaning 'you're showing me up as a crap time manager'.

It's the tone that makes the difference.

YANBU. Some people use it to imply you're frittering your time away and that your days aren't as busy/important as their's.
You could try answering with 'I only made a centrepiece. Beyonce runs a multi-million pound business with the same amount of hours as us' Then everyone can feel like an under-achiever

It's all about how you are choosing to interpret it. Just stop being offended. Answer literally, like another poster. Perhaps your dinner guest was being genuine and would appreciate the tips.

Them: ‘oh my goodness, where do you find the time for something like that!’

You: 'oh, it didn't take long really - maybe 15 minutes? I just picked up the flowers at the supermarket with the shopping and ordered the oasis on Amazon'.

Or perhaps she felt intimidated - as a new girlfriend meeting important people in her boyfriend's life - and so you could choose to take it as just a throwaway comment from someone who wants to make a good impression and compliment you but feels a bit inadequate and not at ease? Be kind!

With your work colleague:

Them: 'Oh I wish I could bring homebaked things in but I just don't have the time.'

You: 'I just find it relaxing, I like to bake while listening to the radio in the evening. You're all helping me relax by eating it all otherwise I'd be the size of a house!'

Maybe your work colleague does feel a bit inadequate about always being the one to eat the stuff but not provide it - and maybe they genuinely DON'T have the time to prioritise baking. Be kind.

In pretty much 100% of cases it is not about you, it is about them. And you are choosing to be offended when you could choose not to be.