To object to this form of address in the 21st century?

[clary]

We got a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs J Johnson. *

My name is not Jacinda nor Jennifer. My initial is in fact not J. My husband's name however is Jeremy.

Have I, having done something so bourgeois as get married, now lost the right to my first initial?

Our bank manages Mr J Johnson and Mrs C Johnson. Or I would also be fine with a simple Mr and Mrs Johnson. We are the only Mr and Mrs Johnson at this address.

I'm not going to complain to the school. But am I reasonable to be slightly seething?

*All names changed.

This is the correct way to address letters, I have no problem with it.

It completely eliminates the wife, doesn't it. Which dates back to a period in time when a woman literally had no legal identity outside her husband. If a woman did work, her wages went to her husband. She couldn't own property. Legally, she literally didn't exist and was just the female shadow of her male spouse.

By marriage, the husband and wife are one person in law: that is, the very being or legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband.

Adding you in as Mrs J like that literally erases you as anything but his wife. YANBU.

Don't know if it would bother me. It's never happened to me, as me and DH share the same initials. (Both names.) Eg, I am Jennifer Claire Jackson, and he is John Charles Jackson. So when anything is addressed to us both, it's Mr & Mrs J C Jackson. We're both J Cs so it's OK.

• Not our real names obvs.......

Port1ajazz Who rattled your cage? I’m grown up already thanks. The OP’s gripe wasn’t that this was addressed to Mrs and Mrs, it was that, in that, she was referred to as ‘mrs J, which is her husbands initial. IMO it’s antiquated and demeaning, and shouldn’t be the default address form

Did nobody ever get the thrill of the first letter addressed to Mr and Mrs X XXXXX after their wedding? I think it is traditional and sweet.

Fuck no. In fact, anything addressed that way in the first 5 years got sent back.

It completely eliminates the wife, doesn't it. Which dates back to a period in time when a woman literally had no legal identity outside her husband.

But it is just so romaaaaaaaaaaantic how women give everything and men just carry on like before. See also: child rearing, domestic chores and work.

You are Mrs J Johnson unless your MIL is deceased in which case you are then Mrs C Johnson if you are married to the oldest son, otherwise you are still Mrs Jeremy Johnson. It's etiquette to establish who you are married to in a family.

Oh yes yanbu. It makes me irrate. Traditions die and this is one that needs to go. Fine for those who like it, but there is nothing informal about writing Mr and Mrs Cheesecake. The initial is completely redundant.

It's funny as well how it's always women who seem so set on preserving these archaic traditions. I bet if you asked a man, they either wouldn't have noticed or cared if the initial was dropped. I've had so many women ask me why I didn't change my name and that they did it to have the same name as their child. I took a great amount of joy in watching their faces as I told them that not only am I married with my own surname, my DD has my surname too. The men literally don't care. My DH's friends all know his DD has my name and not one of them gave a shiny shit.

Not many things rile me these days but this does! My outlaws always address our Xmas cards to Mr and Mrs (hubbys initial) (hubbys surname). they are well aware I didn’t take his surname and I have made my feelings known about having my identity obliterated! I’ve been married twice and neither time have I given up my name or even in fact my title! I am Miss (my first name) (my surname), the identity I was born with and intend to die with. Why do people think something so important is so insignificant!

You are Mrs J Johnson unless your MIL is deceased in which case you are then Mrs C Johnson if you are married to the oldest son, otherwise you are still Mrs Jeremy Johnson. It's etiquette to establish who you are married to in a family.

Not if you live somewhere other than a Jane Austen novel, it isn’t.

I think if I were describe myself as "slightly seething " it would definitely mean I would raise the issue with the school. What would you need to be to raise it with them?

Even if It is the formal way if addressing a married couple (be it outdated) or the computer generated letter, if I was really that annoyed I would write to them explaining I would not be opening or responding to any mail that is addressed in this manner.

I don't think you are bring unreasonable in feeling that way, probably being unreasonable in feeling that way but not raising it to the school to highlight the issue. It would not really bother me but everyone is different.

We double-barrelled to Hisname-Myname (because my name was right at the end of the alphabet and last to be called in everything*, and I wanted any DC to not get this). Figured it would solve a lot of problems. I kept my maiden name at work, am a PhD Dr so have never been known as Mrs. Did it work?

Nope. Did it heck.

Hilariously, we both often get things addressed to Mr and Mrs Myname-Hisname!!

SIL is the worst. I've got the point where I refuse to open stuff with the names the wrong way round if I know it's her. Because we've told her and she still doesn't do it right.

I think the moral of all of this is to respect what names others wish to be called by, whether first, surname or title. Which really shouldn't be a big request in this day and age.

And to write bloody software that can cope!!!!

Websites with only Mr Mrs and Ms options I'm looking at you here!

*alphabetism is also out there. ;)

I think people should just use names. I hate being asked if I a Mrs or Miss or Ms. I'm just me.

I couldn't care less what they call me. Wouldn't bother me at all.

Not very long ago, I went to a wedding where my place name card was Mrs John Hisname. Unbelievably antiquated.

That’s fantastic ooooohbert.

Formally if you took his name on marriage you take all his name

According to what law exactly?

It's old fashioned but nothing I'd get worked up about. I feel too secure in myself to find it offensive.

Shot yourself in the foot I’m afraid. You shouldn’t have taken your husband’s surname in marriage if you wanted a leg to stand on with this one...!

Like your style!

I moved our Bills account to M&S bank. I filled in all the forms, put myself as the first name with my mobile number etc. Spoke to customer services when there was an issue.

Want to have a guess at who they text every month to say the gift card had been topped up with £10.....

They rang my husband once and he put them straight but next month exactly the same!

"Correct" is always to have respect for people - and a name is definitely a key part of a person. The "correct form" of address is the one each person chooses.

Blaming software and/or making allowances for it as being the reason behind incorrect addressing is not good enough: complain and the software writers will have to rethink. (As will the people who input the names...)

When I married I did not change my name. The name I had was not my father's name as I had rejected that as soon as I became an independent adult. My name is completely my name (my first and second baptismal names, with the second of those standing in as a 'surname').

I had to fight very hard to continue being called 'Ms Smith' (not my real surname, obviously). People refused to listen to me, and insisted on calling me 'Mrs DHName'. So I returned every letter, card, form, etc. which came addressed as such - marking the envelope 'Person not known'.

I also refused to respond when people called me 'Mrs Smith' to my face. If I was feeling really shirty, I would look around me and then look back at the person concerned and ask: "Are you speaking to me?" (full-on glare).

People soon gave up and now, after over thirty years, it would be unthinkable for anyone to call me 'Mrs Smith' (a lot of people don't even know I'm married).

Yes, it's important. It's your NAME and it means you; it's personal.

YADNBU.

I wouldn’t choose to be addressed this way, but it certainly doesn’t bother me to the point of reaction. And it does make me laugh how so many women today have got the full time job they fought for, the equal pay and the right to vote. But still do most of the house work, cooking and child care responsibilities. Taking yourself out to lunch, opening your own doors, buying your own everything and kidding yourselves you’re ball breakers demanding equality by getting all up in the air on Mumsnet about an initial! It’s literally laughable! And I know it’s not ‘everbody’ but it’s lots of women. Men must be laughing their asses off at us! OP - as someone said early on in this thread.... get a grip!

Well bugger I’ve been writing out my UK Christmas cards like this as I thought it was the correct thing to do—I bet I’ve been pissing off my cousins royally 😬 However, it’s custom in the US, where the other half’s family live, to forget the titles and write the woman’s name first (eg. Sally and Matthew Geek). Think I’ll do that for everyone next year.