To object to this form of address in the 21st century?

[clary]

We got a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs J Johnson. *

My name is not Jacinda nor Jennifer. My initial is in fact not J. My husband's name however is Jeremy.

Have I, having done something so bourgeois as get married, now lost the right to my first initial?

Our bank manages Mr J Johnson and Mrs C Johnson. Or I would also be fine with a simple Mr and Mrs Johnson. We are the only Mr and Mrs Johnson at this address.

I'm not going to complain to the school. But am I reasonable to be slightly seething?

*All names changed.

Yeah, cos you’re nothing more than your husband’s chattel, right? It’s antiquated and insulting. Remember when they used to use that form in the commentating at Wimbledon? I seemed old hat then, and that was 30 years ago!

My daughter has her dad's last name, and we have not been together since she was born.
I get called Mrs daughters second name, I complain everytime but supposedly it's just easier to address the parents in that way.
It makes me angry everytime, YANBU.

I'm a single parent and DC DF left before they started at the school they go to now. He isn't on any forms, they don't have his surname but I still get letters from the school addressed to Mr and Mrs Penguins. 😲

Years ago My late Mum wrote me a cheque with Mrs [DH's first initial] bellinisurge. She said that if I used my own initial, the bank would think I was divorced (shock horror). The bank wouldn't accept it because it wasn't my initial . She didn't do that again.

At least it was addressed to both of you - albeit in the old-fashioned way. I e-mailed a leading name in the travel industry with a complaint about a booking, & they replied to my husband.

It's a form letter, and you are being unreasonable. Surely the school doesn't have to or need to keep pernickety records of how people would like to be addressed.

I've always hated this, and my husband didn't understand why, until his uncle (an elderly priest, who I totally believe did this on purpose!) sent us a Christmas card addresses to Mr & Mrs Rosie Carpet. (My name isn't Rosie, but it was my name he used, obviously).
Many years of marriage later, it rarely happens except with schools. I challenge it every time, because it's such a basic, sloppy error.

It's a non issue. I wouldn't have a problem with it. I don't understand why anyone actually would.

I was just having a conversation at work about this the other day. I remember seeing post addressed to my parents with Mr & Mrs J Smith as a small child and asking why it was addressed like that. I mentioned to a (younger) colleague and we said it used to be the norm but it seems to have changed a lot now. I send letters out to clients and where the letter needs to be addressed to both I drop the initial. Not "correct" perhaps, but it makes me feel cringy to do it the other way

I didn't change my name upon marriage for a variety of reasons: because I already had a career under my current name; because the combination of myfirst hislast would sound dumb; because I was fond of my initials; and so on.

But the most important reason was because I didn't feel like marriage changed me more than it changed him.

I didn't want to feel like he retained his identity but mine was now as his wife. I love my husband and am utterly committed to our marriage, but I believe he loves me just as much and is just as committed as I am. So either we both changed it or neither of us did, and we chose the latter.

The reason married parents are addressed this way is due to the pupil database that most schools use - SIMS. When bulk mail merge letters are created, it pulls the information in this way.

I agree it’s rather antiquated, and hopefully won’t be a feature of the new SIMS version 8 expected later this year.

You tell school how you want to be addressed and they will change it on the system.

My MIL addresses mail to us like this. We got married many, many years into our relationship and I kept my last name. I find it so annoying.

I think YABU to be "seething! but not give a nicely worded complaint to the school.

On a slightly different note, women who object to their surnames coming down the patriarchal line should do what my sister did, she changed her last and made an entirely new last name using our mother's first and middle names.

I rather like the Icelandic way where you're so and so's son or daughter - Sally Magnusson should technically be Sally Magnusdottir. I assume that you could use your mother's name if you really wished.

Did nobody ever get the thrill of the first letter addressed to Mr and Mrs X XXXXX after their wedding? I think it is traditional and sweet. Having said that I still keep my maiden name for most things - just have one bank account and one credit card in my married name!

If it’s a computer generated letter then I’m afraid it’s the school sims system. Office will have input parents names and then the machine automatically generates the addressed too box. If they tick that box. Absolutely nothing you can do. I never used to tick the box

YANBU This sort of thing really boils my piss.

We had a card at Christmas addresses exactly the same. DH left it for me to open knowing full well it would wind me up! I thought it was from an elderly relative but it was my bloody SIL who is 32!!!!!

I've also just had a message asking if DH "took me somewhere nice" because I mentioned we'd been out to lunch today.

It's so patronising. Bitch, I took myself out to lunch!!

Have to agree. I am Ms L River, married to Mr Paul Smith (not real names obs.) :D It took me five years to persuade the tax office that they had given my national insurance number to a Mrs P Smith (who allegedly lived at the same address as me although I had never seen her).
Then the school did something similar. Had the last laugh though.... when they finally got the message that we have different surnames, they addressed the next letter to "Mr P Smith and Mrs Z Brown" ("Zoe Brown" being the name of the mother of my DC's best friend and a good friend of mine as well ) I went to school "very shocked" with "Mr Brown" and asked how long they had know about our partners affair and if it had affected our DC and so on. (We both knew there was no affair, but the school were mortified and we all got written apologies. They never got it wrong again.)

Did nobody ever get the thrill of the first letter addressed to Mr and Mrs X XXXXX after their wedding?

No, I was fucking raging when the bank, the minute they heard we are married, changed our account from Mr x and Ms Y to Mr and Mrs John Smith. Without any such requests from us. Wankers.

Did nobody ever get the thrill of the first letter addressed to Mr and Mrs X XXXXX after their wedding?

Nope. In fact it felt like a stark reminder that many of us are still stuck in the 50s.

Formally if you took his name on marriage you take all his name and this is a formally addressed letter .If you want to be known as your name or as Ms you need to let people know !

Inexpertjuggler . You need to grow up , she can solve very easily by telling all she doesn't want to be tagged as his wife !

We both both double barrelled and it mightily pissed me off when people would only use his name for me. I have had a letter addressed mr and mrs his initial and I nearly keeled over

I try to not take much notice now for the sake of my blood pressure.