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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:24

There is something about someone who would insist on 50/50 that would just put me off.

Nobody needs to “insist on 50/50* if you both turn up expecting to pay your fair share. Can anyone come up with a good reason why men should pay for all first dates or risk looking uninterested?

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 20:25

Because the woman will pay for the second and then all is equal in the world.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 20:25

No Purple i was saying that thats what men expect.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:26

No Purple i was saying that thats what men expect.

All men? Confused

If not removing body hair is your choice, you’re better sticking to that and meeting someone who is happy with that.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:27

Because the woman will pay for the second and then all is equal in the world.

Why should the man automatically pay first? There’s no good reason for that.

origamiunicorn · 15/02/2019 20:30

Nope, I don't feel a man should ever be "expected" to pay. It should always be dutch. If he wants to and offers, that's a lovely gesture but no way should he be judged for not offering.

I agree. If we are all supposedly about equality we should be splitting, unless the man (or woman) offers to pay.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 20:31

NAMALT!!!!!!!

ImNotKitten · 15/02/2019 20:31

Always Dutch. And not just offering either, insisting. Hate to feel indebted to anyone but especially a new man.

Nodrama999 · 15/02/2019 20:33

Go halves but also pay your share, I went on a date once and the guy ordered a really expensive cocktail and a chaser and said “I’ll get the next round”, I was on orange juice as I was driving, he knew this. I took revenge, asked the waiter whilst he sat down what the most expensive cocktail was and then on his round I said I’ll get a taxi instead and asked for the cocktail plus a liquorice sambuka chaser and left once I’d saw the barman had poured the drink. Idiot

HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 20:35

An old schoolfriend of mine is on a dating site By the amount of men who want to come to her home on the first date when shes only been online chatting or had a couple of chats on the phone there are a good proportion of men who dont even want to pay half.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 20:36

NoDrama im teetotal so that would irk me a bit too.

MamaDane · 15/02/2019 20:36

This thread makes me appreciate being a lesbian. It must be exhausting having to worry about stuff like this 😕.

(Hopefully this doesn't make me sound condescending as it's not my intent)

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 20:41

Does it matter? Surely as long as no one is being financially exploited it shouldn't matter. But you pose the question so I'll answer. Because still today it is mostly women who end up on the back foot financially. Whether that's because they are being paid less to do the same job, or because they take time out to have children. Even if the man becomes the SAHP, the woman still needs to give birth and take a period of maternity leave. So a woman needs to know that a man will not begrudge having to be the one to step up financially when the need arises.

I will always remember a thread on here about a woman who wanted to buy a baby sling. Her partner decided it wasn't necessary and so wouldn't allow her to take the money out of the joint account to buy it. And she didn't have enough in her own account (because he was still insisting on 50/50 bills even though she was on maternity) to get it herself. It was really sad. I mean how much is a baby sling? £20? Sorry but I just won't take the risk on a man like that.

CheerioHunter · 15/02/2019 20:45

Interesting to see that there hasn't been a single suggestion that the woman should pay or any hint she should insist to, even on the examples mentioning her prompting the date!

For what it's worth, I always insisted (politely) on paying, not out of any feeling that I'll get it to go further by doing so, but just always felt that's what the gent did

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:46

So a woman needs to know that a man will not begrudge having to be the one to step up financially when the need arises.

I’m sorry, but you’re reading far too much into who offers to pay on a first date if you think it tells you that...

Does it matter? Surely as long as no one is being financially exploited it shouldn't matter.

Yes, I think it does matter. It pisses me off when women are expected to behave in a certain way simply because they are women. I’m a hypocrite if I then expect men to do the same.

happinessischocolate · 15/02/2019 20:50

Expecting someone else to pay for you simply because they’re a man is cheap and entitled, no matter how much it is.

I'm not expecting him to pay "because he's a man" 😂

As I stated previously if I didn't fancy my date I'd insist on going Dutch, if I did fancy him and he didn't offer to pay I'd assume he didn't fancy me.

If a man is that tight that he doesn't want to treat someone he really fancies to a cuppa then he's not the man for me

I'm not single, been with my man for 5 years and yes he paid for the coffees on our first date.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 20:50

"It pisses me off when women are expected to behave in a certain way simply because they are women"

EXACTLY So this can be applied to all aspects and expectations involved in dating not just who pays.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:52

I did fancy him and he didn't offer to pay I'd assume he didn't fancy me

Do you think men think like that? If she doesn’t offer to pay, she doesn’t fancy me?

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:53

EXACTLY So this can be applied to all aspects and expectations involved in dating not just who pays.

helena you should go back and read my posts. I’m not sure where you’ve got the idea that I’ve said anything contrary to this. I’m sorry if you’re just agreeing with me and I’ve got the tone wrong.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 20:55

So a woman needs to know that a man will not begrudge having to be the one to step up financially when the need arises

And if you think you can tell that because he buys you dinner on thr first night, then you're flying high on cloud cuckoo land,

And no, I never needed to know on a first date if a man would step up financially. I especially never assumed I'd be on thr back foot financially and I was looking for a man who could sub me.

And if that's what your dates are about, then I'd suggest more focus on not putting yourself on thr back foot financially and less if you can find a man to bank roll you,

Sureyouwill · 15/02/2019 20:56

If he ain't paying he ain't getting the privilege of my company.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 20:58

If he ain't paying he ain't getting the privilege of my company.

What a loss for him.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 20:58

Do you think men think like that? If she doesn’t offer to pay, she doesn’t fancy me?

Oh no, I don't think it works the other way around, the assumption here is if a man fancies them he should pay for their company,,,,

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 21:07

Well, all the men I have dated have been happy and willing to pay on the first date and while they may not have worked out for other reasons, it has never ever been for financial reasons. So I am happy with the criteria I apply and that isn't going to change. I have also never fallen prey to a "cock lodger" and I never intend to! So nothing anyone says here is going to change my mind!

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