Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
Housingcraze · 15/02/2019 17:47

Always Dutch no matter if they offer.

ZenNudist · 15/02/2019 17:48

Dutch

Imustbemad00 · 15/02/2019 17:52

Looks like I’m the first to say this bit I’ve never paid half, or offered I don’t think Blush

Any date I’ve ever been on has been initiated by a man saying something like “can I take you/treat you for dinner” and at the end they’ve always just paid. There’s never been any awkwardness or discussion about it and I’m certain they’ve never been annoyed. I might have gone for my purse on occasion but always been told no.

To me, this is the done thing. That’s how I’ve been bought up, and hownthe men in my family are.

I’d be a bit Hmm if a date kept splitting bills with me there probably wouldn’t be many dates. It’s not about the money, it’s move a chivalry thing I think.

sonlypuppyfat · 15/02/2019 17:54

imustbemad00 I've never paid either

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 17:56

If honestly makes my toes curl the whole "treat " thing. That a man taking you out to dinner is some form of treat for you, like a little girl getting gifts,

I've been married s long time, but my mindset is, if we go out to dinner, we go as two adults, two equal adults.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2019 18:02

Chivalry thing I think that antiquated thing and the expectation that the man pays should have been consigned to the past decades ago.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 18:05

If someone doesn’t respect me enough to listen to me when I say that I want to pay my own way, that tells me they’re not worth seeing again.

theworldistoosmall · 15/02/2019 18:09

I also offer to pay half. It's a first date and there might not be a second date. So the way I see it is why should he have the financial burden of always paying.
Most of the time he insists on paying though.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 18:11

Can adults not have treats? How sad. As I said in my post, I'd be happy to treat my partner on occasion, as I would hope he would me. Nothing to do with being a little girl!

MamaDane · 15/02/2019 18:12

Whoever asks the person out pays imo.
Then again I'm a lesbian, so I don't get this whole "the man pays for everything" culture.

But yeah if my partner asks me out on a date (as she's done many times) she pays for everything and when I do it, I pay. 😁

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/02/2019 18:26

What you have experienced
I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.

Is very standard.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2019 18:31

I always wonder what happens on dates where the couple, male or female, is gay. Is it more relaxed re 50:50?

MamaDane · 15/02/2019 18:50

@HollowTalk Well I never paid for myself unless I asked the other woman out. If you invite someone on a date I feel like it's implied that you pay for their experience/food. 😊

ReverseSmileyFace · 15/02/2019 18:52

Pay for your own meal. I let a guy pay when I was 20 and he expected me to have sex with him. Big mistake. Always paid my own way after.

DP sometimes pays now but that's because I work p/t and do most childcare.

burrobirra · 15/02/2019 19:06

I always wonder what happens on dates where the couple, male or female, is gay. Is it more relaxed re 50:50?

I agree with MamaDane. From experience, the one doing the asking + picking the restaurant is usually also the one who pays.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 15/02/2019 19:37

I always wonder why sexism of this fashion is perfectly acceptable to some people.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 19:40

See I find this interesting. The view seems to be that in same sex couples, the one who asks pays. Yet in heterosexual couples there's so much of a drive to be seen as "equal" that it has to be 50/50. Interesting.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 15/02/2019 19:40

First date, definitely go Dutch I actually find it shocking that anyone would write off a date who didn’t offer to pay for the lot. I only know a couple of women like that and they seem to be persistently single.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now and we still either go Dutch or take it in turns to pay.

nugget900 · 15/02/2019 19:40

I personally think you should pay for what you order, and he should pay for what he orders, that way it's fair.

Original poster
Newbuild · 15/02/2019 19:43

I do find it a bit awkward when we’re out ‘double dating’ with couples who’ve been together years and are splitting the bill to the penny though, not sure why..
but yes I think offering to split is standard then for a first date, but in a lot of cases the date initiator ends up paying

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 19:46

I do find it a bit awkward when we’re out ‘double dating’ with couples who’ve been together years and are splitting the bill to the penny though, not sure why...

Does that often happen?

Bouchie · 15/02/2019 19:48

Dutch all the way. I will be advising my boys to swerve women that expect this outdated rubbish.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 19:49

@Newbuild

That's one of the issues for me. I would be inwardly cringing if we were sat there with another couple and my partner was working out what our halves were! How embarrassing.

Ultimately I'm not uptight about money so I wouldn't expect anyone I dated to be either. Taking turns is fine for me.

I think the specific question about first date feeds into that. It's the question of am I about to get involved with someone who thinks the way I do, or am I getting involved with someone who wants to split every penny.

Original poster
Newbuild · 15/02/2019 19:50

Yes! One of our DH uni friends particularly, we go out once a month with them and I dread the bill coming! One of my friends too but she’s always been tight and another couple but they don’t live together so I understand it a bit more but have been together years.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 15/02/2019 19:57

I think it should be split but the problem with this is would he apply it elsewhere. It doesnt neccessarily mean that he would split childcare/housework later down the line for instance.

Because a lot of men are very keen to take advantage of the bits of feminism that benefit them but develop a blind spot when it comes to the rest.

I once dated a man who was happy to go 50/50 on dates but also wanted household expenses to be split 50/50 even though i earned a lot less. So just because a bloke splits the cost of a date doesnt mean he believes in equality.

Also the high grooming expectations that are expected are proportionally unfair on poorer women.

So its probable that something in this area would have to give so the woman can go halves on the cost of the date. I wouldnt mind.................but would he?!!!