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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
happymummy12345 · 15/02/2019 14:53

I don't think the man should pay. In fact when my husband and I went on our first date I paid. Since then we've always taken it in turns to pay when we go out.

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 14:53

I am always Hmm when people say a man “insisted”.

I’m perfectly happy for a man to offer - and I decline that offer.

I don’t even mind if we have a few seconds of “no I’ll pay” / “no really”, though it’s tedious.

The only time a man has managed to “insist” with me, was when he snuck off to pay when I was in the loo - after I’d said 3x that we had to split it and I found anything else uncomfortable.

OLD, first date, I knew I’d be saying no to meeting again (no spark) but was fairly sure he’d ask (he did).

There was nothing positive in him totally disregarding my feelings. Any man “insists” on anything, they can get to fuck.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 15/02/2019 14:55

Also some men believe (wrongly) that if they’ve paid then their date somehow ‘owes’ them more of their time. Once a friend of mine went out for a coffee with a man as a first date, he paid for hers and the date was fine but she wasn’t really feeling it. She texted him afterwards to thank him but was honest that she didn’t see anything happening with them. He replied saying fine, but in that case could she paypal him the £3 for the coffee he got her!!!

Si ilar story on Twitter the other day, o my a gin and tonic and the man wanted her to put the £4+ into his account.

These men exist.
"But I paid for drinks..." Mentality is rife.
Listen to a few blokes talk amongst themselves..
"I bought her a meal and drinks and didn't even get a fuck out of it."
Hell, valentine's has just been, how many men went to effort in the hopes of sex Vs how many went to effort but for the sake of it?

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 14:55

Just to add - OLD takes away any question of “the person asking pays”. I don’t agree with that anyway, but specifically in OLD, that’s what you’re OLD for so I don’t think you can really see it the same way.

NameChanger08 · 15/02/2019 14:57

I would make sure I took enough money to cover my half of the bill. If he insisted on paying I'd accept but offer to pay next time so it's fair.

easyandy101 · 15/02/2019 14:59

If I've asked someone then i intend to pay

If they want to spilt then cool

RussellSprout · 15/02/2019 15:01

In my experience if it gets to the end of the meal and he's interested he'll offer to pay all, if he's not so interested he may only offer to pay half.

MrsTerryPratcett · 15/02/2019 15:05

I prefer the way DH and I did it. First date we got coffee, he paid, we went to a second hand bookshop, I bought him a book, we got ice cream, he paid, etc. Means less time staring at each other, nice way to do Dutch, and if you want to bail, each activity is short.

This extended to him taking us to Paris, me taking us to Venice etc.

For context, he is very generous, currently earns a LOT more than me and we always have the same spending money.

Lumene · 15/02/2019 15:06

No

Confusedfornow · 15/02/2019 15:12

Whoever does the asking also does the paying.

deadliftgirl · 15/02/2019 15:14

I personally think that its nice when a man treats a women he likes on a first date. I always dreaded the time when the bill came and how do you react? Its very awkward isn't it!

I do not mind paying if the guy is going towards the 50/50 split but most men on first dates I have had have always paid.

I used to have a boyfriend years ago that would always insist that we split everything 50/50! It was not just first, second dates etc, like even a lunch when we go out after 3 months of dating. Sometimes I had no money and he said to me that if I had an income (I was just let go from a job at the time) then we could double date with his couple friends but because I had no money we could not go anywhere at all. Then I felt really stupid as I had just spent a lot of money on him at Christmas just before I was let go from the job.

We ended up breaking up (not because of this) and then like 2 years later we got back into touch and he asked me to be open and honest and tell him what I did not like about our relationship. So I was honest and I said that its not that I expect him to pay for everything but his attitude towards money and going out was really off putting and made me feel like he didn't ever understand my circumstances or want to take care of me or treat me from time to time. After then he suddenly starting paying for every meal and dinner we had when we meet up even though we were not back together.

I am married now (to a different man) and me and my husband simply just take turns. If I have been paid recently I will pay for a dinner or popcorn at the cinema. If he has money he will pay, we really do not think about it. Most times my husband will pay for dinner but then I buy snacks and drinks in the cinema.

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 15:16

No, it’s not awkward at all when the bill arrives.

It’s only ever awkward if your date is an arse about it!

“Ah, here’s the bill, 50/50?” is not awkward at all.

gokartdillydilly · 15/02/2019 15:16

I went on a date with a friend of a colleague who set me up. We had dinner and laughed and laughed, but I was not remotely attracted to the man. At the end of the dinner the bill came and I got my purse out, and he flatly refused to all my insisting to pay my fair share. He was vehement. Once outside I started to say goodbye and thank you, and he said, 'Aren't I coming back to yours then?' Errr no not on your fucking life mate said I. His response: 'But I paid for dinner!'

TulipsTulipsTulips · 15/02/2019 15:20

I would offer to go halves. If he agreed then I’d question whether he’s really that interested.

youknowmedontyou · 15/02/2019 15:20

In my experience if it gets to the end of the meal and he's interested he'll offer to pay all, if he's not so interested he may only offer to pay half

So if the woman is not interested she shouldn't accept?

You pay half each, it's old fashioned and outdated that the man should pay. I'd be seriously pissed off if a man insisted he made as a "I'm interested" sign. Get lost, you don't buy me and we will see if we are both interested!

BeanTownNancy · 15/02/2019 15:21

My (now-)husband asked me out and "insisted" on paying. I didn't want to insult him by turning down his generous offer, so I "insisted" on paying for drinks.

He probably paid a bit more than me, but he's the one who arranged the date, and at least I made an effort.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 16:01

I would go prepared to pay half but yes, I'm not going to lie, I would be more impressed by someone who insisted on paying. In fact someone who over time always insisted on 50/50 would piss me off in the end! I would be perfectly happy to pay for the second date. Taking turns is fine. I don't expect any man to "keep" me financially. But someone who's not prepared to treat the other person from time to time is not someone I want to be with personally (I would also treat them too). Treating each other is nice. Treating every date like a business transaction isn't!

ilovepixie · 15/02/2019 16:30

I would offer to go Dutch but the man always insisted he would pay. If I saw him again I would pay on the second date.

HeresMe · 15/02/2019 16:32

The problem with saying the person who instigated or asked for the date pays is it's usually the man so they end up paying.

I'm happy to pay and expect nothing in return.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 16:58

I agree with @TinkerMonkey The internet is littered with tales of how men message their date to ask for the money back, when the woman says they don't want to see them again.

Personally, I think the person who asks the person out should pay. But if people are doing OLD, then the 2 people should pay for their own IMO. If it always has to be the man, the men doing OLD would be permanently broke!

If I was not interested in the man and knew I didn't want to see him again, I would INSIST I paid my own way. I would not be beholden to anyone.

It's a special kind of cunt though, who asks a woman for the four quid he spent on a G & T (or the £3.50 he spent on a coffee) !!! Confused These women definitely dodged a bullet!

maximumcarnage · 15/02/2019 17:07

I've always offered to pay, I have a bit of an old fashioned mentality I suppose. But it's never with the intention of getting something from it. The way I look at it is if I have enjoyed the privilage of good female company I feel offering to pay is an expression of appreciation. That being said if she insisted on paying half I have no issue with that. In fact on one occasion the female company insisted on paying for everything, that was a new one of me.

As for guys requesting money back after being turned down for future dates? Weird. I have never encountered this before, save for news stories. So, so weird.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 17:15

I'd always insist on going Dutch in a first date, after that happy to take turns if it went further. I'm very far from the little woman, and certainly don't expect to be "treated" to dinner on a first date due to my gender.

For me equality really is all encompassing.

Mummytumm · 15/02/2019 17:37

I would never expect the man to pay.
I went on a 1st date where, whilst eating, the man said "I'm paying for this!" I said no, we'd go halves. After we settled up he said it would have really put him off me if I'd let him pay for it all!!! I declined a second date, for numerous reasons...

SilverySurfer · 15/02/2019 17:43

Don't date these days but when I did, I would always insist on paying half. If the relationship continued we would more likely pay every other date. I've never understood women who think the man should pay - it's a really antiquated.

sonlypuppyfat · 15/02/2019 17:47

It's been a long long time since I dated. But I've never bought a man a drink

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