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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:

MamaDane · 18/02/2019 14:28

@PBo83 👍 Very nice comment and how (in my opinion) a relationship works. It is nice to treat each other, whether it's a meal at a restaurant, a gift, a video game, whatever. 😊

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 14:35

@MamaDane Thanks so much for your comment, that actually means a lot to me.

It's strange to read that, after all this time of doing my best to be a 'half decent bloke/husband', that, in the eyes of some, I'm apparently some sort of horrible misogynistic control freak because I like to (sometimes) pay for dinner.

outpinked · 18/02/2019 14:38

I don’t expect a man to pay but I went on a few first dates when I separated from exH and they all always insisted on paying, none of them would accept a dime.

Not sure why they did it but I didn’t question the free drinks .

Asta19 · 18/02/2019 14:44

@PBo83

Ignore the negative comments! Most of us far prefer being in the type of relationship you have with your wife.

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 14:53

@Asta19

Thanks for that. Being a man on Mumsnet is a scary thing at times, I log on, ten minutes later, I feel like I'm potentially the worst human on earth!

As it happens, because context is important, the reason I am here in the first place is because I have no biological children but am a stepdad to a 12yo girl (and have been for 6ish years). I'm not naturally 'parental' and really didn't, for want of a better term, want to fuck it up!

So far I am, apparently, doing a good job so all is good in the world!

MerlinStevens · 18/02/2019 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 15:18

And here we have it again, turned around to what thr man wants and expects. This thread is about what women want and expect.

iloveruby · 18/02/2019 15:35

I'm embarrassed to admit but if a man let me go 1/2 on a date I wouldn't be very impressed. I find it really hard to reconcile with my feminist beliefs - I know that logically it shouldn't matter who pays but I suppose I equate it to making an effort?

If they had planned a lovely date which didn't cost anything then I would be equally happy but take me to a restaurant and then go half? No thank you.

Mmmmdanone · 18/02/2019 15:42

This wasn't a date but an old school friend I got back in contact with at a reunion (male) insisted we go out for lunch one day as we work near each other. He really totally insisted. Bit weird I thought ( both married) but I went anyway. We got a £10 lunch deal and a drink each which would have brought it to about £13 each. At the end he put £10 on the table. I was an idiot and paid the £16 + tip. I was shocked. He was really well off too whereas I am not. I "unfriended" him in Facebook after that.

CallipygianFancier · 18/02/2019 15:51

And here we have it again, turned around to what thr man wants and expects. This thread is about what women want and expect.

What women want and expect clearly varies from woman to woman, and men will have varying attitudes too.

The sharing of them does not invalidate those that differ - but it may help to understand where there's a big gap in expectations, and such a gap is only going to lead to disappointment.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 15:54

The sharing of them does not invalidate those that differ - but it may help to understand where there's a big gap in expectations, and such a gap is only going to lead to disappointment

Sure, but the poster didn't balance it by even giving a nod to what women want, he simply posted what he wants and expects, before attacking everyone.

Yesicancancan · 18/02/2019 15:55

Wtf why?

CallipygianFancier · 18/02/2019 16:00

PBo83 posted a perfectly reasonable viewpoint.

His needling about people getting wound up about the word "treat" was clearly right on target...

HelenaDove · 18/02/2019 16:33

@PBo83 Thats basically me and DH too and we have been together for 27 years.

Que0 · 18/02/2019 16:42

PBo was just giving his perspective and what on earth is there to object to in what he says? Some people’s here will find issue with a blank wall.

Asta19 · 18/02/2019 16:42

I think you're reading too much into his post Bluntness. He was just giving the perspective that he always paid on the first date, and why that was. I think it's a valid viewpoint from a male member. Clearly his DW was happy with it as she married him! Likewise he said they "treat" each other. I have adult DC and sometimes I will treat them to dinner out and sometimes they treat me. It's just a word. I think people are attaching a meaning to it that just isn't there.

PBo83 · 19/02/2019 09:04

Thanks everyone.

And here we have it again, turned around to what thr man wants and expects. This thread is about what women want and expect.

We both generally expect the same thing (which is to split the bill 50/50). If either of us wants to pay (yes, as a 'treat') then neither of us are going to turn around and argue (why would you?) as it's meant as a nice gesture.

Obviously this is in a marriage. Even on a first date though, if the woman had wanted to pay half then I'm not going to argue about it (maybe one "I really don't mind, I've had a lovely evening") but I'm not going to 'insist' until I'm blue in the face. To be honest, in my experience, it's never got near the insisting point anyway as I'm sure most people accept the offer in the manner in which it is intended.

PBo83 · 19/02/2019 14:33

PBo was just giving his perspective and what on earth is there to object to in what he says?

@Quo0 - Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'm going to find out what was so objectionable about my post

insideoutsider · 20/02/2019 10:03

@PBo83
Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'm going to find out what was so objectionable about my post

There was nothing objectionable about your post.

It's a strange world here where a man comes and used foul words against woman and it's okay; but another man comes and talks about 'treating' his wife and he's a demon.

@Sureyouwill. There is one kind of man that is my worst nightmare - and he's on this thread. I could never date them.
The kind of men I admire are nothing like this. And yes, they want to pay on the first date.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/02/2019 10:43

I’d be quite happy to pay my half but would look more favourably on a man who offered to pay. Mainly because in my last relationship I was the sensible one with money and got left with ex’s debts and things like that. I’d want to know a new man was willing to care for me, even though I know logically this doesn’t make a difference about who pays for the first meal.

HelenaDove · 20/02/2019 22:42

YY Tumbleweed. Imodium Man was in debt too

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