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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
nameuseroriginal · 15/02/2019 21:08

I would only let a man pay my half if I had the intention of seeing him again.

If I wasn't interested in a second date I would point blank refuse to let him pay.

CharlyAngelic · 15/02/2019 21:10

Not this old chestnut again!

happinessischocolate · 15/02/2019 21:40

Do you think men think like that? If she doesn’t offer to pay, she doesn’t fancy me?

No, they're are more likely to think that if the woman refuses to let them pay that she doesn't fancy them though.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 21:42

No, they're are more likely to think that if the woman refuses to let them pay that she doesn't fancy them though.

So in what way is your expectation that the man pays on a first date not solely based upon the fact he is a man?

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 21:51

Oh FGS, seriously this drive from some people to prove “equality” is really tiresome. Purple, we are allowed our opinion. Just because it doesn’t fit with your feminist viewpoint, doesn’t mean it’s not “allowed”. I like old fashioned! If I have heavy bags to carry I like my man to carry them for me. If he comes home from work tired and stressed I will give him a massage. If that makes me “1950’s” so be it. I really don’t care. Not everyone needs everything to be split straight down the middle.

Jimdandy · 15/02/2019 22:16

Logically I agree you should go halves, but it’s somehow deep rooted in me that the man should pay on the first date if he’s asked you. (I don’t expect internet dates to pay)

Tutlefru · 15/02/2019 22:18

For me the person who does the asking out pays. Be it man or woman.

After that, halves is fair enough.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 22:33

Oh FGS, seriously this drive from some people to prove “equality” is really tiresome

Damn those women wanting not to be treated a certain way solely on the basis of their sex. Hmm

Of course you are “allowed” your opinion. People are allowed to disagree with you. This is a discussion forum. At least you acknowledge that you expect men to pay because they’re men. Other posters are going through all sorts of contortions to say they’re not sexist when the arguments they are making to justify their position show that they are.

givemesteel · 15/02/2019 22:37

I would expect the exchange to go like this if we mutually wanted to see each other again -

Date - I'll get this

Me - no, no, we'll go halves

Date - no don't be silly I'll get it

Me - oh no I insist

Date - I insist more

Me - oh that's very kind of you, thank you

If I didn't want to see them again I'd be more insistent about splitting it.

If I wanted to see them again and they took up my offer of splitting it then I'd take that as a sign that either they weren't that in to me or they were a bit tight, neither of which are great.

But I haven't dated in the internet dating era so I imagine dinner as a first date is less common these days.

HateIsNotGood · 15/02/2019 22:40

This sort of "man pays" stuff has been considered really stupid by increasingly large amounts of men and women since at least I started 'dating' in the 1970s.

Anyone that believes it's a prerogative in 2019 must surely be in a 'minority' by now? And so I'll just let that 'minority' get on with their lifestyle choices and let them put up with the negatives and perceived positives of their choice.

Mamabear12 · 15/02/2019 22:41

The man should pay. After all, they are usually the one asking you out. Unless you are asking, then I would offer! But if a man asked me to dinner or the movies I expect him to pay! Otherwise, it’s a bit silly. I am not expecting the most expensive place etc. But surely if someone asks you out, then they should pay. Also, I feel if a man likes you and wants to impress, he should be wanting to pay! I have never been on a date where the man asked me to pay half. And I’ve always been asked out on more then one date 😉 I’m now married and my husband of course paid (our first date was a simple coffe, second was a walk in the park.). I think it was our third or 4th date he actually took me out to dinner and yes, I did treat him eventually (when I suggested a place and said let me treat you!). And now we are married with two kids and he supports us etc. I have some friends who went Dutch, and their husbands don’t want to support them while staying home w kids. They want them returning to works ASAP (even though my friends want to stay a bit longer w kids). I think it depends what you want in the future.

Jsmith99 · 15/02/2019 22:42

Dutch all the way.

We are either equal to men or we’re not. If we are, we should pay our own way. Full stop.

Women who expect men to pay for them on dates and attempt to justify their behaviour by claiming to be ‘old fashioned’ or ‘romantic’ can’t then complain when men won’t treat them as equals at other times.

OftenHangry · 15/02/2019 22:44

We are strong, independent women.
Unless we are on a date...
🤷‍♀️

I always went 50-50.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 22:56

I don’t know where you have been dating hate, but I started dating in the late 80s and it was unheard of for the man to not pay! I think you are either exaggerating or in a totally different area to the rest of us.

@purple, fair point! I will openly admit to being “old fashioned” I am nearly 50! I’ve been on my own for certain periods of time over the years and I can do all my own diy, decorating, even certain aspects of plumbing. I won’t touch electrics as that scares me a bit but everything else I’ll have a go at. But I guess there are certain “chilvarous” traits I still like to see in a man. It doesn’t mean I’m the little woman who can’t take care of myself. I most certainly can. But yes. It’s nice to be treated as “special”. I’m too old and set in my ways to apologise for that viewpoint! I do get the whole “equals” thing but if I treat my partner as special and he treats me the same doesn’t that also make us equals? Do you see what I mean?

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 23:10

I do get the whole “equals” thing but if I treat my partner as special and he treats me the same doesn’t that also make us equals? Do you see what I mean?

Anyone that starts a sentence with “I do get the equals thing but..” usually means they don’t get what it means to be equal.

I treat my female friends to coffees, dinner etc because they are special to me. They do the same for me. It’s nice. That isn’t the same as expecting a man to pay on a first date to show he’s properly interested in his date.

O4FS · 15/02/2019 23:19

I’d offer to go 50:50 and if I didn’t want to see him again I’d insist on it.

If he offered to pay and I wanted to see him again, i’d let him but insist on paying next time.

If I’m being honest, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t offer to pay for it all at least. But only because I’d be looking out for indicators that he had a generous nature - and isn’t tight. I cannot stand tight people and find it very unattractive in a potential partner. I’m a generous person and would want my partner to be as well.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2019 23:22

I'm older than you @Asta19 and have never expected men to offer to pay. Not in the 1970s or at any time since.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 23:28

But then in my posts i’ve Never said he should pay to show he’s “properly interested” i’ve Said he should do it as a nice thing to do. If you look back at my posts i’ve Said, if either of us doesn’t want a second date then yes we should go halves. If both of us do want a second date then I will pay for the next one. I mean yes you can argue back that it’s also a nice thing to do for the woman to pay first but then we’re just going back and forth on the same point! As I say, in a lot of respects I like more “traditional” roles for men and women. Not in all areas but some certainly. I know that doesn’t fit in with today’s society/view points. But I do think I am allowed to feel that way if I want to. If someone wants to take that choice away from me I would find that distinctly unfeminist!

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 23:31

Oh fgs, I have never in all my life “expected`’ the man to pay. They just have! I will always offer, they say no it’s on me. So I accept. I’m not gonna argue back and forth over who’s paying!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/02/2019 01:07

I don’t even mind if we have a few seconds of “no I’ll pay” / “no really”, though it’s tedious.

and

@MamaDane - it's not always straightforward when two women are out for a meal or refreshments together, as can be seen in this documentary Grin Grin Grin

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 02:14

One of the nicest dates I was on was where I was brought to Gauchos. We went in and were given the drinks menu. There was nothing on it cheaper than £10. I was trying desperately to appear like I could afford such a drink, so suggested water. Shock My date completely poo poohed the idea and suggested various cocktails for me. We later had wine and steak and he paid while I was in the ladies. I have no idea what the bill came to but I'm guessing £200 minimum. It was lovely to feel so well looked after and that he genuinely valued my company. He also paid for a hotel that night, but that brings me into tart territory lol, so I won't go there. Grin
We had a second date also.
Then I got drunk one night and texted him that I loved him. Haven't heard from him since. Grin

But yes, for me it's a big turn on if a man treats you well. I can not stand skinflints. It's possibly my biggest turn off in a man.

He was loaded anyway, but it's still nice to be spoiled a bit. After all, I had spent hours dolling myself up to look good, so I had put effort in too. If that makes me a 1950's dinosaur, so be it. Still single mind you. Maybe I need to start forking out lol.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 02:17

I also used to live in Italy and some posher restaurants back in the stone age when I was young would give the man a priced menu and the woman an unpriced menu. I remember displaying my level of class on one occasion by asking why they didn't have prices on and then probably loudly asking what was the cheapest thing on his menu and I'd get that. The concept went over my head at 20.

HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 16/02/2019 03:45

I would probably be more impressed with a man who was generous and offered to pay, than one who told me we were splitting the bill. But I definitely wouldn't have written a man off for only wanting to pay for his own share.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 05:33

Oh FGS, seriously this drive from some people to prove “equality” is really tiresome

One of the more depressing things I've read on here. This "tiresome" drive for equality has given us snd our daughters so many benefits as women, from better pay, to more career opportunities and employment rights, , to better health care, to even making rape in marriage illegal, and yes even to simply having a voice. It's a shame you find it so very tiresome.

And as we are the same age, I can assure you your age is not to blame. In fact it's the opposite, your age should give you enough insight into how it used to be, to understand why as women we fight for this very "tiresome" equality.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 05:42

Equality is not picking up the bill. That's fuckery where I come from.