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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
PrismGuile · 17/02/2019 12:32

@WeeTinkerMonkey I agree, I used to manage a bar and the number of men I'd hear calling women users and slags because they'd bought her dinner and then she wasn't interested: 'I bet she does it with a different man every week the scrounged'.

Well.... don't offer to pay then. Easy.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 12:47

I actually Just asked my husband a wee while ago if he expected sex after the date and read out what weetinker had said. Husband said no, he didnt expect sex and that he organised the date as something which he hoped I would like

Yeah, cause he's gonna tell you that truth isn't he...

"Well actually love, I just did it to try and impress you and show you how much I could spoil you so you'd let me in your knickers."

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 13:01

Yeh of course he would have told me. I know my husband, remember you don't!
You need to open your mind and hang around with nicer people it seems

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 13:01

You can't seem to understand not all men think horribly...like you

JRMisOdious · 17/02/2019 13:09

So long since I had a first date, think I probably got there in a sedan chair ...... but cranking my mind back, my expectation was that the person who did the inviting paid. If we met again thereafter, happy to go 50/50.

Que0 · 17/02/2019 13:53

WeeTinker - can you not see that the fact you’ve come into a mainly female forum and typed out the c word, “bitch” etc speaks volumes about the kind of man you are. It’s creepy actually.

Not all men are equal, clearly,

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 14:32

mainly female forum

There was me thinking it was a parenting forum.. what with the 'by parents for parents' have they no changed it to 'by females, for females'?

That'd be weird seeing as one of the founders was a man.

As for language... "Bitch" was used in a direct quote, I don't remember where cunt was used. I do like that the word tho and use it a lot.

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2019 14:39

Plenty of non parents here. MNHQ have made it clear all welcome as long as they’re not arseholes (I paraphrased a bit there).

Squickety · 17/02/2019 14:41

DH and I met internet dating. He said one of the reasons he liked me was I insisted on going halves on our first date, he was fed up of taking girls on dates and always being expected to pay!

Que0 · 17/02/2019 15:04

Wee - You know full well that this is a mainly female forum, yet you come on with language like “f bitch”, “c” - claiming to be quoting on behalf of men in general. Er, no, only men of your ilk. You tell a poster that her DH must have wanted to “get into her knickers” because he spent money on her on a date. How pathetic is that? And you manage to bring porn into the discussion, as if that had anything to do with the price of fish. It’s a joke.

Yes we’re all aware that men talk differently among themselves thanks. Newsflash - so do women! Yes we know many / most men watch porn. DH may well do, but I don’t need to know and nor does he need to know what I may or may not watch. Nobody is the mind police and that’s private.

What I can say to you, and you may find this shocking, is my own experience - DH always made an effort, picked me up, took me home and he’s a gentleman which is something I respect in a man. He would not come on this kind of site and use your kind of language in case it offended anyone. He can do what he likes with his friends, and he’s an ex- marine so they definitely have their moments, but he has a certain standard of behaviour, as do nearly all men I know. Nor did he ever equate paying for dinner with “getting in my knickers” - this is because he was not 12 and actually had a brain.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 15:08

Que0 your husband sound like mine :) gents!

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 15:22

And you manage to bring porn into the discussion

In response you're line about "seedy"

Here's a question.

I'll use simple language for you..

Person A is expected to pay
Person B expects person A to pay.

Person B expects it simply because A is male.
How would it be if Person B expected certain behaviour from Person A based on skin colour instead of gender?

No one on here has yet come up with an answer as to why one gender is expected to pay for the other beyond 'Manners'

That's sexism.
Expecting one gender to behave in a certain way based purely on gender.
Now it may be acceptable sexism, but it's still sexism. Replace gender with any other attribute, skin colour, nationality etc and somehow it wouldn't be as acceptable.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 15:31

But thats not the question and no one does expect someone to pay based on their skin colour. It's a question about the man paying because traditionally a man would have paid. But obviously times have changed and I think from the majority of answers here it seems like women would at least offer to pay half. If i had organised the date my husband did, theres no way id have accepted an offer of paying half. Id pay it app myself just as my husband did. And i paid the next date. You have a chip on your shoulder, I wonder if you are divorced and play the hard done by man. That's the way it comes across.

Que0 · 17/02/2019 15:35

If people want to see more “traditional” dating behaviours as sexism, then that’s up to them and the good news is, people tend to attract like-minded types, so I don’t see the problem. All relationships have unique sexual, behavioural, emotional dynamics and I don’t see how there can be any right or wrong with that.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 15:45

It's a question about the man paying because traditionally a man would have paid.

Sounds like cherry picking the bits of feminism you like as long as its a 'tradition' or 'good manners'

Still doesn't answer why the man is expected to pay. It's 2019, we should all be equals, yet some people don't want to be equals because they realise it benefits them not to be.
Until they wake up, realise they're holding things back just as much as some men, the patriachy is here to stay.

Que0 · 17/02/2019 15:49

But how and why would anyone else’s dating behaviours or preferences bother you?

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 16:20

But i said this But obviously times have changed and I think from the majority of answers here it seems like women would at least offer to pay half. Ie meaning it's not expected any more. Women earn money too and I also said If I'd organised the same date I would have paid.

So now whose cherry picking?

Sureyouwill · 17/02/2019 17:11

I suspect @WeeTinkerMonkey didn't manage to get into a few knickers despite having bought them a G&T Grin

HelenaDove · 17/02/2019 17:27

The thing is, it's one thing for a man to offer, or try to insist, it's a whole other ballgame to accept.

If people want to play silly games perhaps they should stick to Monopoly and stay out of the dating pool

i wouldnt have the time or the patience for this kind of shitty petty game playing.

Asta19 · 17/02/2019 17:35

What I am struggling with here, is we are talking about one date. One. None of us are saying “I want to find a man to support me for life”. Most of us have said that if we didn’t want to see the guy again then yes we would pay our share. Additionally we have said that if things had gone well, we would then pay for the second date.

When I was OLD I rarely had dinner on a first date anyway. Initially it would usually be a bar where rounds would be bought. Later I changed that to daytime coffee (due to too many creeps thinking they could get me drunk and I’d sleep with them!). Now I don’t OLD at all. Interestingly enough, once I insisted it would be daytime coffee and not evening drinks I got a lot less interest! But I digress.

When I was meeting men the old fashioned way, there would already be a spark, that’s why we were having the date. So it wasn’t a “do we like each other” scenario, it was a “getting to know each other better” scenario. Which yes was then likely followed by more dates. The people insisting they want to pay half on date one are saying they do so to establish equality in the relationship. Fair enough. I also want equality but on a taking turns basis, not on a split everything down the middle basis! I find that annoying and petty! So, by seeing if the man offers to pay I’m establishing whether his mindset is more like mine, or more like “continuous halves” people. I had an ex who loved Indian food but I’m not keen on it. When he took me for dinner it was often Indian. I would have begrudged paying half the bill for food I wasn’t even keen on. But it was swings and roundabouts because when I took him for dinner and paid, it was food more to my liking. We were both happy with that.

I do have one question for those who insist on paying half on date one. What happens on date 2 or 3 or 4? I mean either you have to carry on with continually paying half (and I’ve said why I dont like that) or you then switch over to taking turns, in which case why was the stand on date 1 even necessary? I honestly don’t see a huge difference in accepting a mans offer to pay on the 1st date or the 2nd.

HelenaDove · 17/02/2019 17:37

My first date with DH was a walk by Gosfield Lake in April 1992

HelenaDove · 17/02/2019 17:39

Tinker i take it you wouldnt mind a woman foregoing a leg wax or wearing an old dress so that she can afford to pay half

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 17:52

sureyouwill yep I agree and what he doesnt realise is woman can sense the desperation a mile off. Maybe that's why they dont lead to date 2 or a sex Grin

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 17:53

HelenaDove

I don't think any woman I've ever dated wore a new dress or the had her legs waxed for a first date.
Last date I went on she rocked up in overalls and Doc martens, she was in the middle of decorating and nipped out to have lunch with me.
1 kid and 15 years later we split up.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 18:17

Some very startling thoughts being articulated here.

I don't doubt for one second what wee tinker has said is not the truth, he will have witnessed this, but I strongly agree it's not thr majority of men who behave like this.

As also don't doubt for one moment there are women out there who spend money they can't afford on a leg wax and a new dress for a first date, but I also strongly think this is not thr majority either.