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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
Singletomingle · 17/02/2019 01:08

Sureyouwill is that just first date or every date, as I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've had a date even suggest we split the bill. That includes weekly dates with my ex wife of 13 years.

ilovesooty · 17/02/2019 01:16

Single I wouldn't bother asking. Anyone who swerves a date with her probably has a lucky escape. Grin
Plenty of women who aren't freeloaders with an inflated idea of their value.

HelenaDove · 17/02/2019 01:53

i really really want a woman to go on First Dates with unshaved legs.

all the men in the room (most of whom would swear blind they believe in equality and splitting costs) would either turn and say WTF laugh or try really hard to hide their distaste.

Any single journos up for this.? There would be a very interesting article written afterwards im sure.

marcopront · 17/02/2019 05:10

If he was a waiter and I was a banker I wouldn't be dating him.

So you expect a man to support you?

Swizzlefizzlefoo · 17/02/2019 06:18

If there is mutual attraction and it goes well, I think it's one of those social niceties which tells me the man is not dating indiscriminately, that he likes me and that we want to do it again and then I'll pay.

Relatively simple stuff.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 06:31

@Sureyouwill

What if the man wouldn't pay your half?

Que0 · 17/02/2019 08:11

“I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've had a date even suggest we split the bill. That includes weekly dates with my ex wife of 13 years.”

Well how can you split the bill with your own wife? Confused Surely its all one and the same by that point?

“So you expect the man to support you?”

I know this wasn’t aimed at me Marco, but yes, at some points - ie. if you have a baby - you should absolutely have the expectation that the man should support you. If you have 4 DC with 2 year gaps, as we did, that may pan out to be for a long time. If DH had expected me to have 4 kids and rush back to work after 6 months or whatever after each one, because we’re all “equal” after all, then I wouldn’t have had them and I would not have married a man with that mindset.

MamaDane · 17/02/2019 08:33

I rarely offer to pay for dates because I'm in an established relationship where my DP (also a woman) earns 5x what I earn.

I don't understand going Dutch in a relationship. Confused

Yikes, we wouldn't be able to go to many places based on my income only. If I had to pay for myself, my DP would be going without me Grin.

I think it's petty to count every time someone pays for another, in a relationship. Honestly. Doesn't matter if it's a male/female female/female or male/male relationship. This isn't how a relationship works. My DP may pay for more things but I literally do all of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning.

Putting things 50/50 in every way seems ridiculous. As long as you both contribute in a relationship.

That said, I do think whoever asks a person out should pay for the experience/food. So if I ask my DP it means I have saved up a bit of money to treat her.

spinabifidamom · 17/02/2019 08:39

On my first date, we split the bill in half. We went out for a milkshake and cake at a coffee shop not far away. I think I contributed a pound at the end.
Communication is a two way street. If you organised the date, then you should ideally cough up the money. Similarly if he decided to treat you he needs to foot the bill himself. If I were you I would discuss all of this beforehand to avoid misunderstanding and confusion.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 09:01

The thing is, it's one thing for a man to offer, or try to insist, it's a whole other ballgame to accept.

On a first date, demand some respect, be an equal and pay your way.

MamaDane · 17/02/2019 09:32

Why are you not a respected individual just because someone pays for a meal? Surely you can be equals and treat a person/be treated on a date. Hmm

I think you guys overreact on this. 😕

Que0 · 17/02/2019 09:32

I think you’re reading far too much into it tbh, Bluntness. I buy friends dinner or drinks all the time. It’s just a gesture. It doesn’t mean you don’t respect them - money has nothing to do with such things.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 09:39

Bluntness100

The thing is, it's one thing for a man to offer, or try to insist, it's a whole other ballgame to accept.

On a first date, demand some respect, be an equal and pay your way.

Ridiculous. My husband organised our first date, the whole thing was a suprise. He picked me up, drove us to a hotel bar for some drinks, had pre ordered a taxi to take us 15 miles away to a very fancy restaurant where we had another pre dinner drink and then were seated for the best meal ever! We then got a taxi back to our town and had some drinks out. At dinner there was no way he'd let me pay and if i tried to "demand respect" by paying my way (whatever the fuck that really means) he'd have been put out and offended he couldn't just pay. My husband loved wining and dining me, he is very generous. And of course I paid for dates myself refusing him to pay as well. To me that Ames sense, pay date about. I can just imagine you sitting there, ruining the mood like "no, I am an EQUAL dont you know? I will pay my way"
Jeez.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 09:57

Whisky2014

And I can imagine that any bloke after going to all that trouble would have been slagging you off if there had been no second date or a shag.

"Fucking bitch, I spent £100s on that date and she just sat there and let me pay, money grabbing cunt. Women, they're all the same"

How much did his wallet appeal to you? If he could only afford a bag of chips and a jumbo sausage from the local chippy, would you have been so impressed and still with him? Doubt it..

Plays a part in men's belief women only interested in pay packets. no wonder so few male waiters are dating female bankers....

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 10:03

Nah, he isn't like that doesn't think badly about people in that way at all. And he is generally just lovely and we didn't shag that first date! We also didn't arrange one until the next day. We parted ways on the first date night, in the morning he messaged me saying what a great time he had and I replied with the same and then later that day he messaged to ask when we could do it again.
Not all men are arseholes, you know?

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 10:04

Oh and to this How much did his wallet appeal to you? If he could only afford a bag of chips and a jumbo sausage from the local chippy, would you have been so impressed and still with him? Doubt it

Actually, sounds good! Fucking love a jumbo sausage :) i had no idea how much money he had!

Que0 · 17/02/2019 10:05

It’s. Shame you have such a low, seedy view of men WeeTinker. Is that how the men you know speak? I really hope you realise that’s not normal, not by a long, long stretch. I’ve never in my life heard a man use that language about women.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 10:09

Yep, I agree que0. They wouldnt be men i hang around with. Ive never heard any male friend talk like that. What they have done is talk about a date in a really excited, genuine way.

WeeTinkerMonkey · 17/02/2019 10:32

Is that how the men you know speak? I really hope you realise that’s not normal, not by a long, long stretch. I’ve never in my life heard a man use that language about women.

How often have you been with a gang of all men? Never, because you've been there.

I'm a 40+ man that lived those years in manufacturing workshops and offices, 90% male, hundreds and hundreds of men.
The vast majority, when no women present, speak exactly like that. From the owner of the company,
"Bitch only married me to get half my house and company then fucked off with some one else"
All the way down to the shop floor,
"I fucking paid for her to get in, bought her a drink and she just fucked off, bitch"
And everyone in between.
It's not even just dating, groups of men sat at tables will talk differently amongst themselves to if a woman's there. Swearing is limited, pc attitudes adopted, facades put on. Wait till they're alone, then you'll see the real them.

If you think men don't think that way, you've been lucky to have either not met many, or the ones you have have all been on best behaviour. Denying men's overall sweetness and attitude to women is impossible, please do go look at some porn sites and the categories they have, you think that's all watched by 1 or 2 guys you've never met? Nope.. that nice man you speak to on the bus every morning, he pulls his pisser watching incest rape porn.
The postie that smiles and waves, he likes Bukake.
The nice lad that delivers your shopping... Well you don't want to know what catergoies he clicks through...

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 10:38

Some men do, theres no denying that but alot of men actually dont! You've been in all male manufacuring environment. If youre working with a mix youre probably more aclimatised to being more respectful about women.
Reading your posts, you're not the kind of man I would associate with. And btw if a man was complaining about spending money and didnt get a shag after it, I'd know i definitely made the right call ;) I'd assume if he chose to spend £100s he could afford it regardless if he got a shag or not...

Que0 · 17/02/2019 10:50

I don’t doubt many men watch porn, but that’s not what we’re talking about really WeeTinker, is it? I don’t care how old you are or how many “manufacturing offices” you’ve worked in. You don’t speak for all men and clearly only mingle with a certain demographic or type and extrapolate everything from that.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 10:55

I think generally you go in thinking you'll slit the bill or you take it in turns to pay, date about. Unless it's something like what my husband did, I'd assume they'd pay but if still offer. If he pays full amount, I'd pay next time. It's not that hard!

insideoutsider · 17/02/2019 12:04

@Que0 @Whisky2014
Is that how the men you know speak? I really hope you realise that’s not normal, not by a long, long stretch.
I agree. Really generous people don't feel used because they spent money on a good evening for themselves and their partners.

@WeeTinkerMonkey
"I fucking paid for her to get in, bought her a drink and she just fucked off, bitch"
Sounds like hurting little boys in bodies of men, putting up a hard facade while they are with their male counterparts. I bet they don't say how they're still begging that same woman to take them back.

In my opinion, only certain kinds of men feel hard done by when they've paid for a date or provided financially for their children after family break ups. And from this thread, there are plenty of women who think that's what equality means.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 12:14

I agree. Really generous people don't feel used because they spent money on a good evening for themselves and their partners

Exactly! I actually Just asked my husband a wee while ago if he expected sex after the date and read out what weetinker had said. Husband said no, he didnt expect sex and that he organised the date as something which he hoped I would like and that he would also enjoy. He said its for him just as much as me.
Really sad people like weetinker have that horrible mindset, isn't it?

PrismGuile · 17/02/2019 12:28

I would expect Dutch but if he offered to pay that would be nice and I would see it as him showing that he's very interested in a second date.

I thought she was grabby. I could get over her having 5 sons but she quite clearly indicated that she would like a boyfriend to subsidise her and her children and I wouldn't have liked that attitude.