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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2019 15:33

What was your relationship with your DD's father like? In fact, where is your DD's father in this picture? I am wondering if he was a violent bully or an addict of some sort, and that's why you are prepared to put up with this current man, who is manipulative, lazy, selfish , entitled and an absolutely shitty father. Your P thinks that childcare is women's work, same as housework, and that women should be obedient and not complain. He spotted some weakness or vulnerability in you that he could use to get what he wanted - a domestic servant who would care for his son, who could be manipulated into looking after both son and father while expecting nothing in return.
You need to end the relationship. For the poor DS, who I am also very sorry for - are you in touch with his teachers? Could you let the school know that the relationship is ending, that the father is at least psychologically neglectful and that this boy will need extra pastoral care at school?

Belenus · 15/02/2019 15:35

I wonder if there is something wrong with him.

Well his mum's dead and his dad refuses to parent him. That would do it.

TheInvestigator · 15/02/2019 15:36

It's going to be hard, especially with the boy but you need to leave. You've still got a great chance of meeting someone new and having a loving, happy home life, although even alone, your house will be full of love and happiness with you and your daughter... but not with him.

It will be hard, but they can go back to his mum's. What he does once he's left yours (as soon as possible) is not your concern. Neither is the child.

Butterymuffin · 15/02/2019 15:38

I will never put anyone else before her (daughter)

You're already doing this. Sorry to be harsh, but you are. It needs to stop.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/02/2019 15:41

I feel so bad for that boy I couldn't leave the relationship without trying. Could you get some family counselling? Try to get through to him how his behaviour is damaging his son and potentially destroying your relationship?

However, your primary responsibility is to your daughter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2019 15:42

Your partners son’s mum died when he was 5. It must have been a terrible shock if he wasn’t prepared - unlikely that he was from the way he’s acting. It’s also unlikely he was comforted by anyone considering his behaviour. His father definitely treats him as an inconvenience. As a result, part of him stopped developing at that age so part of him is emotionally stuck age 5. Poor lad. I know what that all feels like. I was older but the same happened to me. It’s terribly difficult to cope with.

Ultimately he isn’t your responsibility. You can still choose to be in contact with him in the event of a split from this disrespectful man.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2019 15:43

Ah, x-post. So you have only really had this one relationship, with this user. You can do so much better, OP. Tell him to get out - and your sister sounds like she would be good at supporting you if he doesn't want to go...

LazyLizzy · 15/02/2019 15:45

your primary responsibility is to your daughter.

I don't know how you could love a man who has no interest at all in your daughter.

How can you have feelings for a man who treats his son so badly?

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/02/2019 15:56

Get rid of him before he can have half your house!!

SaturdayNext · 15/02/2019 15:59

Does he contribute financially at all?

combatbarbie · 15/02/2019 16:00

So you do all cleaning etc as well, does he pay rent or just 1/2 the bills?

Your not getting anything from this relationship besides mug written on your forehead. He needs to go.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/02/2019 16:03

They'll move back in with his mother I expect. I might be good for the little boy to be raised by his grandmother.

Don't let him soft soap you and tell you he'll change. He's 40. What you've been seeing is who he is. If he's very difficult just ask him to move back to his mothers for a while and give you some space to think, you can make the split final once he's out.

And get the locks changed. If they are standard cylinder locks it's simple to do it yourself, look at some YouTube videos.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2019 16:09

And isn't it amazing how someone like that, who just moves in, expects to have hoysekeepingcsnd childcare on tap and then complains about his son not being included in another relatives's holiday.

Honestly, you could not make it up.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 15/02/2019 16:13

Also his son is a bit clingy, always wanting to hug me , talk to me. It's hard to say but I think he talks more to me in one afternoon than to his dad in weeks. I wonder if there is something wrong with him.

The poor, poor boy. He's crying out for affection. His mum is dead. his dad's a useless bag of shit, and you're the only thing resembling a parent he has around.

I never get free time, when I am off , I clean all the mess of the weekend , and look after the children.

You literally must have MUG written on your forehead. Your 'partner' must be laughing all the way to the bank.

Onceuponacheesecake · 15/02/2019 16:13

Your sister sounds very generous. Your partner is taking the piss and I feel sorry for his poor son. What are you going to do OP?

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 16:14

It’s not that his son doesn’t have a mum. It’s that his son has a shit dad. Who is also your shit partner.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 16:19

I'm wondering if there's actually far deeper issues eg depression, has he never got over the death of his sons mother perhaps?

Ffs. Now the lazy, cocklodging fucker’s depressed.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/02/2019 16:29

You can't fix him. You can't fix the fact that his son has been dealt a shit hand in life. But a lot of people will expect you to throw away your life trying...

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 16:35

You need to prioritise your daughter and kick him out!
She will definitely see the inequality. He's gained a mother but she's lost some of you and not gained a step father at all!

JasperKarat · 15/02/2019 16:35

He's awful, he won't look after your DD but expects you and your family to look after his DS?? He's the one excluding a child!

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 16:38

You are really not in a partnership, you are merely a housekeeper/childminder for a lazy cock-lodger.
He isn't depressed, he's just sitting back while you do all the work.

I bet he can't believe his luck that he has found someone so easily manipulated, who will carry the all responsibility for him and his child.

For your own sake, but more importantly for your daughter's sake, you must end things with this man, otherwise your DD will grow up thinking that it's acceptable for a woman to slave for a man, and to always put a man's demands before her own needs, (as she is already being forced to do with the son).

Unless you take some action, you will be warping your daughter's attitude to men for the rest of her life.

Eliza9917 · 15/02/2019 16:42

Fuck this wank stain off and keep the boy.

That poor boy :(

woolduvet · 15/02/2019 16:44

I think your partner likes having you as a partner, you sort his childcare, even your family does it, it's looking like you cook and clean for him.
Sadly you have a dd, which makes his weekends awkward...

wellhellothereall · 15/02/2019 16:57

What a twat - she's taking a group of girls of similar ages. If she had boys too it would be different - sounds like you need to move on without him

Ginny008 · 15/02/2019 16:57

He really needs to leave and as soon as possible. Also I sincerely hope your finances are not entwined and that he has no financial claim on your house? Listen to the people on this thread and also to your sister who has seen all this in person. Get rid of this chancer NOW!!

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