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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
Allways123 · 16/02/2019 18:52

He wants his bread buttered on both sides. I think he's using you.

IvanaPee · 16/02/2019 18:52

I’m reading this hoping it’s not real.

Of course I feel for his son but there’s nothing you can do about it.

You need to take care of yourself and your child. It would be lovely if you could keep some sort of relationship with the boy but that can’t be your priority right now.

MrsTommyShelby · 16/02/2019 18:55

Is he enforcing this so he doesn't have to look after either child. His days off are then free to do whatever he likes? Sounds like a right prick. What would happen if your sister said no to any of the childcare? Would he step up?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/02/2019 18:56

This is awful-get rid!

Relightmyfire2017 · 16/02/2019 18:59

Tell him to fucking well grow up or his son will turn into a teenage version of a whiny little shit.....just like his dad. Blended families are a nightmare at the best of times, I know from personal experience. They DO work but effort has to be shown both ways.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that as soon as he starts including your daughter in his extended family excursions then you will include his son in yours.
If that doesn't work I would seriously consider this "relationship" - you AND your daughter deserve better 💕 x

IrisTs · 16/02/2019 19:00

That is a terrible situation. I feel for you but even more I feel for the poor son. He lost his mum and has a dad who's a total prick. It's like he has not got a dad and I cannot help but worry what would happen with the poor child if you broke up. I know not your responsibility but it sound like the dad does not really want his son...

NotCisJustWoman · 16/02/2019 19:18

Would you want your Daughter to be treat like a doormat by the person who's meant to love her? Children learn from the adults around them what to expect in relationships. He's teaching his son to treat people like shit and you're teaching you're daughter to put up with it.

You might along well when he's not taking the piss out of you and your family (and his own family by the sounds of it too) but he has no respect for you.

He's a piss taking twat. Won't be surprised if you're paying all the bills too.

I'd have got rid when he made it clear he'd be opting out of parenting on his days off work to be honest.

Allways123 · 16/02/2019 19:31

I just read that the house is yours and he is 40 and you are 28.He obviously thinks he's struck gold in finding you then. He must think that because you're younger than him you're stupid. He's obviously just looking for someone to mother his child.As others have said already he's clearly taking the piss here and is extremely selfish. This is not the kind of person you should be with. You have too much to lose. You need to think of yourself and your child and realise that some men like him may be looking for an easy ride.. at your expense of course! Don't let him do it. This is not love. He's not sharing and part of being in a relationship is being willing to share. You need to get out of this relationship immediately because it's not 50:50 at all.

Allyballybeee · 16/02/2019 19:36

“Also his son is a bit clingy, always wanting to hug me , talk to me. It's hard to say but I think he talks more to me in one afternoon than to his dad in weeks. I wonder if there is something wrong with him.“

Holy fuck. You think there’s something wrong with the kid because he wants engagement and affection? Can you not see he’s like this with you as he has no one else? His dad is a complete selfish, useless, unloving c**t and the poor kid doesn’t have a mum.

This whole situation is so fucking tragic for your DD and DSS.

wingsanddreams · 16/02/2019 19:50

He's not good for you and your DD. Go and find someone who loves you and treats your daughter like his own child. You deserve better, your daughter deserves better.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 16/02/2019 19:50

Hopefully writing this down and the responses it’s generated has helped to look at the situation objectively, Salinovina. You and your Dd aren't currently getting anything out of having this man in your life. When you raise valid issues he guilt trips you. He is neither a hands-on dad to his own ds nor a co-parent to your dd. He might attempt to step up if you clarify your expectations (directly and without apology) but, sadly, that’s unlikely as he does sound like a cf, cocklodger as well as a useless waste of space who can’t even pretend to be polite to your dsis when you aren’t there and who obviously sees your family as a way to outsource his parental responsibilities for free. On the plus side, the house is yours and you sound like a great mum and a caring person who will find someone who deserves you once you get rid.

StarB3 · 16/02/2019 20:13

So what does your partner do all weekend while your sister is watching your daughter and his child! I bet he bloody loves it!! If he's with you he should accept your child as his own and vice versa so if he won't watch your daughter why does he expect your sister to watch his son? What a twat

MummaMooMoo · 16/02/2019 20:46

This broke my heart. Until 3 months ago I was in a similar boat (but he had no child) and here is the reason why I no longer am:

Your daughter lives in a house with a man who doesn't want to spend time with her. He might not mind, it might be part of the package that he's fine with, but he doesn't want to and she knows that every time she can't stay in her own home when you go to work.

Your daughter either thinks it's normal to be unwanted like that, or it hurts her. And likewise for her seeing that you're okay with it. She either thinks it's normal for a mum to want to be with a man who doesn't want to have a relationship with her children, or its hurtful to her.

Those two above alone, were the reasons I ended it.. but your daughter suffers on another level when this line is drawn by his attitude that she isn't his family so he won't watch her, but his son is family enough to be included in her extended family life. It must feel like such an unfair intrusion. "Blending" in one direction is just forcing her to share her life and offering her no new opportunities or people or anything at all in return.

And don't even get me started on how sad it is for his son to have a dad that behaves that way.

Also, please don't take offense - took me 5 years to end it! Realised that if the person I am with makes my daughter wonder her worth for a second, not worth it.

MummaMooMoo · 16/02/2019 20:55

PS... My daughter at 6 asked me whether, "You know how X doesn't want to do stuff with me? Do you and other grown ups not want to either, but you just have to because you're my mum?" That was some perspective!

BeatriceBee · 16/02/2019 21:00

Right, so he thinks it's okay for your sister to put herself out to look after his son, but he can't be bothered to put himself out to look after your daughter? Most unfair, who does he think he is? I think he should do things with his son, while your daughter is with her Aunt and not expect other people to entertain him son for him. There is also no way your sister should be expected to take him on holiday with young girls. Your partner is totally out of order!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2019 21:01

MummaMoo
😢 such a perceptive thing to say at such a tender age.

Catsinthecupboard · 16/02/2019 21:12

If you allow him to treat her badly, (and you too, which he is) she will think its "normal and okay."

She will choose men/bfs who do not respect her.

You're allowing him to take advantage/abuse relationships with yourself and your family.

It's not ok for him to do this to anyone. You're a bad example to your dd. Please stop bc you'll be very sorry when these chickens come home to roost when she's dating.

Canary123 · 16/02/2019 22:04

Ltb

manicmij · 16/02/2019 22:06

He is not much of a partner and I use the word loosely.. What kind of relationship is it that he can exclude your daughter from his family yet expect your family to include his son for whom he has custody. I would be questioning his motives as he seems to be treating you and family as childminders.

poppy54321 · 16/02/2019 22:14

Going against the grain a little on one point because the son sounds like he really needs you. If only one side of the family is fun and loving and doing interesting holidays then perhaps his Dad is looking out for his son. I think its nice to include the stepson as much as you can. He seems to have found a family he wants to be around in the midst of this sad situation he is in. He has had enormous unhappiness in his life so its lovely that he has found some happiness with your family. People in this thread are making lots of assumptions and I know lots of the story seems to be bad. We have 2 DD and they spend most time with one side of the family and not the other. I don't see why this would be any different if one was a step daughter. The childcare part where he wont look after your daughter is odd and he sounds a bit miserable so I expect its much more fun for her with her cousins.

GabsAlot · 16/02/2019 22:42

yes it is sad that poor boy but its not ops responsilbilty she shouldnt be made to feel guilty

clearly her partner thught his stars had aligned when she came along offering a free house and childcare-hes the one doing this not op

hope it works out for your daughter hes an abolsute prick

Sweetpea55 · 16/02/2019 22:47

It's not up to you to compensate for the fact that the poor kid doesn't have a mother. Your DO is being a dick

TriciaH87 · 16/02/2019 23:03

Time to think about walking away. My eldest is not my partners but he is treated the same as our child. When his father treated him differently i put up with it for a couple years but after that i said something and my partner backed me up. I tjis situation however your sister is taking a bunch of young girls and a teenage boy should not be there as it would be alarming to other parents. Plus if your sister chooses to pay for her niece so be it but he cannot make her pay for his son. Tell him to take his own child at the same time if he likes but that your child never spends time with his family yet at least yours include his son in visits to their homes. It goes both ways so until his family treat your child the same he can complain all he likes but maybe ask dd not to brag about what shes done as a compromise. Personally he sounds like an arse.

Rox1234 · 16/02/2019 23:08

Why in the hell would you even have this selfish twat around your daughter let alone consider him looking after her? It’s clear he has know intentions of having a relationship with your daughter so surely that should be enough for you to kick the nasty prick out!!!

MummyofTw0 · 16/02/2019 23:31

No matter how much I loved someone, if they tested my daughter like that, I really couldn't stay with them

I'd really end up despising then

He sounds like a waste of time