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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 16/02/2019 10:21

Your DD is your priority. It is unfortunate for DSS his dad is a dick, but don't let your DD suffer and learn from him.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/02/2019 10:22

Get rid.

Seriously - do you really need to be told he’s a cocklodging lazy selfish twat?

HJWT · 16/02/2019 11:35

Wow why the hell are you still with him???

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/02/2019 15:18

I am so sad for your DSS, as I'm sure many other posters are on here.
He has lost his mother at a young age, and has a distant and uncaring father, by the sound of it, who doesn't connect with the boy at any level (extrapolating from what you've said).

There's nothing "wrong" with him except that he's suffered from emotional neglect since his mother died, and possibly before that - the attention you have given him is like drops of water to a plant dying from thirst, no wonder he clings to you!

However, he is not your responsibility - but you could make provision to continue to see him if you wanted to, once you boot his feckless father out of your home. IF said feckless father let you. Would you want to?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/02/2019 17:30

The way I think it should work is eow your dd and dss spend a weekend with your sister and one with your dh.

He’s absolutely taking the piss. If he expects your family to take and treat his ds as a family member, then he should treat your dd as part of his. Can’t have it both ways

loz85 · 16/02/2019 17:32

So He refuses to look after your daughter but your family is expected to look after his son? Nope nope and nope again! No offence the bloke sounds like an absolute twat! You say you’ve not heard his son complain so it’s probably dads issue! As for Disney why on earth would a 13yo boy want to go away with a group of 4-9yo girls sounds like dad just wants a break! Is this really a partnership? Doesn’t sound like you’re getting much from it

loz85 · 16/02/2019 17:41

Have no caught up on all your responses, op you aren’t deluded you hoped to make it work no shame in that. I doubt there’s anything wrong with dss his mum passed when he was what 5? I’m assuming he looks to you as mother figure now hence the cuddles & it doesn’t really sound like his dad has filled the roll of one parent let alone too. If you kick dad out could you still have contact with his son? If you want to that is?

Aridane · 16/02/2019 17:45

Kick out DP and keep SS (DP might well agree)

Bettyartist · 16/02/2019 17:45

He's a twat. If your DSS wants horse riding, it's his father's responsibility to organise something with a more suitable agegroup. You and your sister are being taken advantage of. Chuck the self absorbed selfish bugger out.

cuppycakey · 16/02/2019 17:49

Agree with PP - he saw you coming OP.

I would get rid of him.

TenThousandSpoons · 16/02/2019 17:56

LTB
I would inform social services about his (lack of) parenting of his son so that someone has DSS on their radar as you leave them.

Tinkerbell89 · 16/02/2019 18:00

He's taking the p**s he really is. Your family look after your DD cause he refuses to, that is selfish in itself. To now expect his son to have the free childcare from your family when he's home isn't on. He should be a dad and do activities with his son. He has custody itd his responsibility. He is excluding your DD from his actions and getting some lovely free time to himself whilst everyone else does childcare. I'd be outta there. He doesn't sound fair or like someone looking to stay and become a proper family. The answer really comes to no his son shouldn't go to Disneyland with your family nor for days out if he won't watch DD he can watch his son and take him horse riding. I think he's taking advantage

Tinkerbell89 · 16/02/2019 18:02

Oh and stop doing childcare for him if he won't do it for you if he wants things to be equal 😂

BlueEyedPersephone · 16/02/2019 18:06

My first LTB, he is selfish and self centred, you and your daughter deserve better, put her first.

He is using you and his family are enabling him

spongedog · 16/02/2019 18:08

Sorry scrolling through quite fast. But yes he is a twat. Then I read your update and I amend my statement he is a cocklodger. Your sister remains a lovely angel. She is a star!

I do feel very sorry for his son. Poor child but genuinely that is not your problem. You sound kind to him but you cannot fix his father's issues.

Palaver1 · 16/02/2019 18:09

Hopefully your eyes and ears are open
Do you see that you are on thin ice in this relationship
Unfortunately you havent made a wise choice .
You cant begin to feel responsible for his son as he is not responsible for yours and this shouldnt be the case.
Very soon the poor lad is goung to turn on your daughter watch out jealousy is a horride emotion in children.
You must set some rules

dragonsfire · 16/02/2019 18:11

Oh my goodness please end this madness!

So even when your DSis has both kids over the weekend he doesn’t even help around the house??? This man is an unbelievable cocklodger!

Ditch the man offer to still be in the boys life, if you want to that is.

If you choose to cut ties, I would suggest calling childline or social services at least, to give a heads up as the boy is basically being neglected.

He has lost his mother and tbh I think he needs some proper care especially if his Dad is palming him off and not talking to him at every opportunity!

Poor kid! But you and your daughter must come first.

Good luck

melemone · 16/02/2019 18:12

I'm usually quite a lurker but wanted to say - he is being classically abusive and I have seen women in my family experience similar situations. Eerily similar. And - there is no shame on you for being a caring person who has ended up with someone who is letting their mask slip to show what an arseflap they are. However, I'm quite concerned how much people are insulting you - calling you desperate for love, etc - that's what parasites like your dp rely on, you feeling isolated and ashamed and stupid, followed by being criticised by others for putting up with it, which so often increases shame and a kind of paralysis to make a decision to change as you don't trust your instincts any more, pushing you closer to the abusive dp. You are NONE of these things. Take what time you need to get out of this situation, but overall don't feel responsible for dp and his questionable parenting and - you and your daughter are worthy of more. Good luck.

Sice · 16/02/2019 18:18

Hie the warning bells are ringing in your relationship and I suggest you re evaluate how to move on further.Your dp is getting all the benefits in this relationship together with his son.You are over compromising dear

Lou12124 · 16/02/2019 18:33

You are not deluded for trying to make a relationship work! I think everyone wants the happy family and it's clear you are willing to work at it. But unfortunately by the sound of it...you partner isn't. It's a losing battle!

The poor son of his is probably acting like a smaller child because he craves a mother (which sounds like you're doing a fantastic job at) however it is not your job to have to stay in a relationship for that child. Even if he was your own blood you shouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship for the children because they always pick up on the tension and can sometimes be more harmful for them.

Your partner sounds like he has it sweet..you do everything for him whenever he wants it. He basically has moved from his mum's house to another mum's house. How is that a happy relationship. I would hste to be with someone who is like looking after another child...what a turn off!!!!
No-one one should tell you what to do with your life and when to do it. It's your decision whether you are happy to stay as you are or beleive you are worth more!

HisBetterHalf · 16/02/2019 18:37

He's taking the piss. Tell him to take his son to Disney Land himself

KingIrving · 16/02/2019 18:39

This is not how a blended family works. What you describe is not a family.
Why would he not look, play, interact with your DD.

Being a parent and a step parent implies action and interaction. He is not involved.
You are young, you and your daughter deserve better than this. In a couple, there must be balance, receiving and giving.

I am only sad for the step son, but you can keep a relationship with him without his dad.

Clairaloulou · 16/02/2019 18:40

I feel so bad for your stepson. I agree completely that you should get shut but if you take you out of the equation, this kid doesn't have anyone. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, that's not your fault. But I would consider contacting social services or school at least if/when (hopefully) you decide enough is enough.

Vynalbob · 16/02/2019 18:44

Your not being selfish. If he were being a responsibe partner and treating your dd as his then he might have a point
This looks like its heading to a tipping point.
Good luck

Coronapop · 16/02/2019 18:48

I am not sure why you would want to be with someone who is so obviously an inadequate and uncaring parent.