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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2019 17:02

Now that you know something must be done, start doing it!

I'd suggest speaking to your sister (she sounds lovely) and tell her that you are having second thoughts about this relationship. I'm sure she'll be a huge support for you.

Do you and UnP (Useless non-Partner) have any financial entanglements? If not, then you just need to tell him quietly and calmly that the relationship doesn't work for you anymore and that he needs to leave. I do feel sorry for the DS, but just because you end the relationship with the father doesn't mean that you can't maintain contact with the son (if you choose to), but at more of a distance. It's obvious the poor lad needs counseling and support. Do you think you could contact his school (after) and tell them you've split, what you feel about the way his dad ignores him, and that he needs support that he's NOT getting from his dad?

GreenTulips · 15/02/2019 17:02

How can he cimplain that others treat his sin unfairly when that’s exactly what he’s doing?
Your sister has his son for whole days and takes him out and he would acknowledge her and hides in the bed room? How rude

TowelNumber42 · 15/02/2019 17:04

Do you know how to get rid of him? He won't go quietly. Cocklodgers and other entitled men never do. The guilt will be ramped right up. He will weaponise his son. Every means of keeping his free house and housewife will be exerted. Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

Apple103 · 15/02/2019 17:09

Why did you initially accept that he wont look after your dd on his days off? And why did you accept her not being invited to his birthday. You need to take some responsibility here for this situation which you contributed to creating.
This isn't a partnership at all.

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2019 17:14

I agree you need to dump him but feel so sad for the boy. Please do speak to his school and outline the situation and your concerns. He is suffering emotional neglect from his father and has lost two key attachment figures already, losing a third will be hard for him but you shouldn’t stay in this unhealthy relationship to save his son.

His son is his responsibility.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 15/02/2019 17:16

Did he move directly from his mum's into your house? Has he ever stepped up to be a father?

At least you've recognised he's fucking useless. Now you need to start being prepared - he's going to really be unhappy at losing his nanny/cook/cleaner. He's going to make all sorts of promises about how things are going to be different, you're going to be feeling really guilty about his son. But you have to put your DD first.

Godowneasy · 15/02/2019 17:17

He just made me feel guilty telling me his son no longer has a mother

This gives me the rage!

You should be telling your 'partner', that HE should be feeling very guilty for not parenting his own son in any way whatsoever!!!

You could also tell him that he is a lousy partner!

You are merely an unpaid housekeeper and childminder to him and his son.

You can do better than this and your daughter deserves more. Don't waste your life on this poor excuse of a man!

Get rid of him before he makes financial claims on your house. Do NOT ever be tempted to marry him.

Ask your sister for her help and support in getting him out of your house and life.

LannieDuck · 15/02/2019 17:40

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that you do all the cooking and cleaning too, because it's your house? Does he at least pay rent?

Jux · 15/02/2019 19:35

I'm so glad you've seen the light! It's sad that you thought well enough of him to envisage a future with him but he's shown his true - uncaring - colours now his feet are under the table, hasn't he? What a shame, I sympathise.

So, what do you do now? Atm, your dd is definitely less important than his son. Somehow, this so-called man has engineered thngs such that he has a nice place to live, he has an easy, uncomplaining houskeeper and free childcare to the extent that he doesn't really have to bother with anything at all.

Your poor dd! Make her life better by telling him it's not working and asking him to leave. Where he goes is his problem, he's a grown up with responsibilities and needs to act like one.

You can tell him it's not hecessarily the end, but you need to see him stepping up and doing what he should for a long time before you can consider living with him in the future. You can tell yourself that too, if you want to and if it makes things easier, but do remember: you won't meet the right man if you stick with the wrong one.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 19:40

you won't meet the right man if you stick with the wrong one
Never a truer word spoken Jux!

SnotttyNosedSheila · 15/02/2019 19:41

Oh love. Dump the fucker. I'm 51, even us ladies at our age don't put up with this shite. You're 28! Boot him out!

He's a cocklodger and is sponging off you in your own home. He can't even be arsed to look after his own DS. I know you adore your DSS but he isn't your responsibility. Your DD has to come first.

Be strong and tell him to leave. Don't let him guilt trip you. His DS is his responsibility and not yours.

Yesicancancan · 15/02/2019 19:53

You have already given to his son the idea that there are people who take in an interest in children. Even if his Dad doesn’t.
It’s a sad situation but it will be fucking miserable the longer you let it drag on.

Cornishclio · 15/02/2019 20:08

As others have said you DP is not parenting his own son and has no right to try and guilt you into it. I do feel sorry for the DSS but you should be telling your DP either he steps up and acts as a dad to both kids or he can go. Also being rude to your sister who is kind enough to watch his DC is totally unacceptable.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/02/2019 20:21

He sounds awful, you have been very generous!

I can't get over him expecting you to watch his son but refusing to watch your daughter. I can't even imagine how he would have the gall!

LipstickTaserrr · 15/02/2019 21:19

I really really hope your last post is the truth and you aren't just saying this.

If this is true (because quite frankly it's unbelievable you would put up with this) I really hope you kick him out. The vile excuse of a man has been walking all over you and treating both children awfully.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2019 21:59

OP in my many years of MN, I am trying to remember a time I said LTB to an OP. It is as rare as hens teeth. I believe you should leave this man. After 3 years together you are getting guilt TRIPPED over your DSS DM. To add these are the best years of you and your daughters lives, unless a relationship made me fall over with happiness, I would not forgo the time with my DD for a grumpy DP. Life is to short prioritise it for your DD, he won't act like her dad, he is not worth your time.
He is a bad role model.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2019 22:01

I feel awful for the DSS though. Sad

RedDogsBeg · 15/02/2019 22:15

No wonder he was single for five years, OP that and living with his parents expecting them to parent his child was a red flag flying in a force 10 gale with bells and whistles attached.

I have every sympathy for his son, it must be dreadful for him BUT it is not your role to save him, your priorities have to be for your daughter and you.

Please end this pitiful excuse of a relationship, it will damage you, your daughter and the rest of your family if you don't. Don't waste any more time trying to change him or the situation just end it now.

Mixedupmummy · 15/02/2019 22:29

I feel awful for the DSS though

poor lad Sad albeit not your responsibility.

Daisymay2 · 15/02/2019 22:43

We had a similar situation in my family. SIL died when DN was small. Then his granny died about 3 years later. In some ways it felt that his emotional development stopped when his granny died and he would play with toys for much younger children and behaved in a younger way into his early teens e.g.adopting baby speech patterns at times . I had him a lot, but it impacted negatively on my children. It was a hard time, including for all of the wider family, and he needed a lot of professional input. If your DP steps up for his son and you are still together, you will need to ensure your daughter does not suffer- but honestly, you need to end the relationship- it will destroy you.
Please at least speak to his son's school and ask them for support for him when you split, but please look out for yourself and DD. Sadly his DS is not your responsibily.
As PP have said, you may need help to get rid of your excuse for a partner.

ciderhouserules · 16/02/2019 09:42

OP - it is obvious that childcare is women's work! The poor lad - his mum used to parent him, then his Gran. Then you, and when you are not available, your sister...

Owner-of-Penis does not do Parenting, because he has a Penis. Any parenting. Any women's work. Owner-of-penis will never even 'babysit' your child, not even his own.

When you chuck him out, the first thing he will do is look for another woman to do parenting of his son. Any woman. As soon as possible.

Poor child.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2019 10:07

Well yes poor child (his son). But meanwhile your daughter should not be exposed to his view of the world in her own home.

DD is your priority and rightly so

kbPOW · 16/02/2019 10:14

What's wrong with your DSD is that his Mum died and his father is self-absorbed and fucking useless. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that this wankstain doesn't pay his way either. He needs to move out. I'd give him a week but tell him that if he is inappropriate or manipulative he will leave immediately.

kbPOW · 16/02/2019 10:15

Sorry - I meant DSS

ambereeree · 16/02/2019 10:17

OP i know lots of people have sympathised with his son but he is not your responsibility. Do not stay in a bad relationship for child who is not yours.
You have to look out for yourself and your daughter.