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Original poster

FIL moving in

370 replies

Gault500 · 15/02/2019 10:41

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

OP posts:
babysleep4 · 15/02/2019 10:43

why has this been decided without discussion?

Chamomileteaplease · 15/02/2019 10:43

Your husband works away three weeks out of four??

No No and No.

Has your husband always been a thoughtless and bossy imbecile??

MeredithGrey1 · 15/02/2019 10:45

DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us.

Has DH agreed to this without discussing it with you? Or is he just saying FIL wants to move in, and is telling you so it can be discussed?

tryingtoadvise · 15/02/2019 10:48

No! Say that word to DH now, it's NO. Not maybe, not for a while it's NO!

It's sad that his DM is passing away but DF will manage.

Original poster
Gault500 · 15/02/2019 10:49

To be fair, DH isn't saying it has to happen, just that FIL has asked and he thinks it is a good idea and would like to have him. Apparently when FIL sells their current home he will give us half the money in exchange for moving in, so DH thinks overall it will be beneficial for us. To be fair the money is tempting as 2 kids in full time childcare is a nightmare, but I don't think it is worth compromising on our privacy and putting the extra pressure on me.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 15/02/2019 10:49

I would be inclined to say no categorically. He has no right to force this on you without even discussing it first. Especially considering that this isn’t even his main residence. Tell him to take DH to his house/flat wherever it is the he works or compromise on having him to stay for a short period of time.

EyeOfTheTigger · 15/02/2019 10:49

No, No, No! Do not allow this OP. As you say, you will have no privacy with your own family. No being able to wander round in your undies if you so desired. Feeling awkward when DTD as you'll be worried FIL can hear. Cooking, cleaning, laundry... I bet he'll want all that done and you will come to resent not only FIL but DH too. If your DH is away 3 weeks out of 4 then it will be like you're married to FIL instead of DH as you'll spend more time with him. No way should your DH decide this without any consultation with you, as you will be the one doing all the work, and there WILL be work. I think the compromise of him moving nearer, even if it's into a retirement flat, is a great suggestion and you should offer this as an alternative solution.

Babooshkar · 15/02/2019 10:49

I would not be able to cope with this either and to be told this is happening in my own home without me being part of the decision process would be totally unacceptable.

Why can’t be just move to live closer and come over for visits a couple of times per week?

You need to sit down and talk this through at length with your DH and then later another talk with FIL.

Jaxhog · 15/02/2019 10:49

As long as he brings the housekeeper with him, it could work!

Seriously though, this should not be agreed without discussion with you. Not least because you're the one most affected. Your DH hasn't thought this through.

EyeOfTheTigger · 15/02/2019 10:51

Cross posted with your update. Could you use the half share of his house to buy another place with a 'granny annex' so that FIL can have his own living space attached to yours, but separate, IYSWIM?

Jokie · 15/02/2019 10:51

Is he asking for your opinion? Or saying that this will be done?

Sukochicha · 15/02/2019 10:52

I believe the phrase is "no fucking way DH"

He isn't after the company, sounds like he just wants a housekeeper (you)

Housingcraze · 15/02/2019 10:53

DH pays for cooker cleaner for his DF simple. Or find a flat nearby.

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/02/2019 10:53

Nope! Could you use the money to build him a granny flat at the bottom of your garden?

Jokie · 15/02/2019 10:53

Crosspost too.

I agree with @EyeOfTheTigger - would it be possible to move to give him an annex?

I wouldn't do it personally

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/02/2019 10:55

I could not stand that, within a couple of weeks I'd be moving out. Your FIL wants a proxy wife and has decided you are it!!!

It would be a very firm no from me even if your husband didn't work away. Isn't it great how your husband thinks this is a good idea when it will have a massive impact on you and hardly any on him! You PIL could live for 30 years, you'd be living with him longer than your children!!!

PotteringAlong · 15/02/2019 10:56

Not in a million years. Your DH can want it as much as he likes if he lives with you all the time. If he’s only there 25% of the time he gets no say at all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/02/2019 10:57

Even him moving nearby could easily mean FIL has expectations of you looking after him. And I bet dinner a couple of nights a week turns into every night. I hope this can be sorted out without too much damage to family relationships.

CalmdownJanet · 15/02/2019 10:58

Has anyone got any lovely stories where living with an in law turned out fabulous?

Nope because it's never happened

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/02/2019 10:59

Further discussion is needed. Your DH has to acknowledge that ALL of the burden of this will fall to you! That he has put you in a difficult position and it needs more than a passing chat!

Basically, sod half the money and you look after him whilst your DH works away!

If he wants to live with you then you could all look for a house that is better suited to a split household - one with a 'granny annex' - and split the costs accordingly, he can then keep the housekeeper and you won't have to pick up after your DHs guilty conscience.

Say ot all now, get it done and dusted. You won't be able to once your MIL dies.

Flowers for all, it is really hard to discuss such things in some families

OliviaBenson · 15/02/2019 10:59

No way!

And your FIL can't just give you the mo at- there are massive issues to consider around tax, deprivation of assets etc etc.

Is your DH intending on stopping travelling for work to care for him? I think not.

You need a frank conversation right now.

OliviaBenson · 15/02/2019 10:59

*money

KirstyJC · 15/02/2019 10:59

No. Also be wary about the money side as if he needs care in the future then giving you money might be seen as him trying to get out of paying and you might need to pay it back. Dh thinks it is a good idea because it won't cost him anything and he gets financial benefit from it. As you will do all the work. No. Just no.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2019 11:00

Could you use the money to build an annex (and hire a housekeeper - similar to what he has now?)

Original poster
Gault500 · 15/02/2019 11:00

@EyeOfTheTigger that is a possibility and one that DH thinks could work. But even that is a lot of upheaval and I think will still end up with me doing the cooking and cleaning. One option I am considering is giving it a trial period and hope that the chaos of a house with 2 kids and lots of visitors is too much of a transition from his solitary life with his wife and he changes his mind! I think somewhere close with a cleaner for him and regular dinner visits would be an ideal compromise for all of us. Glad to hear you agree that I'm not being completely unreasonable in hating this idea. I do feel sorry for him and DH and feel like a bit of a monster saying no!

OP posts:
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