FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

It’s a terrible idea. But you know that.

I would say to DH how he feels about changing his job to be the carer/stay at home adult with his father?

Sorry missed that he was 68 . Even more of a no from me and what happens longer term when he does get frailer are you to become his carer with DH away 3 out of 4 weeks?

And no trial period - you'll face him saying he loved it and you having to say you didn't it'll be too hard, he'll cry, you'll feel awful...best to say no from the beginning.

This is the wrong time in life to make such a big decision. Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time. People should not make any major life changes or decisions within two years of a bereavement. Neither of them can think straight at this stressful time.

Came on here to say exactly this! No moving, house selling, changing jobs, imposing on your DIL and expecting her to skivvy... Harsh as it sounds, FIL needs to learn to cope on his own - you are not his flotation device.

Absolutely no way on this earth. Even if your husband was at home all the time he has no right to make a unilateral decision on this. Given he's not even there he has no right to volunteer you for the part.

Really say no.
All the reasons you said were perfectly valid.
Even if your husband worked from home and was there 24/7 it would STILL be an imposition. But he is putting onto you possibly 30 years of care for his father whilst he is not even there for 3/4 of the time.

Say no and say you just CANNOT do it. It's not going to work for any of you. Your social life, privacy, children, everything will suffer.

And DON'T say a trial period either. What if it works? IT WILL work for the first few weeks. It is the long-term .... day after day after day of being the missing wife to your FIL with added resentment on both sides. Don't. The money is not worth it and the whole thing sounds awful.

Ask him to rent someone where close to you for a trial period if he wishes. But not moving in.

No do not do this. Encourage your DIL to buy a nice retirement flat nearby and you can have him visit a few days a week. You will al benefit from having some boundaries.

FIL not DIL!

I think you should just tell your DH no!

why does FIL think he wants to move in anyway? from what you say about him, I'd be concerned that he is looking for someone to do all the domestics while he reads the paper.

add in that your DH is away most of the time and this looks even more likely the reason why.

Is this not something you've discussed before now? I ask as it is something we discussed before we even got married. I grew up in a family home that included an uncle that lived with is full time and in later life need care that was provided by DB and his wife that inherited the family home.

Potentially he is hoping that this will be a new lease of life for him and he'll be able to have more of a social life now? Does your DH have any other siblings?

You and DH need to discuss it first and what you need if he wants it to work. And then unitedly discuss it with FIL - with DH setting the ground rules. And definitely do a trial period without money changing hands.
But personally for me, I wouldn't say no, because family is family and it is the environment that I grew up in. But I understand that not everyone is like that.

you need to quickly look for a small flat for him locally preferably warden controlled type with some social activities. Get the ball rolling and get that sorted and the answer to moving in is maybe for a week while the flat is sorted end of

Nope because it's never happened

This!

I'd be a bit wary of a trial period. Once he is there it will be difficult to get him out. And DH won't see any of the problems or be doing any of the work, so he'll be saying "oh come on, it's going fine, let's see in a few more weeks/months/years".

I think being clear that this will never happen is better. And focus on the much better idea of him living close by in his own apartment.

God no! If he moved in, I'd move out. Nearby on his own.

The word you are looking for is No! You will end up doing all the work - you know it - dont do it!

NO. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO!!!!

How is your DH with your parents? Would he fancy living with them?

How is your FiL with small children?

68 is not elderly.

Stick with horrified, your DH is bonkers.
NOOOOOOO

You need to see if there's some sheltered housing in the area - that's a lot for you to take on ... if your DH is so set on it, I suggest he finds another job working from home so he can see how hard it will be

Nooo way would I agree to that, not in a million years. Sounds like lots of extra work for you and a lack of privacy. If your dh is away that often it will effect him alot less than it effects you. Once he has moved in it will be alot more difficult to say no and get him to move out, terrible to say but you (not your dh) might end up having to look after him if he becomes ill.

He's 68 and in good health, he does not need sheltered housing. If he thinks he might be lonely, he should use the money to get a flat somewhere close to you, so he can come over for dinner and see the kids, as you said.

I can feel my blood pressure rocket just reading this.

The fact that your husband works away most of the time makes it about a million times worse- 3/4s of the time it's all on your shoulders.

Surely finding him a small place close by would be the best solution all round? He can come over regularly for meals and so on, and be close enough to keep an eye on.

Think VERY seriously about what you would be sacrificing here. It doesn't sound like a healthy arrangement for any of you.

This is the wrong time in life to make such a big decision. Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time. People should not make any major life changes or decisions within two years of a bereavement. Neither of them can think straight at this stressful time.

This is totally right ^^

With all due respect he is only 68. He needs to grieve then carve a new life for himself. Yes that will mean cooking and cleaning but it is part of the next chapter of his life.

I totally understand that your DH wants to care for his Dad at this awful time but moving in with you is not the way to do it.

Why doesn't FIL live more local, somewhere without stairs where it is easy to check in on him, and commit to a housekeeping service 1-2x weekly and support with meals. There are lots of new companies that do the latter. If he was local there's no reason you couldn't pop in weekly with a couple homemade meals too and for some conversation and company. The thing to remember is that FIL may end up with additional needs, so many things can happen including terminal illness' as well as dementia, falls, declining mobility etc. If you bring him to your home you may soon be a full time carer. I don't think this is an ideal situation in your stage of life with two young children either.

Regarding money, the thing to be worried about is if it doesn't work out, he may want his money back? What if you've spent it? Or done building work? So many things here that could go wrong.

Be involved, care for him, visit, ensure he has the supports he needs. But be very careful about what's proposed.

Honestly it would be a nightmare. Look on rightmove for suitable options, not too near you. Print them off and give them to your husband. I am 66 and would not be keen to live with my family. Everyone likes their own space. Another thought is your fil may not realise just how hectic family life is.

Also, YOU don't need to find him a small place nearby or sort out his social life or teach him how to cook and look after himself. HE needs to do all that (if it's what he wants), with DH's support primarily, then yours. He's 68, not incapable.

No and don't even do a trial period. It will be very hard to go back on it once he's there.
I do understand the problem as my elderly dad is now on his own and does actually need care but I have concluded that for my own mental health I can't have him living with me. Sometimes you have to make these decisions for your own good. The family all rely on you, you can't risk your own sanity and wellbeing.

Don't do it. Your life will NEVER be the same again!! Even the annexe idea would probably be a bad one as you could be expected to shop, clean and cook for him. Much better to find a retirement flat which is close to local amenities so that he can be self-sufficient as much as possible.