FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

This is the wrong time in life to make such a big decision. Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time. People should not make any major life changes or decisions within two years of a bereavement. Neither of them can think straight at this stressful time.

This is totally right ^^

With all due respect he is only 68. He needs to grieve then carve a new life for himself.

Agree with these comments. It’s a massive life decision and needs time to consider.

Although if it’s a flat no from you - and that’s okay - then say so.

Financial and legal advice is a must.

Given your FIL age one thing to bear in mind might be what happened in old age to his grandparents and parents. My Dad saw his go into awful accomdation apparently. When we talked of my parents moving he thought we meant into one of the homes for people with lots of needs.... people being wheelchaired from a single small room to a dayroom for bingo sort of thing. I gave him an ultimate - same as he had given me years before about going to uni - that i wouldn’t help anymore unless he at least looked at the options. He was amazed at the supported housing accommodation we looked at and enjoyed 5 years in his own flat with increasing amounts of help from caters. He went to the on site bistro for his cooked dinner. We saw them regularly but he made his own friends. A shy, liking his own company man he actually ended up ironically liking bingo but he didn’t actually have to join in with anything.

He would frankly have had a bit of a rum life with us. No friends his own age - he moved an hour and half to be near us - and no escape from the chaos caused by his grandchildren.

Maybe your FIL is similarly unaware of what modern retirement living can be?

Noooo!!!!

FIL can either get a cleaner/housekeeper or just learn to do it himself. My mum died 2 years ago and she was the one who did all the cleaning etc. My dad struggled for a while but we got him a mini dishwasher, he now has extra washing baskets and separates his clothes into them for washing. I do help tidy up now and again and keep on top of things but day to day he gets on with it.

Don't do it. No trial period. No moving in.

This is a terrible, terrible idea, and I would not agree to it on any terms.

Too many issues to mention if he puts his money in your house.

Maybe say he can come and stay for a couple of weeks in the aftermath of MIL's death, (hopefully when your DH is at home on compassionate leave!!) and possibly to look around the area with a view to buying his own flat.

If you have misgivings now they will multiply and magnify if you have him under your feet all day. You will feel like a skivvy, you will be hemmed in. He will be reliant on you.

Do not be tempted by the money.

Your DH needs to not put pressure on you, here. I am sure he feels for his dad but the aftermath of a sad death is not the time to be making permanent life changing decisions.

It's up to your dh to look after his dad if he is unable to care for himself. It certainly isn't your role.
no way would I be prepared to do this, and me and kids would be gone as soon as fil moved in.

If he's only 68 and in good health then why on earth does he need to move in with you? That seems like an arrangement that wouldn't benefit anyone involved. Sounds like FIL wants you to be his new food/housework slave to replace his wife. Just say no. Tell your DH that if he wants FIL to move in then he can quit his job and do all the work.

Also if you're managing and not totally destitute what cost do you put on your happiness?

My father lost my mother when he was 88. She had always done most of the housegold stuff, although he had done more as she started to become frail. He managed to cook (sometimes, mostly ready meals) and do the washing. He had a cleaner who changed his bed & did the ironing. And he was 20 years older.

We have my dear great grandmother living with us since we lost dear great grandfather in June. It works fine for us as a family. We have an annex in the garden that is suitable for living. But she's 98 years and fragile and for us it feels more comforting knowing she's in our back garden. They used to live only a couple of miles from us in their own home but when he passed away the nearest elderly home was over 30.miles away and she was upset about leaving everything she knows..
Dh suggested himself that she should live her. Her carer comes and help her with all intimate stuff so its only cooking for her we do.
But in your circumstances I wouldn't never agree to it..

As others have said, this is a highly emotional time in which no irrevocable decisions should be made. MiL isn't even dead yet. Undoubtedly he'll need a great deal of emotional support over the coming months and that includes helping him to delay major changes until he's able to make rational decisions.

My bet is that he'll pretty swiftly find a "lady friend" and living with you will be the last thing he wants, OP.

No. He's in good health. Why should you? Yes to moving closer if that's what he wants. DH cannot just move him in. I'd hate it. Tell him you don't want this.

Could be a good babysitter when you and DH want to go out.
I read somewhere that kids who live with a grandparent growing up are happier.
It might not be forever, once some time has passed he might prefer to be in his own home again.

And 'no' to a granny annexe.

You are young, young family, and might conceivably want / need to move house within 10 years. What then?

This is an old-fashioned (aka demanding-of-women) man, who doesn't cook. Do you really think he will stay in an annexe learning to cook and wash?

No, nuffink, none of it.

Suggest that FIL doesn’t make any major decisions for at least a year after MIL dies. Really, it’s such a major change for him already, and he’s not old. He needs to rebuild his life. And he totally doesn’t need someone organising it for him - he can do that himself. Your dh is available for emotional support.

Ask your dh how he’d feel about having your mum to live with you, if you were working away 3/4 of the time. And how he’d feel taking on more and more of her care, including physical care, as she got older.

Hubby then needs to be at home to take care of FIL - no offence to in laws but I personally would not .. esp in my home .. maybe he can move closer & you can keep an eye on him?
If hubby is insistant that I would expect him to do the bulk of the work .. that includes no working away from home..

OP i am dreading even MIL come to visit .. she is bery dominant & my hubby turns to a man infant when she is around or he deals with her. My stress levels and anxiety is through the roof! Hubby does know that I hate peopl being in my space but as he pays the bills i need to shut up & put up!
Hope you have success in working this out
Best wishes always 🌷

This has really pissed me off actually (overinvested, moi?). If he's that keen he can change jobs (all that extra money from PIL afterall) and he can do all the running around after PIL, he can entertain him night after night. It's all this stuff then men don't see that miraculously gets done like magic that get's ignored.

Chuckling at
‘Titeral nightmare’
That’ll be when it all goes ‘tits up’ obviously 😂😂😂

He isn't after the company, sounds like he just wants a housekeeper (you)

THIS ^

In all seriousness, even if you and he were very fond of each other, and had interests in common (I dunno? - collecting walking sticks?) and he was a very capable man around he house who would have a nice lasagne ready for you when you came in from work etch would say DON'T DO IT!

It will completely alter the dynamics of ALL the family relationships.

There will soon be friction between the two of you and that will cause a conflict of interest between you and DH.

He will get annoyed with your children for being children (if he's no a sociable person, I can't see him being happy with the noise and mess that all children cause, no matter what their ages).

He will feel that because he has given you half the value of his house, that he has a "right" to behave how he wants to in YOUR home.

He will interfere in your relationships - with DH, withs DCs, with friends and other family (the last is inevitable if you will no longer have a spare room for guests).

He will complain that you don't do things the way his wife used to (he will - he sounds a really selfish prick, forcing a terminally ill woman to look after him, and not even learning how to cook a few basic dishes,) and he will take those complaints to your DH.

He will want to go on holiday with you, or will complain bitterly that you leave him alone at home.

You will get no respite and it will ruin your life (not being over-dramatic here). You will end up HATING him, and it will spoil your children's social lives too.

Your suggestion that he moves to live near, and you have him round for dinner a few evenings a week is a very generous one. Or he could move himself into sheltered accommodation. That way he will be able to have his privacy and own home within the complex, while also having access to facilities for food etc whenever he wanted them.

Honestly 68 is not that old. I don’t know anyone that age who needs assistance in everyday living
They’d be quite ofended if described as elderly.

a good friend of my mums took in her fil in pretty similar circumstances, except he was relatively sociable (they thought) and thought he would be out much of day, he was youngish, fit and loved gardening and they thought he'd be no problem, it was a disaster, he wouldn't cook and kept saying what difference is it to put an extra potato in the pot for me, but there were many foods he wouldn't eat, ( foreign stuff likie pasta, peppers, meals made differently to mil) so she often had to make him different meals, he did not wash clothes or tidy up after himself, he wouldn't let anyone eat at certain times if it didn't suit him, sat at kitchen table when friends called in and gave five minute count down to his lunch/ tea time till they left, my mum has stories of popping in for a coffee and them having to bring it upstairs to her friends bedroom, and fil come knocking at door looking for her to find his glasses or book, some of the time he lived with them she worked part time doing shifts in radiology department at hospital, her husband would leave her dinner for later covered in fridge and fil would throw it in bin, he ate stuff left in kids lunchboxes for next day, he rang her constantly at work to complain the kids were doing x or simply asking why she wasn't there to make x , if she went out with friends when her husband was away or working late they used to run bets as to how soon it was before he had a medical emergency then needed her home, he monopolised tv and generally made things really hard on her kids, energy bills shot up as he put heating on all day, after a while they converted garage to give him a separate sitting room put little kitchen in- no cooker but could make tea toast etc, but he wouldn't use it most of time, he gave up his social activities unless my mums friend drove him to door and collected him when he decided to go, which could be 20 mins after arriving, problem was they knew it wasn't working out but then he had no where to go they couldn't throw him out and he kept his financial info private so they didn't know if he had enough to buy a new place, he delighted in telling family they wanted him dead or gone.

sorry to be so negative but they went into this thinking it would be fine, you already don't so I suggest you have to say no, but it would be good idea if he bought a flat near you so you could keep an eye on him

Sheltered accommodation for a healthy 68 year old? What planet are some of you on?

What they all said.

Well those who said no, no, hell no.

And hell HELL no to a trial, it will break your family to pieces

The best thing for fil is to see how things go with things the way they are for a while, no sudden moves, no big decisions.

As for your h... he needs reminding that he himself is a part time resident in your home as it is, and therefore adds to your workload wrt the kids/house/stuff by being absent

Deciding to put his dad onto your list of things to do is absolutely unacceptable.

Why should op even have to keep an eye on him? As he gets older it will escalate into doing his shopping/cooking/cleaning/caring.
Say no op.

I am so sorry about your MIL.

I am another one saying No!!!

I think it is normally advised not to make any major decisions until about a year after a big bereavement. If he doesn't have friends where he lives, it might be an idea for him to move closer to you but not in with you. Sheltered housing may be an idea. Most places take people after 60, some from 55, so they are not all full of people in their 80s/90s. He would then get an immediate social circle, so would not be reliant on you for company all the time. Some of have restaurants on site, or he can have food delivered, if he can't cook and won't learn. He could also just stay in his flat if he doesn't want to be sociable.

My DM moved into sheltered accommodation near to us after DF died. She was nervous about it at first, but loves it now. She is quite a bit older than your FIL, but at 68 he wouldn't necessarily be the youngest there.

Obviously if he was a very independent person and was able to look after himself and had a social circle near where he lives now, then moving closer to you probably shouldn't be on the cards now but that doesn't sound as if that is the case.

As others have said there may be tax and other financial implications if he was to sell his home and give you some of the money when he moves in with you. Deprivation of assets may be a serious consideration

No, no and no again. NO to a trial period and a granny annexe. He is only 68 and in good health, this man has in mind a housekeeper. Your H is away 3/4 of every month working overseas.

This mad scheme has DFS written all over it; disaster from the start. FIL needs to stay where he is and not at all make decisions like this; starting over in a completely different part of the country will simply make him dependent on the OP. He could also become unwilling and unable to move back from whence he came due to increased house prices.

How would this person at all be a good babysitter thequaffle; OP cites that her inlaws are anti social.

Absolutely not.
I would suspect that DFIL is a bit overwhelmed at the thought of managing on his own after being waited on for his whole life.

Don't even think of letting him stay even for a few weeks.
Instead arrange a cleaner and find out where he can pop out for a cafe lunch etc.
He might be one of these widows/widowers who have a new partner in no time.