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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

FIL moving in

370 replies

Gault500 · 15/02/2019 10:41

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

OP posts:
Barbarafromblackpool · 15/02/2019 12:30

*paintinmyhairAgain

it would be the end of my marriage if my dh ever suggested that and was determined that a pil moved in.*

This.
And no to the granny annexe too. And there's no need for him to rush down to be near you either.

This idea is firmly on the dogshit side of wank.

2019Dancerz · 15/02/2019 12:32

I can’t even retire with full pension until I’m 68.

Margot33 · 15/02/2019 12:33

I wouldn't do this. I would find him a cleaner and send him microwave dinners. Perhaps invite him over for Sunday dinners? He doesn't need to be living with you. Imagine how grumpy he might be with your children and their friends for playing and making noise. He would destroy the happy dynamics of the house.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 12:34

Sheltered accommodation for a healthy 68 year old? What planet are some of you on?

Not all shelters accommodation is of the 'care home" type.

Nowadays, much of it involves apartment complexes which provide facilities such as restaurants/cafeterias, hairdressing facilities and various social facilities for those who want them.

And it's better to move in while a person still has the health and energy to face to move. I lead a monthly religious service at a complex local to me. Most of the people there are comparatively young and healthy and enjoy having the opportunity to have their own living space while also having everything else they need close to hand.

MrsKoala · 15/02/2019 12:34

DO NOT DO THIS!

I fight this constantly. Mil died 3 years ago and it presented to me as a fait accompli that fil would be moving in. DH also worked long hours and away a lot and I had 2 under 3. It was horrible for 3 months before fil bought a flat 10 mins away.

As fils health deteriorates it gets mentioned again 'Fil will have to move in here soon' and I always say no. DH's last bright idea was we sell our house and buy 4 flats and rent them out to pay for his care. Confused That was a big fat no too. The D word has been threatened if this happens!

I understand they are grieving and panicking and problem solving. So this seems like a really logical conclusion. But it totally overrides the fact you will become the carer for someone else by stealth and without even discussing it with you. I am seen as being purposely selfish and awkward. Confused

Stay firm, don't give an inch.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2019 12:34

Not a chance. Your Dh is being selfish to even suggest it. Easy for him when he's away so much. Seriously, tell him it's an outright no and show him this thread if he even tries to make you feel bad.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 12:36

I would strongly resist the granny annexe idea. This will still result in the expectation that you will do everything. The only difference will be that he won’t be sleeping in your house.

waterrat · 15/02/2019 12:37

Do not take the money! He is paying you to be his carer.

Let him spend the money on moving nearby and getting paid help.

Gault500 · 15/02/2019 12:37

Some good advice on here so thank you. I think the people talking about him panicking about being on his own are probably right. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, I had just assumed he was being lazy! The thing is he is very fit, intelligent and capable...he's just gotten used to being a bit spoiled. I think if he lived alone he would be forced to learn to cook and after a few months would probably be inviting us round for gourmet dinner parties! If he lived with us I think he would stay within his comfort zone and become dependent on us. I really think it would be better for him as well as us if he lived independently. DH is an only child and they are not in contact with any of their other family (but that's a whole other post!) so we do have to accept some responsibility for him and I'd hate to see him stuck where he is on his own and grieving. I don't think DH has thought it through fully and is worried about saying no at such a sensitive time, but I think it is time for honest conversations a bit of tough love with him.

OP posts:
Barbarafromblackpool · 15/02/2019 12:40

You don't have to accept responsibility for him, no.

MrsKoala · 15/02/2019 12:42

Snap OP. DH is also an only child and Fil has no other relatives. It's really hard to stay firm when everyone is acting like you are the only unreasonable one standing in the way of their brilliant solution.

Do you think Mil has suggested this too? I remember there being discussions as mil was approaching the end when she kept saying 'when fil moves in with you...' and then who is going to upset a dying woman who just wants to know her husband will be looked after...

WTAFIGO · 15/02/2019 12:43

When he has had time to grieve he might want to consider www.shareandcare.co.uk/

MinnieMountain · 15/02/2019 12:45

Absolutely not. MIL is 67 and does not have a partner. She has chosen not to because any man her age would expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning.

Your FIL would not magically change if he moved.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 15/02/2019 12:45

If he's only 68 and in good health then why on earth does he need to move in with you
Exactly!
And this:
He will feel that because he has given you half the value of his house, that he has a right to behave how he wants to in YOUR home

Fink · 15/02/2019 12:46

Any good experiences of anyone else are not really relevant.

FWIW, I've lived with MIL and with my parents as an adult with a young child. I hated living with MIL (in my house) and love living with my parents (in their house). But it all depends on the relationships. What works for me wouldn't necessarily work for others. And in your case it is blatantly obvious that it would be a dreadful arrangement, for all sorts of reasons. Don't do it.

Witchend · 15/02/2019 12:46

My grandad learnt to cook in his 80s after my granny had a stroke and forgot how to cook.
He loved it once he'd started and was very ambitious.

I'm sure he will be fine.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 12:48

Get the planning in place in terms of ready meals or online grocery shopping or a cleaner, regular invitations to dinner or a day out with the family, always something in the calender to look forward to.

Ffs! He’s 68, two years older than me. He’s not some frail little old man, just lazy and entitled and thinks he should continue to be looked after by a woman.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 15/02/2019 12:50

Apparently when FIL sells their current home he will give us half the money in exchange for moving in, so DH thinks overall it will be beneficial for us.

Someone I know fell for this, in this case with her MIL.

The MIL long outlived my friend's DH and she ended up being her carer when the MIL developed dementia, double incontinence etc.

Other of the MIL's own children (both local) refused to help because "she" had had the benefit of MIL's contribution to buying the house and, indeed, once the MIL died, they started angling for her to sell the house so they could get their "share".

Seriously OP, just say no.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2019 12:51

That was your experience Witchend and am glad it worked out for you. But it really is not relevant to the OP here.

The vast majority of people in the OPs case however, think very differently. The whole set up described is very different with OPs FIL having no real inclination to cook or clean. His ill wife up until recently did the chores and now he has a housekeeper coming in to sort him out. Her PILs as people have always been anti social; another red flag here that cannot be ignored.

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 15/02/2019 12:54

DO NOT AGREE TO THIS!! If you value your sanity and your relationship tell your DH know. My FIL currently lives with us. He is 91 and has lived with us for the last 4 years. MIL lived with us too until she passed away in 2017. It has affected everything in our day to day lives. We gave up half our house for their comfort and they still weren’t grateful. We have to drop everything for him and can’t leave him for more than a few hours or he maes us feel guilty. I could go on and on but just want to say you will regret it even just the lack of privacy. If he needs to be closer let him buy a property nearby but don’t let him move in. Good luck!!

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 15/02/2019 12:56

There is NO way in the world in which this would ever be beneficial to even entertain this in any way, shape or form, including an annex or flat nearby. Of course your DH thinks it's a great idea, he's never home!

NFW!

No trail periods, no coordinating meals and care, blah blah blah, your DH does all that. ALL of it.

'FIL wants to move in with us'. 'That will never work in any way. I cannot and will not become a housekeeper or give up the freedom of my own home or my kids' for this. None at all. So you two discuss other arrangements'.

That's it. You make it very clear this is a non-starter and a total dealbreaker or you will wind up a housekeeper and carer for this man entirely. He will never change. He will expect the house to run on his terms.

My mother's seen many marriages end due to this in the 55 years she's been married, and always because the husband fundamentally believed his wife's role was to enable everyone else with no effect whatsoever on his own life bar the fun bits whilst he, the spouse, collected the money to go play golf. They all conveniently worked abroad or long hours and developed more and more excuses to not be home.

And I had plenty of friends from her friends whose lives were literally destroyed when Grandma or Granda was allowed to move in. It never worked well because the type of parent who does this is either already very disabled or very domineering.

Tempting as it is to be 'supportive', don't even start in any way enabling this: suggesting alternatives like flats nearby, annexes, trial periods; researching housekeepers, social activities food/feeding routines; looking for stories of how well this works (it doesn't), etc. Because this is all music to your DH's ears: whew, Gault will do all the work (on top of all her own) whilst I get that feel good factor.

And think of the impact on your kid and family. Nope!

'This won't work, DH. It's in no way good for your family life or marriage. You need to put aside this idea.'

Do not be bullied into this!

HeathRobinson · 15/02/2019 12:57

Never in a million years for me.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 12:57

Your dh doesn’t even live there most of the time! I wouldn’t even discuss such a bloody rude suggestion , you are not a cook housekeeper to be loaned out. Do not research ready meals or annexes or care assistance or meals assistance , tell your dh when he has formally resigned so he can be home to do the cooking and cleaning he can bring it up again.

juneau · 15/02/2019 13:02

By all means encourage him to move to a location closer to you - this would be beneficial to you all as he will have you close by for support - and you won't have the worry and responsibility of him being far away. But FGS DO NOT HAVE HIM MOVE IN WITH YOU!!! You're right that he would become dependent on you and you'd end up 'looking after' him, doing all the cleaning, cooking and, as he gets older, possibly caring for him. You clearly don't want this (and I don't blame you!), but hold firm. If you have him move in for a trial period I fear you'll never get him out again if you feel it isn't working. What if he doesn't want to go? Your DH is going to be torn between his DF and his DW, which would be awful.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 15/02/2019 13:03

FIL could downsize and carefully use any released funds to help himself.

Handy household items, cleaning service, delivered to the door meals.....

Just a suggestion....

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