FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

I just read he is only 68? Absolutely he needs encouragement and support to begin a new and different life. 68 is very young and it's possible for him to be in a very better situation in a year or two and not want to live with you. It's far too soon for a 68 year old to be giving away money and making such huge decisions like losing independence. They say not to sell homes for at least a year or two. This is one of the reasons why!

Another no. And NO to the trial period - how would broach him leaving. Sorry bereaved FIL there's the door ....... Do not start with a trial. Over the next few weeks, make enquiries about local cleaning companies, laundry services, 'COOK' deliveres etc. He may want to move our straight away. Give him this time to see he can do it himself or at least do it with paid help.

I would then look into him renting a flat near you for at least six months again with cleaners, home helps etc. See how that goes first.

I think you FIL is out if order approaching your son alone when he is away three weeks out of four.

despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out

So this fit and healthy grown man could not be bothered to roll up his sleeves and help make his ill wife's life any easier?
And your DH thinks it is a spiffy idea to lump him unto you to continue the wifework as DH is away 75% of the time?
it is a big fat "no" from me, I would be having very serious words with DH as to why he feels it's OK to volunteer you for more domestic work when you already do at least 75% of it alone.

PS absolutely DO NOT do a so-called trial - you will still be doing it in potentially 20 years! Different if your OH was going to do the brunt of the work but it doesnt sound like he is - he expects you to do it. Dont!

OP, just reading your post again, you say MIL is in her final weeks of life. Having been in this situation myself 18 months ago when my DF was passing, I realise your DH is probably in a highly emotional state right now, as will your FIL. It will be very hard having a conversation on this matter, so you will need to be careful how you approach it, and find the right time. A PP has suggested doing some research on local retirement/warden controlled homes. This is a great idea. It would be worth doing a bit of quiet leg work now to find out what options are available so that you have something to show your DH when you discuss it. Look for purpose built retirement flats for over 60s. They sometimes have communal areas and social activities so it's more of a community feel. When you come to a (hopefully mutual) decision, it's important that your DH presents it to his DF as a joint suggestion so that it doesn't seem like you alone are the one rejecting the idea of him moving in.

Would your DH think it was a good idea and would he like to have him if HE had to cook, clean, wash etc for his dad? It is worth asking him that as a serious question.

I'd also suggest that a 'granny flat' isn't a good idea; as others say, you'll find yourself 'popping in dinner' for him to heat up, and then he'll give you 'the odd wash' 'seeing as you're doing one anyway' and it will snowball from there and you'll find yourself housekeeping for him. Unless, again, your DH is willing to do it himself.

Don't let this happen. The man is 68 and in good health. It's going to be a massive shock to lose his wife, but it would be even more upheaval to leave his home and move into the chaos of the lives of a young family. In amongst the grief, he needs to find his new normal, and it's going to be hard, but there are things he can be supported with to make it easier. Get the planning in place in terms of ready meals or online grocery shopping or a cleaner, regular invitations to dinner or a day out with the family, always something in the calender to look forward to.

The man is not an invalid, but he will need to learn to cope with the change in his life. Help him with that and tell your DH to cop on and let everyone have their space. In due course, if he really needs a change if scenery he can always stay with and be looked after by your husband whilst he's away for three weeks out of four.

My dad would have been ALL OVER this idea when my Mum died, but not in a billion years. You WILL end up looking after him, and your husband has all the privacy, peace and quiet he wants for 3 weeks out of 4 while you never get your sitting room to yourself again! Equally, my Dad would definitely have made it financially worth while, but as you say - you're looking at 25 years plus! That's a whole heap of NOPE.

Incidentally, my father, lovely as he is, has NOT built a new independent life, and is almost 100% dependent on me for company and conversation 10 years on (he's not entirely NT). THANK GOD I never implemented any kind of shared living arrangement - I would be driven demented.

Don't let your husband impinge upon your boundaries - he is not suggesting that his father live with HIM, he's suggesting he live with YOU. It's your right to say no.

I have very strong feelings about this, in case that wasn't screamingly obvious.

His dad is only 68!! He's perfectly able to look after himself, barring any disabilities.

In your shoes, I'd say no, no, no and ask dh what the hell he thinks he's doing! If he's away 3/4 weeks then the huge %age of the burden of looking after FIL will fal on you. And you're already busy!

Suggest you do nothing for a few months, let the dust settle, see how FIL is coping.

Gault500 As a single person who is of similar age to your FiL there is no way on earth I'd want to live with my DD, SiL and 2 grandsons.

I suspect FiL is asking this because of the panic and prospect of losing his wife and his support after so many years. He has no idea how unsettling it is to be living in a 3 generational set up unless you are already very close as a family.

Rather than move yourselves or have the cost and upheaval of building an annexe, your DH should suggest that the money FiL wants to gift you (beware this has tax implications if he doesn't survive 7 years afterwards) is spent on a flat near you so that he can retain his independence too. As for cooking etc - he can either learn himself or buy ready-made meals as so many single people do.

Best of luck, and stand your ground. You have enough to cope with and although a chunk of money to help with childcare costs looks tempting, it isn't the solution.

Good God it's a no from me too. I would say the same for my own father too.
He may be fit and healthy for years to come but many people slow down considerably in their 70s.
If he hasn't got friends now he's not going to make new friends so it's going to be all on you.

No way! He’s not even old at 68. He needs some cooking lessons and some support, not to come and live with you. Now was this your DH’s idea or your FIL’s? From the sound of your FIL it would also be his idea of hell, living in such a busy household. Maybe your DH is reacting to what’s happening with his Mum, and not really thinking it through?

EyeOfTheTiger very sensible advice.

I recently had to live with my MIL for a number of months with an end date and it very nearly broke me. The thought of doing it for 20+ years? I'd rather get divorced and I love my husband very much. If he suggested her moving in with us at some point in the future he would be told no, she either pays for help with her hoards of cash and he goes and helps out or he moves in with her and we get divorced.

Nothing beats the feeling of closing the front door and being able to completely relax in your own home. I'd feel the same about my own parents too.

It's easy for your DH to say when he's not there for 3 weeks out of 4!!!

It's awful what is happening to MIL but I would let the dust settle and go from there.

I personally wouldn't ever allow this to happen because I need my space and it would probably break my marriage.

68? He’ll be living with you after your Dc move out

If he gives you half the proceeds of his house you will be bound to accommodate him long after the money is spent. He could be with you long after your DC have left home. He is unlikely to try to fit into your household routine but will feel entitled to tell you to keep the DC quiet because he wants to listen to the news etc etc. It will be a titeral nightmare
When your DH is away he will be the man of the house an attempt to rule the roost.
Don’t make any concessions you will later regret

Your dh "thinks it's a good idea and would like to have him," does he? And that "overall, it will be beneficial for us?"

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Tell him that if he "would like to have him" it can happen the day he gives up work to live at home and make it work. and even then, no!

Well your FIL can move into the place we’re DH works away at (asumming he’s in one place).

But this would be a no from me. I would tell DH that if he moves FIL in then you are moving out.

So I can see what your FIL gets out of it but what about you.You just get extra cooking,cleaning.Your meal choices for a start will be limited to what he likes,and TV choices and limiting other children playing there and no sleepovers.
And he's only 68!NO.

Get the planning in place in terms of ready meals or online grocery shopping or a cleaner, regular invitations to dinner or a day out with the family, always something in the calender to look forward to.

I think you mean 'Discuss with your DH how, if HE wants to support HIS father, HE needs to get the planning in place in terms of ready meals or online grocery shopping' etc etc.

It’s not his decision

Simple as.

He is an adult, he doesn’t need you to take care of him, he’s using you as a substitute Home-maker, care-taker, laundry mistress, cleaner.

If you want to take care of him, that HAS to be your decision. There is nothing wrong with extended family taking care of the elders , in fact, it’s marvellous that families still do this, but as you will be the one doing all the hard work, this must be your choice. Choice! It’s yours, not his! How has he been as a fil? Do you want him being such a huge part of your life?

BTW the old idea that previous generations used to have GPS livingwith them is not accurate. Research using Parish Records has shown that the norm in Britain in the past was for young couples to delay marriage until they were in a position to establish their own household. So don’t let people tell you this is something you’d have been happy to do in the past — it was the exception rather than the rule.

Given that he's incapable of looking after himself (the fact he let a terminally ill woman run round after him speaks volumes) it means that he sees you as an ideal replacement for his wife.

He won't lift a finger to help you and will be ME ME ME for the next 20 or 30 years. Find him a companion/Housekeeper (The Lady magazine is great for this) and offer him one weekend a month to stay at yours when your DH is home.

Protect your sanity at all costs.

Kirstyjc got in before me.
Yes as well as saying No to this ludicrous request ..the money aspect is a big no.

A chap I knew took his dad in. It worked really well. The man gave up his main job and worked part time as a pa to a disabled man...mainly taking him fishing which they loved

Fil paid his way, helped son through university, a car etc..then he got dementia and had to go into care

Obviously the money had gone by the Is point and SS clawed back £30k

The chap who was late 50s himself had to go back to his other job to pat the care home fees.
I’m a year younger than your FIL . I can’t think why he would even consider this.