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Original poster

FIL moving in

370 replies

Gault500 · 15/02/2019 10:41

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 15/02/2019 11:02

I couldn’t do it. Happy for parents to live close, but couldn’t live with them. It would ruin our relationship and like you I need my space

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 15/02/2019 11:03

Not unless you are very rich, FIL sells his house, you sell yours, DH is an only child and you can afford a granny annex!

WhiteCat1704 · 15/02/2019 11:04

God OP...Don't agree to it...If you do it might very well be beginning of an end of your marriage.

Confusedbeetle · 15/02/2019 11:05

This is the wrong time in life to make such a big decision. Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time. People should not make any major life changes or decisions within two years of a bereavement. Neither of them can think straight at this stressful time. My guess is your FIL is panicking a bit wondering how he will cope. but moving area into your family is not really thought through. He may think that he would be happy with a growing family crashing around but it would soon become difficult. I think if you all take stock and think about it from his point of view you will see that would be as bad for him as for you. Take a bit of time to work out how you can best support him in his own home. He is 68, not elderly. I am 68 and could not lose my independence and live with my daughter in law, although both are lovely, I would not do that to them. Unfortunately, your husband has run with the idea but it should be shelved for now. Perhaps suggest he has a week or two with you only. Perhaps influenced by the money. In fact the money would make things worse as he would feel entitled and you would feel trapped. Dont take his money. Find a little place near you if he is set on moving but discourage it

Blondebakingmumma · 15/02/2019 11:05

If your husband does talk you into it, I think you need to discuss future care. If you are not prepared to help dress, shower, care for FIL when the time comes, make it CLEAR now. If he is traditional, like you say, he may expect you to do it and refuse outside help.

Confusedbeetle · 15/02/2019 11:06

Please dont give it a trial run, it will end in tears all round

Stormwhale · 15/02/2019 11:07

I think you would very conveniently slip into the full time carer role as fil gets older. there wouldn't be any discussion, it would just happen as you are the default as you live with him.

Besides that point, it would be a no from me. I need my home to be my sanctuary, I need to be able to shut the door and be just with my immediate family. I would not be able to relax in this scenario and it would have a huge impact on my mental health.

Also, I feel this is a gut reaction from your dh through grief, rather than a rational decision. I would not be ok about going along with this.

averythinline · 15/02/2019 11:07

Not in a million years! especially as you have very little spare space a flat nearby is a much better idea - but still a lot to add on you - i wouldnt want to have to entertain someone 4 nights a week.....unless FIL is going to be a help it is still a massive load on your plate.....

whose going to tell him to go home every evening? or get him home what if you just want to chuck micro dinner/eat toast and veg in front of the tv in your pjs once the kids are in bed..... who chooses what goes on the tv etc etc etc

did you sign up to be FIL carer? if he needs help with basic stuff maybe he should move into sheltered accommodation...

or is DH going to change his work to share this

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 15/02/2019 11:08

No. Just no. Firstly, hugely unjust to not consult you, and times that 100 seeing as you DH works away. Is his father going to even pay you for this luxury? Your father isn't elderly really, he is of an age where he could learn to care for himself.

If he moves in he will never leave, the biggest impact being of you. His new free carer and maid. Put your foot down. This is in no way a good idea

MaybeitsMaybelline · 15/02/2019 11:09

I am not even going to read the rest of the posts before I say one word.

NO.

Couchpotato3 · 15/02/2019 11:09

Your FIL can't simply give you half the value of his house without you incurring capital gains tax, surely? You need proper professional financial advice before you even think about doing anything.

You sound like a lovely person from the fact that you are even considering this as a possibility. My FIL is in his late 80s and I would not be able to cope with him moving in with us, even though we have a large house, kids grown up etc. It's a huge imposition and it will change the dynamic of your marriage. If your FIL is fit and well and has resources of his own, there is no reason for him to need to move in with you. He is just looking for an easy solution and neither he nor your DH is thinking about the impact on you.

Also, worth considering the fact that he (and your DH) are going through a major life event/bereavement and that is not a good time to be making significant decisions that will affect your life on a permanent basis. It isn't as though your FIL is elderly, frail and at immediate risk if left alone.

Perhaps the kind thing to do would be to invite him to stay for a few weeks, but make it clear that it is a visit, not a trial moving-in, while he gets over the initial shock of his wife's passing. You will all be able to see how things are likely to work out then, and may be able to make a stronger case with your DH for how this is impacting you.

ChasedByBees · 15/02/2019 11:10

Absolutely no way. Your DH will not be as impacted as he only lives there 1 week in 4.

I also think if you go for a trial period, even if he’s unhappy he probably would opt to stay as to move would be upheaval that he might not feel in the right state of mind for, and he would be anxious about the alternative.

OrdinaryGirl · 15/02/2019 11:10

Heavens above!
It sounds as though your DH may have absorbed his dad's 'traditional' beliefs and sees it as quite right and appropriate that when his mother dies, it falls to another woman, in this case his own wife, to seamlessly take over the cooking, cleaning and social needs of his dad. 😳

I read yesterday that the only people who have problems with you setting boundaries are the people who stand to benefit from you not having any. There is an important discussion between you and your DH to be had here, and fast.

Worth talking through ALL of the options for where your FIL might be able to live, and your respective feelings about each of them, as well as the pros, cons and risks associated with them, and of course what FIL would like to do.

Good luck OP. 🍀

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 15/02/2019 11:11

Nope.
DH used to say his mum would come and live with us once her husband was no longer around (there are good reasons for her not living alone). Then she had to stay for several months post op. By the end, he agreed it wouldn’t work for him, let alone me. My mental health was in tatters, I was exhausted, grumpy and on the point of walking out.

We will try to sort it so she can live nearby, but not even in an annex. She would not respect the boundary. And would be permanently curtain twitching at what we were doing and completely unable to give us any privacy.

Oysterbabe · 15/02/2019 11:11

Will he do childcare? Could be handy once the kids start school and you need someone to pick them up.

WTAFIGO · 15/02/2019 11:12

Don’t suggest a trial period, if you are worried about saying no now it will be even harder to say once he has moved in.

LaFreaka · 15/02/2019 11:13

No way in hell would I do this. I wouldn't even do the annex nonsense. Dh's sister lives beside their mother and is lwas fine until she hit about 75 and then it gradually became relentless and she refuses to move to a home or sheltered accomodation because she has all she needs at her finger tips - she has dug her heels in and sil is in a desperate state...and it's only going to get worse.

princesskatethefirst · 15/02/2019 11:13

Well I've just had DM with me for a while, she's gone now but god it couldn't come soon enough, she's fine but I struggled with it daily, I felt guilty for little things like a lie in, telling off DD, not cooking a "proper" meal, I couldn't nip to the kitchen in my pants etc all the little things bugged the shit out of me and I hated not being able to entertain friends as it excluded her, she also took our spare room so ruled out DH family staying too. She had no real friends either so it was all consuming!!!
If I was asked again it would be a big fat NO. I'd try to use the cash to maybe convert a garage or buy a outbuilding type thing so he was self sufficient but you are close by if need be! Good luck!

SaucyJack · 15/02/2019 11:14

No. Just no.

He’s only 68! Buy him a cookbook and pair of Marigolds.

I’m sorry he’s facing the loss of his wife, but otherwise he really just needs to grow the fuck up and take care of himself.

Absolutely not appropriate to dump himself on you so that you can bear the burden of cooking and cleaning for him.

DorothyZbornak · 15/02/2019 11:14

Not a snowballs chance in hell. I can see the same thing happening to me with MIL (demanding manipulative woman) and I've told DH, quite seriously, that if she moves in then I'll be moving out.

DON'T allow it to happen OP.

Yougotdis · 15/02/2019 11:14

i think a move with an annex could work, or building one in your garden if there is room. You need to have an honest conversation with your fil about how little daily support you’ll be able to give. Ie cooking and cleaning will still be predominantly his responsibility for himself. With the extra income you could look at getting a cleaner though?

babysharkah · 15/02/2019 11:14

Absolutely no way unless you can build a granny annex. If you do it and it goes tits up he will be stuck with you and won't have anywhere else to go.

Also need to consider tax implication of gifting money. How old is he / is he in good health?

AstralTraveller · 15/02/2019 11:14

OP your life will be trashed. Utterly trashed. Seriously you have to say no right now. Nip this in the bud and don't even discuss it. I feel hellish stressed just thinking about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2019 11:14

There was a very similar thread a few months ago. Husband also worked away more than at home. The consensus was no way and that if the dh thought it was such a good idea he could have his dad with him whilst working away. This would actually be a lot fairer rather than increasing your load.

Your dh isn’t going to like that idea even though if he’s in hotels he wouldn’t have to cook and clean, which is whet you will have to do. But perhaps it would make him understand how you feel especially as it’s not even your father.

I also agree it’s not the right time to discuss this. Stay with you for a few weeks, fine. Anything else and he is just after a live in maid.

Doesn’t he have friends and a network where he lives currently?

paintinmyhairAgain · 15/02/2019 11:15

it would be the end of my marriage if my dh ever suggested that and was determined that a pil moved in.

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