FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

To add to the ammunition- this would be utter madness, he is only 68 and once he comes to his senses he will realise there is a life ahead of him. He may want to date in time and that could be potentially awkward. He needs his independence. To temporarily stay perhaps for a month or so would be fine while he is grieving and to give him time before he starts looking for somewhere of his own. He is probably scared and wants company. It's almost like adult children coming home when they have a life upheaval but it only usually works temporarily while someone needs extra support.

Oh and my SIL has just turned 70, going on 50, and she'd punch your lights out if anyone hinted she might need any help.

I've had a total knee replacement. It's very painful and debilitating for a while, but he will be expected to move around on it to work the muscles. It would be MUCH better for your DH to go and nurse him in familiar surroundings with the help of the housekeeper, than come to yours where he will probably vegetate.

Also he won't get it done quickly unless he's already on somebody's list, knee replacement has dropped right down the list of priority operations for the NHS.

The man is only 68!

Good lord, that is shocking! I’d be ashamed to be still so relatively young - 68 is not old nowadays - and not be able to look after myself.

You have to say No. tell your DH it’s a deal breaker. Because if you are bulldozed (bullied?) into it, I couldn’t see how your marriage would survive long term. Ask your DH if he’s prepared to risk the long term survival of his marriage?

You do realize that this is family, don't you? Would you feel the same way if it was your father this was happening to?

I suspect OP would feel just the same if it was her 68 year old father who was involved, Pasha. It's hardly the norm for widowed parents to move in with their children, after all. As someone not too far off that age, I would be absolutely horrified if my children suggested I give up my home and independence if anything happened to DH.

The good thing about him moving near you now is that he's still young enough to grow his own social life locally while he is fit and well: he's only just reached retirement age, just the right time to get stuck into local volunteering or activities like U3A. With due respect to MIL he's also young enough to find himself a new partner.

Can you do some property scouting for him for somewhere local he could move to? He's really too young for retirement properties but I do know someone who bought into one at 55 (most start at 60) and lived there in the winter but in the summer decamped to a caravan somewhere on the south coast.

If he lived with us I think he would stay within his comfort zone and become dependent on us

But he would be dependent on you not your DH as he isn’t there. Your DH’s job situation is what it is, as you’ve said, but the impact of your FIL living there falls on you and the DC. Once he’s there you are never going to be able to move him out again.

Moving him in will just enable his dependence, it won’t encourage him to look after himself, cook, clean and have his own life.

He doesn’t have to move in to ensure he’s ‘taken care of’, that doesn’t have to be the solution.

@Pashal2 yes I would 100% feel the same if it was my own father. It's nothing against him personally, it's just the change in the dynamics of the house and the extra pressure on me that I don't think I could deal with. I do see him as family and I wish I could feel differently, but I can't get my head around it and I know I would end up resenting him and it would completely ruin our relationship, and potentially my relationship with my DH too.

Good work op, would be great if you report back your dh gets it that he is asking you to care for his father and that’s not fair.

As a side note OP you can drive an automatic 2bweeks after the knee surgery. Would he consider switching to an automatic?

"He's giving you enough for you to give up work and look after him DH? Wow thsts alot of money "

But I'd actually say "no fucking way"

I feel like an awful human being now as it never occurred to me to take any time of work when my dm had a knee replacement. She had friends to help with shopping (or did it online) and otherwise just had to be at home or use a taxi.

My dh said to me when I said no to fil moving in ‘well your parents won’t be able to move in either!’ As if I’d say oh no I really want them to.

I would never suggest they move in BUT if I did it would still be different, because it would be ME looking after them, which would have to be my choice. It’s not okay for someone who works long hours to volunteer your services without any agreement from you.

The only comparison would be if you informed your partner your parent was moving in, a parent who did nothing for themselves and you were expecting your partner to look after them at least 75% of the time. That’s beyond presumptuous.

Isn't it the case that independent older people have as better quality of life? I'm sure I've seen research that suggests this. If do, then FIL moving in and becoming dependent on OP will NOT be in his best interests. Somewhere nearby, maybe, but not in the same house.

My mum was a fit, healthy person at 68, but when she started to become ill, she lost her independence very quickly, and died last year in her early 70s.

Hi looking for advice. My son found out yesterday that his ex partner who he has 3 children with has moved 120 miles away without telling him. He has been to court before because she will for no reason just stop him seeing them so there's a visitation order in place . He's a good dad & is absolutely heart broken.

In short term I'd look for sheltered housing very near you for fil. It's more social, other people around. You can have him sent meals - my mum like Wiltshire foods I think they are. Near enough to pop in every couple of days.

is there sheltered housing close to you, where he buys his own flat and there are some communal activities and a manager on site full time or part time?
I found this sort of arrangement for my father when his health was deteriorating but he was still well enough to be independent; visiting him where he lived was a three hour journey, and he moved a lot closer - ten minutes for my sister, about an hour for me.
I looked at about 60 developments, and took him to see a shortlist of 5/6. My father was concerned about service charges, but they were quite reasonable, and less than gardening/maintenance/insurance on his own property.
He can still have a cleaner or whatever help he needs/wants, and if close enough visit you for supper/occasional meals when DH is around and able to help with additional work & entertaining

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

(But I’d quite like to know what happened)

@June1660, you need to start a new thread.