Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

So the conversation could only move on by me saying to the OPs sister do you plan on being able to have a relationship with me and my children or do we need to agree this is over on good terms?

Well yes, they need to have a conversation about what is going on and how (if possible), they are going to move forward. That would be the whole point of meeting for coffee I would have thought.

OPs sister may well eventually be able to deal with this situation, she may just need time. The circumstances right now don't necessarily mean she will never want to see the child or hear about them ever. They need to discuss what is going on and how to move forward and meeting to a coffee could be the way to open up that conversation.

and don’t begrudge or resent others who have what they would give anything to have, whatever that thing may be

But people distance themselves from situations that would hurt them.

One of my bridesmaids pulled out of my wedding because her marriage finished three weeks before my day. Do I blame her? God no - she had to protect herself.

A teacher at DD’s school took time off when they were doing Mother’s Day cards because they’d had a stillborn baby earlier that school year. Do I think they were wrong? No - I’m bloody glad school had the compassion to allow them to do so.

There is nothing in the Op’s Post to say her sister begrudges or resents. She is simply distancing herself at a difficult time. So you can either see that as a deliberate slight or acknowledge that you and they are in two positions that aren’t compatible with being together

Clearly your emotional range is limited

I would assert the same to you if you’re pontificating how someone should behave when it’s very possible they don’t have the mental space to consider what a “normal” or “reasonable” reaction would be...

Do you not understand that when someone isn’t capable of thinking straight, they cannot process reactions in the same way as someone who is viewing a situation from a distance might?

as you can't differentiate between healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with difficult emotions

Well no Brass, people suffering with poor mental health can't always differentiate between healthy and unhealthy decisions. That's kind of the point we are all making...

You can still have empathy for something you don't understand. In fact, if you haven't actually been through what's being spoken about you should always try to be as understanding as possible when the people who have are trying to explain it to you.

If the absence as in the case of the bridesmaid and the teacher went on for months and months then it would become a problem, no?

You can just absent yourself from someone's life for months (during which time their lives will have changed irrevocably) and not get that it is going to cause you further damage.

'In fact, if you haven't actually been through what's being spoken about you should always try to be as understanding as possible when the people who have are trying to explain it to you.'

Very good advice Bloody. I wonder how it's going to land......

On deaf ears I imagine Lotta.

If the absence as in the case of the bridesmaid and the teacher went on for months and months then it would become a problem, no?

Well I didn’t see my bridesmaid (who was my best friend) for a year.

You can just absent yourself from someone's life for months (during which time their lives will have changed irrevocably) and not get that it is going to cause you further damage

I couldn’t be the type of person who would let it cause damage, that’s the point. Especially when they’re going through something so hurtful.

Lots of assumptions Lotta and a good dose of self righteousness to boot. Try to grasp what other people are trying to explain to you. Works both ways.

Dear god brass, I give up

As long as you apply whatever you're saying to yourselves you might eventually get there.

I think she's being really badly behaved.

Yes it's shit having fertility issues but you can't act like like that to everyone who has a child - especially a sister who has been loving and supportive. What were you meant to do? Put off having your family until she has the first one? Is she not going to speak to you again until she is pregnant?

Lots of assumptions Lotta and a good dose of self righteousness to boot

I assume you are referring to my post not Lottas.

I'm not assuming anything, I'm merely making a comment for anyone on the thread to read.

I've provided examples of my own experiences to try and explain why OPs sister may be acting the way she is.

What is self righteous by the way? Asking that people to try to be understanding of a situation they haven't experienced? Isn't that just what a reasonable person would do naturally? (It's a general comment too, not directed at you solely).

Get where? Where you are? No thanks

Also, no one has said OP is unreasonable. I think she's totally right to be upset. I'm just trying to explain that her sister probably isn't in the right frame of mind right now because I know how it can affect you and to maybe not just write her off as a dick like some others seem so quick to do.

Bloody no it wasn't to you

right frame of mind right now

Problem is the sister doesn't get to dictate the timeframe. Neither does the OP really, she's already waited a few months but with no thawing in the meantime it doesn't look hopeful for the relationship. OP can't help the way she feels anymore than the sister can. That's why it's important not to behave like a dick in the first place, to try and avoid exactly this awful scenario.

A few people on here have asked how long is the OP expected to 'pretend' her DS doesn't exist with her DSis. My answer to that is however long it takes to have a coffee and talk this through.

OP's family are saying, rightly or wrongly, that the ball is in OP's court. Yes, her sister could have sent a card, yes she could have sent a gift. Yes, she could have got a friend to do that for her if she couldn't face baby cards and baby clothes. But she didn't. So the choice is either throw in the towel and never be in the same room as her again OP or try to heal the hurt (even though it isn't your fault. It's not hers either - it's just bad luck). Someone has to pull their big sisterly boots up and make the first move.

Before we found out about our unexplained infertility I and two other women in my department were trying to conceive. One got pregnant two years before me, the other a year before me. I kept a brave face on it. They were (still are) my friends. I was pleased for them and I joined in all the maternity leave celebrations, sent a card and gift when they had their babies. But the tears at home were fierce. Everything for us revolved around getting pregnant.

I recently came across photos of me and DH taken at a wedding around the time we were going for tests. We looked so tense. I remember being at that wedding having a great time on the surface but feeling so tired, so unhappy and so 'out of it' like a glass barrier was around me. I put it around me to protect myself but it stayed up for so long that I sometimes found it hard to be a 'normal' me anymore. I can't think of any other way of describing it so my apologies if that description is a bit odd.

Now I'm someone who wasn't bothered about having children. I met my DH late and would have been perfectly happy if we'd made the decision not to bother trying for children. But we did decide to try for a family and as soon as we did I became obsessed. Ovulation charts, different TTC methods, every bloody google page I could read.
I would compare myself to my pregnant colleagues a lot. They were similar in age and they could do get pregnant (in fact three times in one case and twice in the other). I couldn't. Then we went through two lots of IVF. First one of those I came out with no egg retrieval at all. Every time my period came round I felt a little more diminished. I wasn't, of course I wasn't. I'm the same person now as I've always been but my mind just kept saying 'you can't manage this. This is down to you. You're the one who can't get pregnant' and it eats you up. Every day. My DH said he felt exactly the same about himself.
Some people can hide those feelings, some can't. Some can get through it. Some find it very hard to cope. If we were all the same life would be easy. But it's not, it's a minefield sometimes and a field of daisies the next.

The point is that if you sit and talk OP, without baby, and the situation doesn't change you can say, hand on heart, that you have tried. You CAN then say 'how long do I have to pretend DS doesn't exist' - because you have tried.

At the moment there's a wall between the two of you. Someone has to put a door in that wall. She won't so it's down to you and if the door is slammed in your face you'll probably find your family will begin to back you more because they've seen you reaching out. You can't do more than that. But you CAN do that. Just once. Because someone has to.

That's why it's important not to behave like a dick in the first place

She isn't a dick for God sake. She is a person who is struggling.

Her behavior isn't right and it's hurtful to OP but there is a reason behind it, a very sad and traumatic reason which is causing these reactions. Bad mental health is like poison, it can be toxic to relationships because the person suffering doesn't realise what they are doing or how their actions can affect someone else. It doesn't make the actual person a dick or horrible.

OP has already said they were close so she must be a nice person. Something (obviously OPs child) has triggered an irrational reaction in her sister and it doesn't take a genius to understand why that may be.

The only way forward is for them to meet and talk about this and find a way for them to move on.

I hope and to be honest, believe, that OPs sister will eventually come round to coping better with her feelings as I have done but it can take a lot of hard work and time to essentially rewrite the way your mind is telling you to act.

Can't you just ring her and talk? You said you used to be close

I'm not saying necessarily talk about this, but talk in general and catch up and try and rebuild the relationship - and it will come that she will see your son, but try not to pressure her

It's not the same but my brother and his partner lost their son at full term three weeks before my son was born. He was born end of October and they met him on Boxing day (they did send a congratulations message though straight after) - he was probably 9 months before my brother picked him up (and that was in the car seat not actually touching him), I'd say he was 2 or 3 before he played with him etc - I do think it was harder because whatever my son did he'd imagine his son would be doing similar etc and it brought it back because we are close - occasionally I do see them look at a newborn and you can still see the pain. They don't ignore them though, but won't go out of the way to meet them.

It may be your sister is worried if she comes to meet the baby you'll expect her to hold the baby and so on and she's not ready for that yet.

The pain of infertility is massive. It takes over you. I remember feeling like I had been knifed in the stomach whenever people announced their pregnancies.
Endless endless tears and pain.

By talk I meant on the phone, just to break the ice

She may be thinking because she hasn't approached you it's too late

BTW you mentioned she'd had a few attempts of IVF - would one of them potentially have resulted in a baby around the time of the birth of your baby? As that may make it harder for her

Studies show 13% of women who have failed ivf contemplate suicide. 16% of them describe infertility as the most stressful period of their lives. Measured stress level as similar to those with cancer, hiv and other life threatening illnesses.

That is the reality of infertility. This is no doubt foremost in the sisters mind, not purposely putting herself into a situation which will push her further into the abyss.

She is not doing this because she is selfish. She is protecting herself from further hurt.

It’s not your fault op. But you need to give your sister space

I think your all commenting on a dead thread tbh. Op isn't coming back.

My sister said I ruined her pregnancy with my infertility and pregnancy loss..

she didn't understand that just physically seeing a baby broke me emotionally and that after 5 years of infertility and a recent miscarriage, I was in a very damaged and dark place. She had a new baby, I did not and I can never really forgive her for not respecting where I was and telling me how things were for her. Send texts and keep communication open and with time and patience, things may change.