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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 15/02/2019 17:59

This reply has been deleted

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swingofthings · 15/02/2019 18:02

What some posters here seem to fail to grasp is the fact that OP's sister can do what she wants and doesn't owe to put the needs of her happy sister ahead of her needs when emotional battered. True caring is being there when things are going well for you to help those who are struggling, ot expect unhappy people to be there to share youre happiness.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 18:05

'It's not the same but my brother and his partner lost their son at full term three weeks before my son was born'

Dear Lord iolaus, that is truly hideous. My heart goes out to them. Must have been horrendous for you as well

Lizzie48 · 15/02/2019 18:30

@toomuchtoolittle

I agree that it doesn't look as though the OP is coming back, but this is an interesting discussion, and hopefully it will help some people to understand how hard infertility can be.

It really isn't anything you can understand if you haven't been through it.

Original poster
Raella50 · 15/02/2019 18:59

Thank you everyone who’s taken the time to reply to my post, I wasn’t expecting such a big response and it’s very helpful to read different perspectives. To clarify, I did reach out to my sister quite a few times whilst pregnant but after she ignored me for while and then acted cold at our Grandma’s, I could tell she needed some space. I was poorly at the end of my pregnancy, had a very traumatic birth where I nearly lost my baby and to be honest I’ve struggled mentally too. Personally I see her removing herself from our relationship at this time in my life is extremely hurtful - empathy is a two way thing. I don’t agree that having a baby has brought me attention, if anything i am the loneliest and most isolated I’ve ever been and it really isn’t a competition between who is the most worthy of sympathy right now... I’m willing to be there for her but she’s unwilling to be there for me as far as I can tell. Anyway, I don’t expect to offload on my sister as such, but we have always been so close and I love her dearly and I just am incredibly hurt that she hasn’t reached out to me to say she’s thinking of me when she knows I’ve been ill (mum has kept her and everyone else up to date and often says things like “your sister loves you very much and has been worried about you. I’m sure she’ll meet up if you ask her out for coffee. Why don’t you meet her for coffee and reassure her you won’t bring (my son)?!”).To be fair to my sister, I’m not even sure the coffee without him is her idea and probably is my mum’s idea. What’s stopping me is this massive feeling of anger that she wouldn’t contact me after I’d given birth. If she couldn’t face a baby card, a plain card or little letter or note saying she loves me and hopes me and baby are ok would’ve been nice. After reading all the comments I’ve decided to send her a text tonight just to say I miss her and hope we can sort this out. After that I’m going to just leave it until she contacts me and hope sincerely that she does. Thank you again all.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 15/02/2019 19:05

I just am incredibly hurt that she hasn’t reached out to me to say she’s thinking of me when she knows I’ve been ill...

To your sister, you have the most precious thing in the world, something she believes she will never have, along with the entire life that goes with motherhood and fatherhood.... and you're hurt.... wow. It's not about you OP.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 19:07

OPs baby almost died. Jesus Christ!

It is about OP actually. This is her thread. Her feelings and her story.

Maldives2006 · 15/02/2019 19:07

Have you ever had fertility problems, miscarriages or baby loss?

She isn’t being wicked, the ops sister is struggling and it isn’t too much to ask to meet up without the baby to start. Meeting without the baby to begin, will give the time to have a few heart to hearts.

Your sister will come round but unless you’ve been there you can not possibly understand. She’s currently feeling like a complete failure as a woman and the prospect of her planned future changing beyond all recognition please give her time.

Maldives2006 · 15/02/2019 19:12

I lost my 1st baby at 21 weeks, nearly lost my 2nd after a premature birth, has a missed miscarriage with my 3rd requiring surgery and had to have surgery with my 4th in order to carry her to term. (I nearly required CPR following the surgery)

I can still have enough empathy to appreciate the op’s sisters plight, the fact that she may require time and is struggling.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 19:14

Op you must prioritise yourself right now.
A traumatic birth can have mental repression's for years. Right now I'd just send the text but then not think of your sister. Tell your mum to stop telling her your news and to stop talking to you about her.

You need to focus on you, your health and your recovery.

TwitterQueen1 · 15/02/2019 19:16

Contraception by 'this' I mean the sisters' inability to meet with and interact with the OP.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 19:17

After reading all the comments I’ve decided to send her a text tonight just to say I miss her and hope we can sort this out. After that I’m going to just leave it until she contacts me and hope sincerely that she does.

I really hope she does too. I think you've done exactly the right thing by reaching out and I hope she sees that.

It sounds like you've had a really tough time of it, and I also hope that you can find other people around your for support - no matter how things go with your sister she's realistically not going to be the best person for that at this point: as you say, you can't offload on her. But you do need to offload on someone (maybe even a professional, depending on how lonely and isolated you feel?) so make sure you're taking care of yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 19:17

I agree op, it is a two way street, why should you be the one giving all the empathy and trying, when she is being so horrid to you. Her not contacting you when you nearly lost the baby, not even a little note, is awful. Yes she is hurting, but that is no reason to act like an arsehole, your family taking sides with your sister is disgraceful. There is only so much you can do. I would just leave her, and focus on you and your little family now. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it is not your fault, that you were able to have a baby, and she unfortunately does not. Does not give her the right to act in this hurtful way towards you.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 19:19

Yes do tell mum your feelings, you are just as important to her, as your sister, and tell her to stop telling your sister about the baby as she is obviously finding it hard.

DanglyBangly · 15/02/2019 19:19

I was on the receiving end of this, same as the OP. It worked out in the end as she had her baby and we all moved on. I’ve never forgotten the way I was treated though and our relationship is permanently damaged.

Even if you patch it up, and hopefully her time to be a mother comes, will you be able to forgive and forget?

Maldives2006 · 15/02/2019 19:20

I think your mom is trying very sensitively to tell you that it is not all about you. Your sister will potentially never have what you have which is children.

She is thinking about the rest of her life, no watching her babies grow, no weddings, no grandchildren and a lonely old age. Whether you think this is irrational or not this is her current frame of mind.

If you need help with your mental health please source it if you need it then ask for it and enjoy your baby.

Deadbudgie · 15/02/2019 19:21

OP, as someone who has had it all, getting pregnant accidentally whilst DB couldn't have a child, a traumatic birth where we both nearly died (crash c section started when I was still awake, me in HDU baby in NICU v ill) resulting in PTsd and secondary infertility I can share my experience that your sister is really the last person you need to be there for you at the moment. You don't need to be thinking about what you are saying so as to not upset her. She doesn't need the pain of sitting there thinking at least you have a baby.

For me the pain of infertility dwarfs that of my traumatic birth, but realise that would be different for everyone.

You might think you need her but she really cant be what you need at the moment just like you cant be what she needs. It sounds like you are both struggling mentally. The people to talk to would be professionals specialising in the relevant areas. You cannot expect someone struggling with such a devastating position to give anything to you when she will have barely enough for herself mentally.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 19:26

You matter too op, you need your families support in your life. That is good that you text her, but if she doesen't respond, and treats you badly at family functions, that is awful, and I would move on without her.

resipsa · 15/02/2019 19:34

Yes, I hope too that the OP and her sister grow back together in time and that this thread shows just how damaging infertility can be. I came out the other side with a baby but still periodically reflect on how awful that time of my life was and the huge relief I still feel at the lifting of the infertility 'burden'. Interestingly, my DH was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of this period of infertility and the infertility caused me more pain than his illness, selfish as that sounds. Luckily he was treated successfully but I look back to 2014 sometimes and wonder how we got through it. OP, I hope you and your sister will but it might be hard for a while. Good luck. And congratulations!

LuvSmallDogs · 15/02/2019 19:39

You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s kind of you to reach out to your sister. If she doesn’t respond, I’d just leave her to it.

It’s all very well distancing yourself from people, but you can’t expect to put them down then pick them back up as you please after ignoring their own hard times.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 19:41

To be fair to my sister, I’m not even sure the coffee without him is her idea and probably is my mum’s idea.

I’m sure that’s correct. Your sister is most likely asking your mum about how you’re doing all the time. I’m guessing she’s written and deleted hundreds of texts that she doesn’t feel able to send and now time’s gone on, it’s got really awkward and a big deal to get in contact.

I hope she responds to your text. A low key coffee would be a good way to reconnect.

TwitterQueen1 · 15/02/2019 19:41

Of course you and your feelings matter OP
Of course your baby is incredibly important to you
Of course your traumatic birth and illness are distressing
Of course you want to share your beautiful baby and talk about him

But your AIBU was: AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all?

And my answer is still 'yes, you are'. If you love your sister as much as you say you do you will stop thinking about what she should be doing for you and start thinking instead about what a desperately sad place she is in right now.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 19:41

'What’s stopping me is this massive feeling of anger that she wouldn’t contact me after I’d given birth. '

That's understandable OP and I say that as someone who feels your sister's pain and has stuck up for her through this thread. I do understand how hurt and let down you feel. It's generous of you to send her a text and I hope she responds, even if she can't see your son at the moment

Nomorepies · 15/02/2019 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 19:45

I doubt wallowing in a big black hole of misery will help her. People might have lost sympathy with her in ten years if she’s still like this.

Do you think she wants to be like this? Do you think she’s wilfully ignoring her sister for fun? Hmm