Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Just trying to get people to see the whole picture.

Exactly this bloody

Even when I was looking through the baby wear it was hurting me so much.

I just realised that I haven't shopped for baby gifts for most recent friend's baby - instead brough cakes and doughnut. The thought of looking at babygros and vests and cute baby clothes...

Infertility can cause major mental health problems

Also, from the OP it seems that OP never actually directly told the sister the baby had been born. It is possible that the sister feels slighted by this. Now, if I were talking to her I'd say that, if so, she should try and be the bigger person, remember that her sister has a tiny baby, etc., etc., that her sister might have been trying to do the right thing by not rubbing her nose in it, etc. and send a card and reach out to her sister even though she hadn't been directly told, so I don't think it's an excuse for not doing so in and of itself, but it does suggest there might be other ways of seeing this whole thing.

Imagine doing this exact thing when your experiencing infertility silly

All the sister needed to do, was send a card, or a text or a message through a family member, that said ‘I love you, I hope you’re ok, but I can’t be around you and the baby at the moment due to my own feelings about infertility’.

But no, she has literally cut her sister off completely at a very vulnerable and difficult time of her life. As someone above said; you can’t control your feelings but you can control your actions. OP’s sister has acted disgracefully.

Easy to say she could have sent a card but going into a card shop and looking at new baby cards would at times have been beyond me when I was going through IVF.

@Stcatherine

Infertility is the bloody hardest thing out there to deal with.

I've read it all now. If you really believe that, you have lead a blessed life, and God help you when an actual serious tragedy befalls you.

I am gobsmacked at the 3 or 4 posters on here who are fiercely defending the OP's sister. No wonder the OP has not come back.

As has been said, you don't get a free pass to be horrible to people who have had a baby because YOU can't conceive. And as has been said, you can't POSSIBLY expect to avoid babies and people with babies forever FGS. People who think others should walk on eggshells around them is making them look very precious and snowflakey.

There are some fucking awful, bloody-minded obnoxious posters on here. (defending the OP's sister.) And a lot of bitterness oozing out of their posts too. Some awful spiteful remarks have been made about women with children on here. It's not a good look, and is speaking volumes about the posters in question.

The ones fiercely defending the sister's awful behaviour seem awfully invested in this thread. Funny that. Obviously hitting a raw nerve.

I'm out. I'll leave you to your defensive ranting.

As someone above said; you can’t control your feelings but you can control your actions

I don’t know how many times this has been said. You can control your actions when you’re thinking clearly, when you aren’t in a place of utter despair.

It’s so easy to sit behind a screen saying how someone should behave.

I would suggest that you agree to meet your DSis without your baby, though, OP. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to rebuild your relationship.

All her sister will feel is that my sister must be so happy she is so lucky etc etc not oh I am hurting her.

I am gobsmacked at the 3 or 4 posters on here who are fiercely defending the OP's sister. No wonder the OP has not come back

I’m gobsmacked you have such a problem with comprehension.

Okay I probably worded it wrong there red and yellow but I'm not ranting I'm giving all possible reasons for why the sis is probably behaving this way.

My baby was terminally ill. I didn't ignore anyone else with healthy babies, especially not my sister, FFS.

'Obviously hitting a raw nerve.'

And your glee about that speaks volumes about you, redandyellow

And everyone would think op is being weird leaving her baby behind never mentioning him how many years is she supposed to keep this up,? Primary secondary school what about college will she have to deny her own childs existence his entire life?

Stcatherine

Ignore that poster, they are deliberately finding glee in other people’s misfortune and, let’s face it, using ridiculous cliches.

I'm sure op will come back because obviously she cares about her sister and she can bear some of these examples in mind.

And everyone would think op is being weird leaving her baby behind never mentioning him how many years is she supposed to keep this up,?

I think she should meet her sister without her baby first. To talk things through with the sister. Not one person has suggested anything other

All her sister will feel is that my sister must be so happy she is so lucky etc etc not oh I am hurting her.

This is bollocks, I’m sorry. I’ve had a number of friends who have dealt with infertility and none of them have cut friends or family with kids off. None of them have been outwardly rude or unpleasant or cut anyone off.

What the sister is saying through her actions, is that she can’t put the OP above her own feelings for even the 5 minutes it would take to write a brief message. If it were me, i would know very well where I stood after this behaviour and I wouldn’t wish to continue a relationship after.

Obviously hitting a raw nerve

Well yes, because I've been where OPs sister has.

I'm not saying the OP is being unreasonable. She is being reasonable to be upset and hurt. I am defending OPs sister against people telling her grow up and stop acting like a dick as if she isn't experiencing a major traumatic event in her life which could easily affect her mental state.

I will always use my horrid experience to defend someone else in the same position because I know how lonely it is.

I'm not spiteful towards women who have children. My damaged mental health caused me to react wrongly to certain things when I was going through what I did.

You are completely lacking any form of compassion or understanding, that much is clear from your post.

And everyone would think op is being weird leaving her baby behind never mentioning him how many years is she supposed to keep this up,? Primary secondary school what about college will she have to deny her own childs existence his entire life?

I mean, the suggestion is that she meets up with her sister without him for one coffee, which isn't quite the same as his whole life.

I agree that OP should try and meet up without her DS if at all possible - not so much to pretend he doesn't exist (I'm pretty certain they won't get through the coffee without referencing the fact that OP has had a baby) but because it's hard to have a really big, serious talk when you're also caring for a baby, and OP and her sister need to have a proper talk with each one giving the other their undivided attention

Yeah red and yellow has obviously never experienced infertility.

Cheby everybody is different