Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

And your glee about that speaks volumes about you, redandyellow

100%

As someone said up thread, the relationship on the line right now is OPs and her sisters. OPs son is a baby, he doesn't understand or need a relationship with his aunt right now so the most important thing is to get the sister relationship back on track. Nephew and Aunt can come after that.

Meeting for one coffee to talk about that without OPs DS should not be a problem.

i would know very well where I stood after this behaviour and I wouldn’t wish to continue a relationship after

You wouldn’t be able to put your feelings aside for 5 minutes to consider why your sister is doing what she is?

If you have friends with infertility surely you’re able to understand that not everyone handles a situation in the same way?

God help you when an actual serious tragedy befalls you

I've had over 10 miscarriages at varying stages. Don't you dare tell me I haven't experienced serious tragedy.

Infertility whether it results in miscarriage or an inability to conceive all together is tragic. Don't be so callous. It's not attractive.

You are completely lacking any form of compassion or understanding, that much is clear from your post.

It's having the compassion and understanding that helps you move past it actually. Hiding behind an emotionally stunted reaction lacks both compassion and understanding. Some people have given examples on this very thread of being able to move past their own tragedy in order to do the right thing.

At a few months old there would be no point meeting up for coffee.
The only topics I could discuss would be the weather and politics. I had nothing else going on in my life that I would be able to speak of other than my infant child.
Also if it was longer than an hour I'd have to pump.

Doubt the OPs sister would want to see her expressing either.

I have just spent the past 40 minutes reading the previous 8/10 pages in real detail and at around pave12 onwards it just feels that everyone is going around in circles saying they agree with perspective 1 or perspective 2.

I think it must be even harder when prior to the OP getting pregnant, the sister and the OP probably had a very close relationship. As I previously said my brother and his fiancé are pregnant with their second child. I think what makes me feel okay about it to a certain extent is that they do not know about my fertility problems. Like no one knows apart from my husband and my parents. When we do IVF we won't even tell anyone and when I hopefully become pregnant, I won't even tell my brother it was through IVF.

I think if they all knew, they may think oh poor you and feel sorry for you etc. This would make me feel even more upset. The other factor is that I do not have a close relationship with my brother as they hardly are interested in letting me and my husband get to know their DH. We have babysit once compared to countless times by my SILs sister. But I also think its down to distance and we life etc as well. So I don't feel like her pregnancy is being pushed in my face.

When you are dealing with infertility issues there is a number of factors that really cause you to break down. The first for me was coming to terms with the fact that a Dr told me theres a slim chance I will conceive partially. I am thankful that there is IVF but then I am worried what if it doesn't work as I read a lot of stories from women and what rollercoaster IVF is for them. I believe even while getting pregnant, IVF can put a women's body through so much.

For those of you do not really know much about IVF it involves a step of processes they actually stop you from being able to ovulate and then they extract multiple eggs (like up to 24 I think) from you where naturally every month you will produce no more than 2. This whole process can be very draining on a women's mental health, makes you have menopause systems when they stop you ovulating and your emotions are all over the place. Then you have the dreaded 2WW and you desperately hope you will get a BFP. I have also read stories from women who had to have genetic testing prior to starting IVF which takes an additional year of waiting, that NHS waiting lists are 12-18 months, that some women get pregnant and then MC.

If the OPs sister has had many failed rounds of this, it is the same turmoil on her body time and time again. Not to mention the financial burden of it all. I only recently myself found out I have very bad endo and this is the cause of my problems. I am thankful thats it not worse (like cancer) and I am just trying to be positive that it will work out for me in the end.

Those that say the sister should have sent a card or a gift, you are right, she could have ordered a moon pig or something and had it delivered direct. There is an argument that the sister should have put a brave face on but without knowing her side of this or what she is actually passing through, it is really not for us to judge.

I really do feel for the sister and the OP, I feel for their relationship and I hope that they can overcome these challenges soon. I also pray that the sister get pregnant soon. This is a very awkward, challenging and upsetting situation for everyone involved. OP, if you are reading, congratulations on your new baby boy. I hope you are feeling okay apart from the sister drama and lean on your DH at this time and seek his support.

I'm referring to redandyellow Brass. If you can't see a stunning lack of compassion for not just OPs sister but other posters on this thread from their post then I'm shocked.

for you bloody.

There some really hard women out there hey.

Yes well it's easy to be a horrible person when you're behind a computer screen!

I'm so sorry Bloody

Still not getting it brass, still not getting it.....

OP, your sister probably finds it very painful to be around your child right now. It's nothing to do with you, or the kid, and she can't help it -- it's tormenting her, and the best thing she can do is withdraw and heal. Please be patient with her.

I could say the same Lotta 🙄

I wish sometimes that family hadn't known about mine because now I feel like they have forgotten what I go through.
Tomorrow I will probably have these feelings at a meal out with 2 new arrivals on the scene.

I had nothing else going on in my life that I would be able to speak of other than my infant child

Surely the point of the meeting would be to discuss moving forward with their relationship and how to go about that, not to talk about the weather.

No, brass, you couldn't actually. I get why the OP is hurt, despite never having been in her position myself. It's called empathy

I avoided the expectant mom's all through thier pregnancies couldn't help it can't bear to see a pregnant woman.

Stcatherine if you ever want to PM me please do. I've been there, you won't get any judgment from me.

I think the op sis will find it easier once the child is older. The pregnancy and newborn stage is probably the hardest for her to see.

Thank you bloody

I haven't read the full thread but my circumstances are similar.

My db has very little interest or time for my children. He was unsupportive of my difficult pregnancies and births and knew of our infertility struggles too. However he has had a lot to deal with himself.

He became a widower at 38. About a year ago. My dc are toddlers. He's only met them a couple of times and spent very little time with them. There's no bond.

His wife refused fertility treatment before she died. When he was ready to move on he decided to stop dating because he didn't want to be an old dad and he didn't want to take on anyone else's children. He's now got a new partner with no children or family and she apparently doesn't want either. Everyone knows he still has time. He's apparently trying to make peace with the fact that he'll never be a dad and everyone is accepting it.

He's still close to his wife's nephews. He's also godfather to our step brother's daughter. I've seen gushy posts about both and know he was fine with our cousin's children yet I got a text at Xmas telling me he was too busy to send cards. He doesn't remember birthdays and when reminded I just get a text a few days later usually mentioning how busy he is.

It hurts but I don't think I can do anything. If you feel you have reached out enough you probably have. I agree with everyone who says it's a shame but you can't force it.

Most of my family accept it but my mum bullies me over it saying I should still keep trying. I accept my life without my brother in it and feel sad that he doesn't care about my children but I understand his situation. It would be easier for me to deal with if I thought he was the same with everyone's dc though. It bothers me and I think about it a lot but I doubt he does. Try not to dwell on it.

@ItsBloodyFreezingg but there would be no way for me to move on without a knoll my children. It's not that I think they're the most special things on the planet and everyone must fawn at them.

It's that they are a huge all consuming part of my life. What did I do today? Entirely revolves around the kids. So we could never talk about that.
What am I doing next week same.

So the conversation could only move on by me saying to the OPs sister do you plan on being able to have a relationship with me and my children or do we need to agree this is over on good terms?

Infertility is the bloody hardest thing out there to deal with.

No it isn’t. People with infertility problems do not have the monopoly on pain and grief. Yes it is awful and heartbreaking for them to deal with, but people live through different kinds of heartbreak every day and don’t begrudge or resent others who have what they would give anything to have, whatever that thing may be.

I don't agree with the way the negative feelings are being dealt with it doesn't mean I lack empathy. Clearly your emotional range is limited as you can't differentiate between healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with difficult emotions.